Legalistic Logistics

I ran into a gal I went to bible college with yesterday.  She seemed really uncomfortable in my presence.  I introduced her to my beloved, and shared a bit about how we just moved into the area.  He left us to catch up a bit while he grabbed some dog food.  She asked if we were living together, I said yes.  She asked if we were married.  I said no.  She asked if we had separate bedrooms.  I said no.  Then I told her that my beloved embodies everything that most "Christian" men aspire to be.  Just then my beloved returned, and we politely excused ourselves.

I find that this is a topic that brings discomfort as well as MUCH judgement, fear and avoidance from a large segment of the Christian population.  Because of this, I have written some blogs about some different viewpoints regarding divorce, remarriage and such from an open minded, yet biblical perspective.

Here is a book report that I wrote in Bible College for Marriage and Family Class.

My blog addressing the question of remarriage being biblically ok or not.

And here is a blog I wrote which deconstructs the idea of marriage vows.  If you are a Christian who is struggling with the idea of unmarried people cohabitating as if they were married, this is for you.  :)

Marriage Vows - Biblical or not?

At the end of the day, I don't care what people think of me.  I have my beliefs and values, and I govern myself accordingly.  What people think no longer dictates the choices I make in my life.

I still have Jesus, people.  But I don't allow legalism to get in the way of enjoying the gifts that He has brought into my life.  Especially my Beloved.  :)

...And Marries Another - Book Review

This is a book I chose to read for the Marriage and Family class I took in Bible College.  I am on the fence, not so much undecided, but more like I could go either way with either getting married again one day, or cohabitating with someone I love.  Either one would need to involve some preliminary discussions, regardless.

That being said, the number one reason I read THIS book in particular, was because after my ex moved out, I was told by the pastor of my church that he and his wife were there for me, and I could call anytime.  So this one time I called, and after venting about a current thing that happened, he interrupted me to announce that if I decided to move on with my life with someone new, he would not be able to perform a wedding for me.  He did not back this up biblically with me, nor did he explain why he had these certain convictions.  It was like a door slamming in my face.  A few years later, he admitted that he DID marry other previously divorced people, and the only reason he told ME that was because he thought I had some problems relating to people, and he was trying to open a discussion with me that day about all of my problems with that.  I told him that he should have just said that, rather than speaking in riddles and that maybe HE was the one who had problems relating to people.  I finally told him last spring after four years of discussions with him) that he is off the hook, I am not going to even try to reconcile with him anymore, because he has demonstrated to me that he really is not my friend.

But it was because of this area, that I wanted to study this book, just for my own little piece of biblical justification against a closed minded pastor who speaks in riddles.

…And Marries Another

Divorce and Remarriage in the Teachings of the New Testament

Divorce.  It’s not a topic that people want to look at or think about when they are contemplating finding a mate, settling down and starting a family.  Yet, one ought to take into consideration that divorce happens, and it happens quite a lot.  So, it’s probably not a bad idea to make plans for how you’re going to build up your marriage to the best of your ability in order to prevent such a tragedy from happening.  But – what if it happens anyway?  What if your best laid plans are shattered to pieces and the marriage fails?  What then?  Are you destined to be alone from now on?  Are you forbidden to actively participate in ministry because of this terrible sin?  Certainly there are churches out there that promote this line of thinking.  But what does the Bible really say about all of that?  Where DOES one go from here, after the house of cards has fallen down?  Craig Keener, a well respected bible scholar, tackles these questions in his book …And Marries Another.

The first thing he is quick to point out is why he embarked on this journey of researching the topic.  “Many loving and compassionate people have been wounded by spouses they trusted, only to be wounded again by fellow-Christians who did not know what to do with them” (vii).  This exact thing has been a very difficult issue for me to get over in my personal situation.  I can see that part of the reason why some of my fellow-Christians continue to behave in ways that annoy or just plain hurt me – it’s because they haven’t been taught (by experience or otherwise) what divorce is really about.  All they know are a few “prooftexts” which appear to approve of their stance about divorce.  But this leaves a divorcing person even more wounded than before.  Keener sees the necessity of digging deeper into the biblical texts, the majority of them in their most original form, and interpreting it according to the context and culture in which these wisdom sayings were being proliferated to. 

