Legalistic Logistics

I ran into a gal I went to bible college with yesterday.  She seemed really uncomfortable in my presence.  I introduced her to my beloved, and shared a bit about how we just moved into the area.  He left us to catch up a bit while he grabbed some dog food.  She asked if we were living together, I said yes.  She asked if we were married.  I said no.  She asked if we had separate bedrooms.  I said no.  Then I told her that my beloved embodies everything that most "Christian" men aspire to be.  Just then my beloved returned, and we politely excused ourselves.

I find that this is a topic that brings discomfort as well as MUCH judgement, fear and avoidance from a large segment of the Christian population.  Because of this, I have written some blogs about some different viewpoints regarding divorce, remarriage and such from an open minded, yet biblical perspective.

Here is a book report that I wrote in Bible College for Marriage and Family Class.

My blog addressing the question of remarriage being biblically ok or not.

And here is a blog I wrote which deconstructs the idea of marriage vows.  If you are a Christian who is struggling with the idea of unmarried people cohabitating as if they were married, this is for you.  :)

Marriage Vows - Biblical or not?

At the end of the day, I don't care what people think of me.  I have my beliefs and values, and I govern myself accordingly.  What people think no longer dictates the choices I make in my life.

I still have Jesus, people.  But I don't allow legalism to get in the way of enjoying the gifts that He has brought into my life.  Especially my Beloved.  :)

Spiritual Burn Out - Random Ramblings

I am burnt out.

It's not that I don't believe in God anymore, I'm just mostly burnt out by people and their churchy crappiness.

Now that I've been brushed off by them - I've mentioned it before - my life is much more relaxed and free.

I've been to a few congregational meetings lately, because there is a huge kerfuffle going on there as of late.  It hasn't gotten better.  It's much, much worse.

The church is being sued, the pastor is being sued, and in my opinion, they are being rightfully sued.

I guess I had hoped that being a Christian, going to church, following the doctrine, THAT would help my life work.  It kinda did in some ways.  But moreso, I think it trapped me, and held me hostage for much longer than necessary - in a bad marriage, and in the church itself.  My boyfriend calls it "misplaced optimism".  Indeed...

I'm not in a rantie mood today.  I'm just burnt.  I got rid of a bunch of Christian based books.  I got rid of some spiritually based ornaments.  I'm just really "meh" about it all, and thoroughly uninspired.

Being a Christian did not make my marriage better (obviously) and it created alot of problems I didn't need.

I'm opting out now.  Well, I opted out a while back, but I still had an inkling of hope, and a wee bit of lingering guilt.  But this latest situation

I'm not worried about my bible reading regimen, or my prayer regimen.  I think that if God is real, then He gets my ambivalence.

And what's really, kind of annoying, is that the person I was married to, who opposed my Christianity vehemently, is now doing that Christian "thang".  Oi Vey... so weird.  The funny thing is that I haven't seen it make a difference in how he relates to me... ah well.  As the bible says, "A tree is known by it's fruit..."  And one could apply that to that church I used to go to... indeed.

As Jewel says - "No longer lend your strength to that which you wish to be free from."

...And Marries Another - Book Review

This is a book I chose to read for the Marriage and Family class I took in Bible College.  I am on the fence, not so much undecided, but more like I could go either way with either getting married again one day, or cohabitating with someone I love.  Either one would need to involve some preliminary discussions, regardless.

That being said, the number one reason I read THIS book in particular, was because after my ex moved out, I was told by the pastor of my church that he and his wife were there for me, and I could call anytime.  So this one time I called, and after venting about a current thing that happened, he interrupted me to announce that if I decided to move on with my life with someone new, he would not be able to perform a wedding for me.  He did not back this up biblically with me, nor did he explain why he had these certain convictions.  It was like a door slamming in my face.  A few years later, he admitted that he DID marry other previously divorced people, and the only reason he told ME that was because he thought I had some problems relating to people, and he was trying to open a discussion with me that day about all of my problems with that.  I told him that he should have just said that, rather than speaking in riddles and that maybe HE was the one who had problems relating to people.  I finally told him last spring after four years of discussions with him) that he is off the hook, I am not going to even try to reconcile with him anymore, because he has demonstrated to me that he really is not my friend.

But it was because of this area, that I wanted to study this book, just for my own little piece of biblical justification against a closed minded pastor who speaks in riddles.