I’ve been doing some thinking about attending a different church and/or denomination.  I’ve not done this yet, because I want to reconcile with my church family.  There are still a few difficulties there and that makes it hard to attend.  Keener cites several examples of how divorced people have “wisely” sought fellowship in other denominations.  It might be wise to consider other options in hopes of finding a safer place to worship.  I am not sure, but felt it was worth mentioning.

Keener mentions the Matthew 5 passages about divorce and remarriage.  He says “these teachings are not primarily rules to be enforced by the church.  They function especially as an end-time summons to repentance and as a call to live a lifestyle that opposes anger, lust, divorce, falsehood and so on” (24).  He also cites that “this passage clearly permits the innocent party in a divorce to remarry” (33).  Keener does touch on “psychological abuse” briefly, but I would have liked to know more biblical background for that reason for divorce.  I feel because of what I’d term as emotional and verbal abuse, that I am an “innocent party” in that had that not been going on, I would have NEVER chosen this path for my life.  So I chose to read Keeners book with that definition in mind when I read “innocent party”. 

It’s not so much that I need to find scripture to agree with me, though it is nice when it happens.  But I wanted to have a more in depth look at what the bible says about these passages.  I have felt the need to be armed with the Word in these areas for when Christians want to have a “conversation” with me about it.  I want to be ready to give an answer.  And I am open to remarriage at some point, but I know that I still have some ground to cover before that happens for me.  Part of that is having a good working knowledge of biblical texts regarding this topic to help me lay a good foundation for my future, based on God’s truth and my interaction with Him in regards to that, rather than allowing other people and denominations put me into bondage while devaluing me with their misinterpretations of these texts.   

Addiction and Grace - Book Review

This is an assignment that I did in March of 2009 giving a personal reflection on how addiction has affected me in my life.

Addiction and Grace

Gerald G. May M.D., a reasonably careful scientist (vi), has a very insightful opinion of addiction.  Though he admits that he is “not a trained theologian nor scriptural scholar” (vi), it seems as though he is very qualified to speak on this issue.  He uses his own personal struggles, as well as particular examples of other people he has worked with in their struggles with addiction.  The main idea that he addresses in the book is that, as human beings, we all have addictions, whether big or small, and we all stand in need of God's grace because of it.  The intended audience of the book is not just for those with prominent addictions, or those who love such afflicted individuals, but to the average person.  This information could also prove helpful to those in a position of ministering to addicted persons.  This book seems believable for two reasons: 1. the author speaks from his heart of passion on the issue and isn't afraid of sharing his own struggles in this area, and 2. he backs up his passion with scripture, psychology, and brain science. 

I appreciate the way the author shares his heart on these issues. He begins with a personal story of losing his dad at age nine.  This caused him to turn away from God, and “protect” his heart from further trauma.  When we turn from God, we will sin.  “Pain causes us to turn away from love.  This causes us to turn to repression and addiction” (2).  We have inner desires for love, protection, and understanding to name a few.  When these needs go unmet, our desires will continue to search for something to comfort and quiet the unsettled feeling inside.  We may reach for something, or withdraw from something.  “Repression stifles desire, addiction attaches desire” (3).  Either way, we are acting apart from God, and stand in need of His grace.  “Our addictions can lead us to a deep appreciation of grace.  They can bring us to our knees” (4).  The truth is that our addictions will not satisfy those desires within.  These needs can only be met by God.  It is our deficiencies that lead us closer to understanding our need of Him to make us complete.  “To be alive is to be addicted, and to be alive and addicted is to stand in need of grace” (11).  This is May's overall presupposition, and a fairly accurate one at that. 

I found the author to be quite confident in his thoughts and opinions.  I don't know if religious authorities would appreciate his outlook.  However, I believe this would only add to his credibility.  He doesn't appear to be legalistic in any way, yet he backs up his thoughts and opinions with scripture.  Not only that, but he backs it up with science.  He is successful in making science and scripture back one another up on this topic. 

The Christian Church would do well to review the content of this study.  There are many who are afflicted with addiction in church, and some are even addicted to church.  Most people don't recognize and thus acknowledge the fact that spiritual practices can in and of themselves become addictions because they are so socially acceptable.  “Addiction to a religious system, like addiction to anything else, brings slavery, not freedom” (97).  “All these things [spiritual practices] are vehicles for God's love, but addiction to them makes them obstacles to the freedom of our own hearts” (97, italics mine).  If the Christian Community wishes to follow Jesus in reaching out to the addicted, it's important to recognize one's own addictiveness, and thus gain a personal understanding of the pitfalls and struggle associated with it.  It is likely difficult for anyone to open themselves up to dealing with the underlying cause of their addiction with anyone who professes an appearance of having it all together, and having all the answers.  “Doctrines of belief, rules of life, standards of conduct, and reliance on Scripture are all essential aspects of a spiritual life” (97).   However, “because we are addicted, our motivations are always mixed and our hearts are never completely pure” (108).  Once this can be authentically acknowledged by the people-helper, they are then more prepared and equipped to come alongside those who have more difficult addictions, and respond more appropriately, and with more understanding.

This book impacted me in many ways.  I'm quite familiar with alcohol addiction in particular.  It helps me to view addiction in the way May describes it.  Several of my family members were raised in residential schools.  In that segment of the family, there is a lot of alcoholism.  My mother's brother was a wino, a tin cup full of wine at all times, a mouth full of rotten teeth, but a happy disposition.  My maternal grandfather was one of those who become ugly and violent when he drank.  His twin brother died after drinking antifreeze that had been stored in a beer bottle.  It's sad to think of how much pain these people must have been in to allow themselves to become something so radically diametric to what God had created them to be.  My mom didn't seem to inherit that particular addiction, but she did marry an alcoholic – my dad.  There's not a lot to say about that, other than it (the addiction) is partially responsible for his absence in my life in general.  I suppose absence is somewhat better than the trauma of living with an alcoholic, yet it is still damaging.  In looking at his history, it's easy to see why he would turn to something to alleviate the pain.  His dad was a pedophile.  Very few in that segment of my family have not been affected by that, but there are even fewer who have the courage to remember and/or admit it.  Most of them are addicted to their JW cult. 

It was previously easy to be judgmental and critical of these and other members of my family, and even more so to outsiders.  However, I have come to appreciate the kind of pain that leads one to choose such addictions.  I would say that many in my family are indeed enslaved; paternal relatives to their JW cult, dad is a slave to the bottle, mom is a slave to her Body Dysmorphic Disorder, my ex-husband is a slave to his job and stress.  It seems very sad to me to think that they are so enslaved.  And this enslavement, in turn, creates painful situations for those close to them, which has the potential to cause another environment that is ripe for an addiction to start. 

The reason it is so sad, is because the addictions that people become enslaved to wall off the God given giftedness, talents, and loving heart that is inside each one of us.  Take my maternal grandfather, for example.  By the time I came along, he had already made the decision to quit drinking.  I only knew him as this lovely, doting grandfather, who was kind and a little shy.  But my grandmother, my mom and her siblings knew him to be a monster.  Before my time, he drank frequently, and took to beating my grandmother repeatedly, and even chasing my mother with a knife.  I believe he went to residential school, and I wonder what kind of experiences he had as a child that gave him the propensity to drink so often.  Perhaps if he had been able to stay away from the booze, he would have been the kind person back then that I knew him to be.  Maybe he would have been a loving and protective husband and father.  Perhaps my uncle and aunt wouldn't have taken to the drink themselves as a result of the trauma they experienced because of him.  Maybe my mom wouldn't have felt the familiar yet subconscious inclination to choose an alcoholic for a husband.  Perhaps there would have been a legacy of health and kindness, instead of abuse and addiction.

Another area where addiction has affected me is in relating to my former husband.  I had felt for many years that he was a workaholic, and the book pretty much confirms that this is true.  But what I also learned is how a person can be addicted to stress.  I could never make sense of his stress levels, and why he couldn't relax or sleep at night.  For the longest time, he blamed me, and I believed him.  I tried a lot of different ways of helping him.  But when or if I was able to eliminate one stress trigger for a time, his stress level didn't change because he found other things to be stressed about.  Now I see that because of the way the brain responds to stress chemicals, it would be nearly impossible for him to chill out, or relax.  His brain cells would be crying out for their fix. 