…And Marries Another

Divorce and Remarriage in the Teachings of the New Testament

Divorce.  It’s not a topic that people want to look at or think about when they are contemplating finding a mate, settling down and starting a family.  Yet, one ought to take into consideration that divorce happens, and it happens quite a lot.  So, it’s probably not a bad idea to make plans for how you’re going to build up your marriage to the best of your ability in order to prevent such a tragedy from happening.  But – what if it happens anyway?  What if your best laid plans are shattered to pieces and the marriage fails?  What then?  Are you destined to be alone from now on?  Are you forbidden to actively participate in ministry because of this terrible sin?  Certainly there are churches out there that promote this line of thinking.  But what does the Bible really say about all of that?  Where DOES one go from here, after the house of cards has fallen down?  Craig Keener, a well respected bible scholar, tackles these questions in his book …And Marries Another.

The first thing he is quick to point out is why he embarked on this journey of researching the topic.  “Many loving and compassionate people have been wounded by spouses they trusted, only to be wounded again by fellow-Christians who did not know what to do with them” (vii).  This exact thing has been a very difficult issue for me to get over in my personal situation.  I can see that part of the reason why some of my fellow-Christians continue to behave in ways that annoy or just plain hurt me – it’s because they haven’t been taught (by experience or otherwise) what divorce is really about.  All they know are a few “prooftexts” which appear to approve of their stance about divorce.  But this leaves a divorcing person even more wounded than before.  Keener sees the necessity of digging deeper into the biblical texts, the majority of them in their most original form, and interpreting it according to the context and culture in which these wisdom sayings were being proliferated to. 

I’ve been doing some thinking about attending a different church and/or denomination.  I’ve not done this yet, because I want to reconcile with my church family.  There are still a few difficulties there and that makes it hard to attend.  Keener cites several examples of how divorced people have “wisely” sought fellowship in other denominations.  It might be wise to consider other options in hopes of finding a safer place to worship.  I am not sure, but felt it was worth mentioning.

Keener mentions the Matthew 5 passages about divorce and remarriage.  He says “these teachings are not primarily rules to be enforced by the church.  They function especially as an end-time summons to repentance and as a call to live a lifestyle that opposes anger, lust, divorce, falsehood and so on” (24).  He also cites that “this passage clearly permits the innocent party in a divorce to remarry” (33).  Keener does touch on “psychological abuse” briefly, but I would have liked to know more biblical background for that reason for divorce.  I feel because of what I’d term as emotional and verbal abuse, that I am an “innocent party” in that had that not been going on, I would have NEVER chosen this path for my life.  So I chose to read Keeners book with that definition in mind when I read “innocent party”. 

It’s not so much that I need to find scripture to agree with me, though it is nice when it happens.  But I wanted to have a more in depth look at what the bible says about these passages.  I have felt the need to be armed with the Word in these areas for when Christians want to have a “conversation” with me about it.  I want to be ready to give an answer.  And I am open to remarriage at some point, but I know that I still have some ground to cover before that happens for me.  Part of that is having a good working knowledge of biblical texts regarding this topic to help me lay a good foundation for my future, based on God’s truth and my interaction with Him in regards to that, rather than allowing other people and denominations put me into bondage while devaluing me with their misinterpretations of these texts.   

Submission to Husband, Abuse, and the Bible

For fun, and for curiosity, or maybe it's boredom, I was surfing around this blogging site here, just to see what all is available to me.  I found "Traffic sources".  There I learned how people found my blog, and at the bottom, it showed the specific key words that were used this week: submission to husband, abuse and bible.  So, I am sharing this with the person who did that search and found me.

You are the reason that I went to Bible college, after getting separated from my husband.  My church rejected me, didn't know what to do with me, and certainly weren't there for me when my marriage fell apart.  Simply because I was the one to make the decision to end the marriage.  Well, I didn't actually choose to end the marriage, I chose to separate, in the hopes that he would come around.  He didn't.  So THEN I accepted that and ended it, 2 years after.  His abusive manner got worse after we separated, so that helped me know that I made the right decision.  And although I left for what I would term as "emotional abuse" I later found out that he had been hitting our son too.  I also realize now (because of my education), that violence comes in many forms, and emotional abuse IS a form of violence.

But when you're all solidified in your faith, and because of this you are solidified into your marriage vows, how do you separate that out?  It's hard, it really is, especially when you don't have anyone around you to assure you that you're not a complete sinner for wanting to leave your husband.  I stayed WAY too long with my husband, simply because I didn't have anything "concrete" to make it "OK" to leave him, things like bruising from hitting, or an extramarital affair, or evidence of him sexually abusing the kids.  He didn't do any of that (as far as I knew at the time, I found out later about him hitting our son).  I was praised for hanging in there, and enduring the heavy cross laid upon my back.