May explains very accurately how all these stress addiction dynamics play out.  I remember experiencing a lot of loneliness in the marriage because he was always running around finding things to do instead of spending time with me.  “Thus the person who is trying to settle down may find himself becoming increasingly anxious, looking around for something to do, and not experiencing the rest and relaxation he had hoped for.”  “A severely stress-addicted person can thus be in a completely no win situation, becoming increasingly fatigued but at the same time increasingly uncomfortable with any situation that might offer rest” (88).  I didn't fully understand how he could choose leaving us rather than deal with some of these issues.  Reading this book has certainly helped me understand how the addicted person can be in such denial.  “If a hint of the truth of the addiction should find it's way into awareness, either through an unguarded moment of self reflection or because another person points it out, other mechanisms come into play.  The addicted person will change the subject, reject it out of hand, or conveniently forget to pursue it” (44-45). 

I really related to the stories of Jim and Jean.  Jim reminds me of my former husband, and Jean reminds me of what I once was.  “Jim, a man of moderation in all things except his work.  Addicted to his own sense of responsibility and need to perform, he worries constantly about money and security.”   “Jean is addicted to her relationship with her husband, who berates and belittles her at every opportunity.  Friends who have witnessed this tell her to stand up to him, but the very thought of threatening the relationship fills her with panic” (21).  Yes, I was addicted to the relationship with my husband.  I know exactly why: my parents are divorced, and I swore to myself that I would never allow that to happen to me.  When things didn't pan out, I worked harder.  I can see how I became obsessed with finding the solution.  It's not unlike the gambler, who just “knows” that if she keeps putting the coins into the slot, eventually it will pay off.  I never really saw that about myself before.  After all, working on saving a marriage is quite a “noble” task to undertake.  Then, to take it further, I got saved.  Now I was sure this was to be the elusive answer to all of the problems.  God would surely come to my aid if I just kept the faith, and prayed enough.  Even when I was jumping through all the spiritual hoops I could find, I didn't see how addicted I was to finding the answer. 

So now I see, at least in part, my own addictive nature.  I believe it's worth seeing, and not being in denial about it, even though it is a little disturbing.  I am also aware of the possibility that there are other addictions that I have that I am not ready to see.  I'm pretty sure that God has a good reason for helping me be aware of such dynamics in my own life.  This isn't just a study of how to identify addictions in others.  “Even when we know that our hunger is for God alone, we will still be looking for loopholes... we naturally look for the least painful ways of living” (93).  Ouch!  Is there any hope then for someone like me?  “Is it possible that the heart can begin an act of consecration while the mind is still wondering what it's all about?” (161).  I think so. 

I've been learning how to hang in there with myself and with God, “learning (my) mind tricks by experiencing how they defeat (me)” (166).  And I just quit.  I quit everything that wasn't working.  The marriage ended, and I don't go to church so much.  Now that there is an empty space where those addictions used to be, I am finding that my relationships are getting better.  I feel closer with my kids this year than I ever have.  I have allowed a new person to share his heart with mine as I slowly move forward into this new life ahead of me.  I have several new friends, and I have time and energy to attend college full time.  It was really hard to see how much “space” those addictions filled up until they were gone.  I've even started talking to God again.  We used to talk all the time, and when I quit everything, I think I quit Him too in a sense.  I knew He understood more about what I was going through than I did, and that was enough for me during that time period.  His grace is much deeper than the pit I was trying to climb out of, and it extends for longer periods of time, certainly longer than I can last! 

These days, I don't try so hard.  I choose to be content with who I am, and be honest to God about my life, including addictions.  “I also try to turn to God while I am engaging in addictive behaviors...  I cannot honestly pray to be freed from the behavior; I really do not want to give it up.  At the very least, however, I can wordlessly turn to God as if to say, 'See?  This is who I am'” (168).  I am still acceptable to God as I am, but it's probably easier for Him to speak to me when my addictions aren't in the way.  

Wounded Heart - Book Review

This is a book review that I wrote back in February of 2009.  :)

Wounded Hearts

Abuse is one of those topics that has a wide range of variables.  We've all seen the movies, the documentaries, the news photos that portray abuse.  Society has made great strides in creating awareness, which has probably helped many people.  Movies like The Burning Bed and A Cry For Help: The Tracy Thurman Story have helped facilitate reform in how abuse cases are handled.  However, it seems nearly impossible to find like media on abuse topics that don't include physical/sexual abuse.  Perhaps it is because, although devastating in many ways, more subtle forms of abuse just don't make the headlines, and therefore, are not considered movie-worthy.

Emotional/mental abuse and manipulation may not always be accompanied by physical and/or sexual abuse, but you can be sure that physical and sexual abuse is ALWAYS accompanied by emotional and mental abuse.  In “The Burning Bed”, Francine's mother tells her, “Lots of women, have to put up with their men, especially if there's children.  But mostly the men don't mean it.  If you make a hard bed, then you have to lay in it.  It's his baby too.  I know he's jealous but that's only natural.  It's your duty to stand by him.  Francine, he loves you.  It's really not so bad, is it?”  This is an example of a nonoffending parent that Allender mentions in his book “The Wounded Heart.”  (Allender 234)  An educated guess might say that Francine grew up either receiving or witnessing some kind of abuse in her childhood, her mother enabling the abuser to continue the abuse.  Now here is her daughter in the midst of suffering severe abuse, and her mother is again, enabling the abuser, minimizing his actions, making Francine responsible for the abuser's behavior.  “Many women who have been abused end up in tragic relationships in which they are revictimized” (Allender 80).  Personal experience affirms that this is quite true. 

When a person is being victimized, it can be very difficult to know where to turn for help.  Francine found it difficult to find any kind of help.  She first tried to get help from Mickey's parents, but they were also a typical nonoffending party to the abuse, like her mother.  The law has changed since this all took place, but at the time, she had no recourse.  The law, social services, she tried everything, but no one could, or would, help her.  It was similar in the movie, “A Cry For Help.”  The sweet thing was that in this case, Tracy (the battered wife) was later able to take on the police dept. in a court of law for their negligence; and she won.  When it is so difficult to get help, even though you are covered in cuts and bruises, what recourse is there for those who are suffering from emotional/mental abuse?  It's difficult to prosecute someone for bruising your heart, belittling your creativity, and battering your personhood.  “Sexually [and I would add emotionally] abusive words produce the same damage as sexually [and physically] abusive contact.  Yet the potential for minimization or feeling weird for being damaged makes the potential for change even more difficult for those more subtly abused than for those more severely abused” (Allender 49, italics mine).  No one can really measure the toll that emotional abuse takes on the soul.  Only the Lord truly knows the extent of the damage. 

I found it quite amazing that Francine continued to exhibit her bravery and her desire for a life that was better than it was with Mickey.  Perhaps I am amazed because I am still minimizing my own experience.  My desire for not just a better life, but a desire to live rather than be the walking dead, created, or rather, exposed the mess that my life really was.  “Many abuse victims begin the process of repentance, without even realizing it, when they acknowledge hurt and sadness in current relationships” (Allender 205).  Acknowledging that things aren't the way they are supposed to be, and that I've already done everything I can think of and there's nothing additional to utilize is very frustrating.  Allender encapsulates these feelings when he writes: “At first, failure to achieve our desired end will elicit careful scrutiny (What can I do better?) and resumed commitment (How can I try harder?).  Success may be achieved – straight A's, an athletic scholarship, perfect Sunday school attendance – but the real goal – a happy family, an end to abuse, or relief from the pain – is always out of reach.  The natural result will be a severe (and likely contemptuous) question as to what is wrong with us.  “Why cant I run faster, or sing better, or be more perfect?”  The self-doubt opens the door to despair” (Allender 110).  And lo, what an awful despair that is!  However, the benefit of that has been that when you are as low as you can possibly be, and there's nothing left to try, you realize that you can only go up from there, or die.  “If the victim wants to live free of the pain, then she must choose not to be alive” (Allender 109).  There were lots of little “deaths” along the way for me, but my big “death experience” happened in 2007, where I was a zombie for three months.  In the third month it dawned on me, that this was certainly not the way I wanted to live my life anymore.  I needed to get better so I could make some hard choices about the direction of my life.  No one was going to do it for me (or with me), I had to make the choice to move forward, whether moving forward was pretty or not. 