I think those people at church were dead wrong.  It's easy to look back and see what I could have done instead, and wish I had done some things differently.  But that is a waste of time.  You can't change the past.  But how does one do what's right for your specific situation, yet remain true to what you believe in the bible?  How do you keep a hold of God when everything else is falling apart around you?

First of all, you need to remember that Jesus is not intimidated by Satan's finest work.  There is nothing new under the sun, He's seen it all.  Think about that, He has seen it all.  No one at your church has seen it all when it comes to what happens behind closed doors at your house.  No one at church can see all the things you've tried to do to honour your husband and family and most of all, God.  God has seen it.  He knows.  He also knows how much denial you've been living in... denial is living a lie, pretending things are ok when they aren't.  I don't think that honours God.  But I also know that to stop living in denial, well that makes a LOT of people uncomfortable.  But think about that... if people are more comfortable with you experiencing abuse, than to stand up against it, those people are not your friends, and they are also not honouring God.  (Just like those pious priests who left the bleeding man on the side of the road).  And while we are on the topic of the Good Samaritan, keep in mind that if and when you do leave, and if your church friends and or family desert you, you may find support from people you wouldn't expect.  Remember that God knows everything, and Has your situation in mind and knows who to send your way.  You can often find the fingerprints of God on people and on situations that will surprise you: (Divorce lawyers, judges, and other seemingly "secular" individuals).  Remember it's all created by Him anyways, and you trust HIM, right?  Remember that living inside the rigid boxes of church doctrine is what has kept you in an unsafe situation for too long already.  Let God lead you to new things.

I am going to post a few more things after I am done this blog.  These are things that have helped me along the way.  You can access alot of it on the internet (if you are afraid of having it around the house).

I hope this has found it's way to you, and to anyone else who is having a similar struggle.  Please feel free to comment or contact me.  And know that you're never alone.  *hugs*

Another Reverend Lovejoy

I went to a church today.

I don't go to church services much these days. When I do, it's not at the place I used to consider my "church family". I've worked out most of my differences with most of the people there. I'm glad about that. I really liked those people, and I miss them. But not enough to subject myself to certain intolerances and discriminations by certain people within that body of believers. No thanks. I've never been one to "throw the baby out with the bathwater", so to speak, but in this case, one can only take so much before you throw everything out the window, including the towel.

So after months and months, maybe it's been a year, I don't know, but I went today. I've been to this church a couple of times before and I really liked it. But today, it just irritated me. I won't say the name of the church, because they are new, and "finding themselves", so they don't have a pastor, and they have a different guest speaker every week. So I think it's hit and miss sometimes. I'd say today was a "miss", at least for me.

It was your typical older man, suit and tie, with a conservative mindset to match. He had is radio voice on, and his calculated mannerisms. And of course, his sermon is one that is heard across churches throughout this contenent. Patriarachal guilt mostly, about how we must remember to put God first, and church first, and bible college first. But no, we ignorant and silly people continue to seek education with the focus of making money, and our focus is on our jobs, and our possessions and our outfits (said the man in his spiffy suit). We hope for this and we hope for that, but we forget about our great hope in heaven. And he pulled out story after story to drive the same point home over and over again. It was so redundant, I started to mentally check out.

Just another typical sermon, by a typical, white, middle class conservative male. Nothing new or interesting here.

(Cue the adult voice from any Charlie Brown cartoon)

But I became especially irritated when he mentioned the young person who died by suicide from Providence College last year. He mentioned speaking to the parents of this young person, and how even though they had wave after wave of blackness overwhelming them after they lost their child, they still had that ultimate hope. Ok, if that IS true for them, then I am glad, because I can't think of anything worse than losing a child, and especially losing one that way so I'm glad they found something to hold onto. However, what irritated me was that this kids death was minimized by the speaker. If we're gonna talk about hope, why can't we look at why that person lost their hope? Or even generally, what causes someone to lose all of their hope? There is a gap in the church's knowledge of WHY this happens. We can't always fill that gap with pat answers like "maybe he didn't trust God enough" or some other such corn starch filler. We may not know why people choose suicide sometimes, but I can guarantee you, there is ALWAYS a reason. Maybe he had a mood disorder, maybe he lost a friend, maybe he was failing school, maybe he was molested, or maybe he was verbally and emotionally beaten into the ground for years and just couldn't take it anymore. NONE of that was addressed or even acknowledged. Not only that, but even the grief of the parents was minimized to the pat answer of their "hope in the Lord". Not only was it minimized, but it was exploited by the speaker, to provide drama to a very mundane sermon. Shame on you!

There's nothing wrong with holding onto hope in the Lord. Sometimes, it can feel like that's all you have, and that's when it really counts in your life. I've definately been there. But "Reverend Lovejoy" didn't inspire any of that (or anything else) in me. I wonder if anyone else felt that way?