Creating and enforcing healthy boundaries is essential for the abuse survivor.  However it can be difficult to do this when personal boundaries have not been respected in the past.  And the people you are setting the boundary against often react badly when they lose control of an area they previously had total control in.  When an abusive person comes face to face with the light of truth (that they are being abusive and it is no longer okay), “evil must flee or be transformed” (Allender 221).  When my former husband was faced with this choice, he did not choose transformation.  But, Allender writes, “If a husband will not pursue counseling with his wife, the wife can still benefit from a counselor who will help her explore what it means to love a man who will not involve himself in the process of change” (Allender 224).  I did spend quite a few years in this exact spot.  It's not easy to break away from an abusive relationship, as Francine Hughes and Tracy Thurman can attest to, but it is sometimes essential to save your own life, to find the abundance that God has waiting.  “Regardless of whether or not the marital relationship improves or disintegrates, the victim's passion for life will increase.  Her tears will be deeper and her laughter will be richer.  Ultimately, living out honesty, repentance, and bold love will draw her good heart toward the Author of life and His character qualities will become hers” (Allender 225).  When you no longer have to hold your breath when you hear his car in the driveway, or count the “cost” of buying yourself an inexpensive bottle of perfume, you begin to finally find the rest and peace you so longed to have in the marriage.  Air smells sweeter, more laughter escapes from your throat, and things start to really come alive once you've been released from the protection-tomb of your own making.  I am grateful that I didn't have to burn my husband in his bed to finally break away and find life again. 

Bold love is a difficult thing to accomplish for many people, myself included.  Allender has many freedom-producing points about boldly loving the capital-A abuser(s) in your life.  He points to 2 Thesselonians 3:14-15, which states, “If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of him.  Do not associate with him, in order that he may feel ashamed.  Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother.”  “This form of excommunication is actually a gift,” Allender explains, “a respectful choice to honor the abuser with the consequences of his own destructive choice, in the hope that loneliness and shame will draw his cold heart back to the fire of relationship” (Allender 228).  It took a long time for me to realize that it was also biblically okay to separate from my husband, and that it was actually loving him to do so.  “A refusal to normalize a wicked relationship is a gift of excommunication that waits for the sinner's return but does not offer deep relationship until he acknowledges and deals with his sin.  The offer of restored relationship ... in honest, open-hearted kindness, is living out the gospel, even if the offer is spurned and condemned” (Allender 229).  “The Lord tells us to “forgive, if he repents,” making restoration of relationship conditional on the response of the offender” (Allender 230 – see also Luke 17:3).  These passages from Allender are very affirming, yet painful. 

Though it may seem less painful to live life in a deadened state, being fully alive in life has brought more blessing than pain.  Pain tells us when there is something wrong so we can pay attention to it and remedy the problem.  We need pain.  When pain is ignored, it spreads, like leprosy.  But, if the painful truth can be faced, processed and dealt with, it can prevent the pain from infecting others.  Those who ignore pain are also deadened to the pain of their children and the pain of their spouse.  Facing the pain in my life has set me free.  “The freedom, to make difficult and unpopular choices is exhilarating.  Such freedom enables the heart to live a bold, value-controlled verses a frightened, people-dependent life.  The capacity to act on conviction instead of fear enlivens the soul and allows it to soar above the petty attacks and jealousies of a fallen world” (Allender 181). 

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36).

Supportive Resources

Ok, so in this post, I am adding the things that were helpful in my journey towards leaving my abusive husband and after having left him, also losing the support of my church family.

1. The biggest help was Theophostic Ministy.  I am trained in this, and my counselor was trained in it also.  I dealt with a lot of hurt and pain from my past that kept me in fear and bondage to the ways my husband was relating to me.  Once I was able to allow Jesus to help me look at the stuff from my past that was hindering me, and allowing people to treat me poorly, it was easier to deal more appropriately with the more current stuff that was happening with me and my husband.  This website will direct you to a list of people who can help you in this way.  It really helped me.  

2. A Social Worker.  You can ask your family doctor about where to find a social worker to talk to.  They are trained to help families, and can give good counsel, as well as provide options for you, as well as supportive resources in your area.  Because of the gal who helped me, I am now training to become a social worker.  :)

3.  Put a local crisis number in your cell phone for easy access.  Depending on how controlling your hubby is, you may need to put it under another name.

4.  Have a place or two where you know you can go if you need to be safe.  I had some friends who offered to be those places for me.  At the time, I also had a key to my church, and this one night when my husband flew into a rage, I left the house, and locked myself in the church after midnight for a couple of hours and called a crisis line and just talked to someone for a while.

5.  Divorce Care.  This really helped me a LOT.  It's a Christian based program to help individuals understand and cope with the fallout of separation and divorce.  If you're only getting separated, don't be afraid to utilize this helpful program!  It still applies!  :)   They also have a really great devotional book that takes you through a whole year!  You can get it in paperback, or online HERE.


6.  Got kids?  Here are some supports for them!
     
 I took my daughter to the DC4K classes while I attended the adult Divorce Care classes, and man, that really helped alot, for both of us.  :)  It comes with a booklet, and they have snacks and games, but also sharing and stuff.  Admittedly, the vids they use are quite corney, so the kids may do some eye rolling, but, it does educate them about divorce, and reassures them about God loving them, and their parents love them, and it's not their fault and all that.  DC4K

7.  Books, I love books!  Education has been such a helpful thing in my journey through divorce.  Here are a few that have helped me understand how I can be divorced AND a Christian at the same time.  LOL  (Really, it can be done!)

While this book mainly focuses on abuse that happened in childhood, there was definitely a lot that applied to the current situation with my husband in understanding what abuse is, and what the perpetrators of abuse are like, and why, and how it affects a person and why, and how to set boundaries with that.

  This book was really helpful because I found the "biblical" evidence I needed to feel like leaving my husband was ok.  Up till then, it was hard to reconcile the idea of it in my mind...

  I haven't read the whole book, but what I did read really revolutionized some of my thinking.  When I first learned about it in bible college, in a counseling class there, I burst out crying because it was biblical stuff that I NEEDED to know 8 years previously!  Had I learned these things from the pulpit, perhaps I would have left the marriage sooner, rather than trying to carry my cross, martyring myself over and over in a bad situation!

Here is the book review:
IF CHRIST HAD PRACTICED THE KIND OF LOVE WE ADVOCATE NOWADAYS, HE WOULD HAVE LIVED TO A RIPE OLD AGE. We've come to view love as being nice. Forgiving and forgetting. Yielding to the desires of others. Yet the kind of love modeled by Jesus Christ has nothing to do with manners or unconditional acceptance. Rather, it is shrewd. Disruptive. Courageous. And, as a result, socially unacceptable. In Bold Love, Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman III draw out the aggressive, unrelenting, passionate power of genuine love. Far from helping you "get along" with others, Bold Love introduces the outlandish possibility of making a significant, life-changing impact on family, friends, coworkers-even your enemies. "Bold love is anything by passive," writes Dr. Allender. "It is unpredictable, cunning, and creative. It is a violation of the natural order of things. In many cases it will unnerve, offend, disturb, or even hurt those who are being loved. But in the end it will also compel them to deal with the internal disease that is robbing them (and others) of true beauty." So if it feels like you've turned the other cheek so many times your head is spinning, it's probably time to take a second look at your practice of love. Because there's nothing redemptive about a love that just accepts people for who they are.


Now that's what I'm talking about!!!  :D  


So, it's really ok to allow someone, like, say, your husband, to experience and endure the consequences of being a shitty individual to you.  Really it's ok.  Remember he CHOSE to be shitty.  :)


  I did a book report on this book for the "Marriage and Family" class I took in Bible college.  I was the only divorced person in the class, as you can imagine.  LOL  It was very good.  This author is one of the top 5 biblical scholar authors that were recommended to us when doing a research assignment at Bible college.  It was quite enlightening.  :)

  This helps you understand WHY you might be addicted to trying to make that marriage work.  We can all get addicted to things, and I certainly was addicted in that way, and this book helped me to see it.  :)

There are so many good books out there.  But this will get you started with something.  It's not easy to be a Christian and then try to get yourself out of a bad marriage.  It's really hard, I know.  But there are lots of us out there!  And if you have any questions about anything, please feel free to ask.  I have a BA in counseling from a bible college, and I am also studying to be a social worker.  I am 42, I have 2 teenagers, and I'm no longer a doormat, because I am no longer afraid.  If I don't know the answer, I know where to find it.  Ok.

Hang in there!  And I leave you with one last book... which I feel is kinda poignant...

   Bitch:  In Praise of Difficult Women.  Cuz, it's really ok to be labelled as "difficult".  (See Dan Allender's "Bold Love" book.  LOL)

Submission to Husband, Abuse, and the Bible

For fun, and for curiosity, or maybe it's boredom, I was surfing around this blogging site here, just to see what all is available to me.  I found "Traffic sources".  There I learned how people found my blog, and at the bottom, it showed the specific key words that were used this week: submission to husband, abuse and bible.  So, I am sharing this with the person who did that search and found me.

You are the reason that I went to Bible college, after getting separated from my husband.  My church rejected me, didn't know what to do with me, and certainly weren't there for me when my marriage fell apart.  Simply because I was the one to make the decision to end the marriage.  Well, I didn't actually choose to end the marriage, I chose to separate, in the hopes that he would come around.  He didn't.  So THEN I accepted that and ended it, 2 years after.  His abusive manner got worse after we separated, so that helped me know that I made the right decision.  And although I left for what I would term as "emotional abuse" I later found out that he had been hitting our son too.  I also realize now (because of my education), that violence comes in many forms, and emotional abuse IS a form of violence.

But when you're all solidified in your faith, and because of this you are solidified into your marriage vows, how do you separate that out?  It's hard, it really is, especially when you don't have anyone around you to assure you that you're not a complete sinner for wanting to leave your husband.  I stayed WAY too long with my husband, simply because I didn't have anything "concrete" to make it "OK" to leave him, things like bruising from hitting, or an extramarital affair, or evidence of him sexually abusing the kids.  He didn't do any of that (as far as I knew at the time, I found out later about him hitting our son).  I was praised for hanging in there, and enduring the heavy cross laid upon my back.

I think those people at church were dead wrong.  It's easy to look back and see what I could have done instead, and wish I had done some things differently.  But that is a waste of time.  You can't change the past.  But how does one do what's right for your specific situation, yet remain true to what you believe in the bible?  How do you keep a hold of God when everything else is falling apart around you?

First of all, you need to remember that Jesus is not intimidated by Satan's finest work.  There is nothing new under the sun, He's seen it all.  Think about that, He has seen it all.  No one at your church has seen it all when it comes to what happens behind closed doors at your house.  No one at church can see all the things you've tried to do to honour your husband and family and most of all, God.  God has seen it.  He knows.  He also knows how much denial you've been living in... denial is living a lie, pretending things are ok when they aren't.  I don't think that honours God.  But I also know that to stop living in denial, well that makes a LOT of people uncomfortable.  But think about that... if people are more comfortable with you experiencing abuse, than to stand up against it, those people are not your friends, and they are also not honouring God.  (Just like those pious priests who left the bleeding man on the side of the road).  And while we are on the topic of the Good Samaritan, keep in mind that if and when you do leave, and if your church friends and or family desert you, you may find support from people you wouldn't expect.  Remember that God knows everything, and Has your situation in mind and knows who to send your way.  You can often find the fingerprints of God on people and on situations that will surprise you: (Divorce lawyers, judges, and other seemingly "secular" individuals).  Remember it's all created by Him anyways, and you trust HIM, right?  Remember that living inside the rigid boxes of church doctrine is what has kept you in an unsafe situation for too long already.  Let God lead you to new things.

I am going to post a few more things after I am done this blog.  These are things that have helped me along the way.  You can access alot of it on the internet (if you are afraid of having it around the house).

I hope this has found it's way to you, and to anyone else who is having a similar struggle.  Please feel free to comment or contact me.  And know that you're never alone.  *hugs*