There is an article about this tragedy

(about the boy who died by suicide, not the sermon).

You can view it here:

http://www.christianweek.org/features.php?id=62

I just wish there were more people offering sermons that actually mean something. I'm so tired of arrogant fluff. I have heard a few good sermons, but they are few and far between. *sigh*

Another One Bits the Dust...

I recieved some bad news recently. Someone I know came to me recently to share that her marriage has died.

A death like that is, in many ways, similar to the death of a loved one. And it IS a death. It's the demise of so many things, not just a relationship, but also of the goals, and hopes and dreams for the future that she once shared with him.

All it takes is a choice, or a series of choices, to kill off that trust.

Now, like so many of us, she has been thrown into unknown territory. She did all the right things, she was faithful, dedicated, loving and yet still her marriage relationship is dead. Can it be revived... that is not for me to say or know. Sometimes that can happen. Often it does not.

The one thing I know is that I don't need to know a whole lot about someone's life to know certain things. If someone leaves their spouse, there will be a very viable reason WHY. People don't up and leave their marriage for no good reason. It's rare. What you can see about someone's relationship is often only part of the story. There's alot that people don't share with the greater population. Especially in church.

My friend's husband broke the trust of his wife, and now everything she has known and trusted is gone. And there are the ripples of how those choices effect so many other people.

I've often thought about how when your spouse dies, people bring you casseroles and give you sympathy cards. But when your marriage dies, really, none of that happens. But I think it should.

I am learning that the Aboriginal perspective of things, is to model the behaviour they want to see in others. Perhaps I ought to follow in their footsteps and model casserole giving for separated people. Mmm-hmmm yes indeed.

So far, her church has been supportive of her. I am glad. She needs support more than ever now. I wish I could say that happened for me. What I can say is that there were certain INDIVIDUALS who reached out, and I appreciated that SO much. It really made a difference. And the ones who responded to my initiation of reconcilliation, that really made a difference too.

But those who continued to sit in judgement, and who attempted to orchestrate things FOR me, instead of talking to me and asking what my needs were, those people have discontinued to be my friends. Some by their choice, others were my choice. They mostly just tried to cover their own asses to ensure their supposed purity or piety. My forhead has left way too much blood on the brick wall. No more head-banging for me. I do pray that she won't encounter this kind of prejudice and judgement and I did.

But most of all, I am so glad that she came to see me. I love you, girlie! (You know who you are!) I am here for you! And I am still here for others who need a friendly face, and a heart that knows and understands what it feels like to go through such a painful life change. Statistics tell me, there will be more. And even though I wasn't allowed to do ministry at my former church for separated and divorced people, I am no longer limited by the boundaries and barriers of the church. This actually frees me up to do what God has called me to do. To walk with people through their valleys.

Life Guru's

I was on another blog, and I had to comment on this post:

I think of the self-help industry much how I think of the media industry. Mildly informative if you can pluck out the gems but mostly dangerous. Many of these so-called gurus need to make a living so pluck away at the fear and greed strings on the emotional guitars of their willing adherents.

Many of these people have never lost a home, lost a business, lost a wife, lost a family, and suffered real hardship but then claim the label of “coach” or “guru” and have at it. Then ten years later we hear about the sex scandals, the financial scandals, the cover-ups, the killings, the real “secrets” in The Secret.

I wish people would be honest. Instead of saying “this is how to be perfect” I wish these people would start from the premise, “hey, I’m striving also. I’m trying to figure it out. Here’s what’s worked for me. Here’s what hasn’t worked for me. And, by the way, here’s the screwed up crap I’m dealing with today. I hope I survive also.”

Just be honest. Is it really that hard in every industry to be honest? Particularly an industry that , first and foremost, about honesty? (Just like the finance industry should be but isn’t).

It's true... many "gurus" don't have an outwardly messy life. And well, when my marriage fell apart, that became SO clear. To them, I was the problem. I never claimed to be perfect, I was open, accountable, went to counseling, served at church consistently and faithfully. I was investing my time, mind and heart into this christian "family" I had found. But when life got messy, they were not there. And I was to blame (in their eyes).

I can be angry about that, but y'know, it taught me how to separate people from God. They may have a similar likeness, but they aren't the same. Relying on my church "family" isn't the same as relying on God. There is so much fear programmed into us through so many avenues, even through church (or maybe ESPECIALLY church). This fear drives many of our actions, or inactions. We are afraid to reach out because it might make us look bad. We are afraid to make a move because it might be wrong, and we need a blaring green light in our face in order to do anything. We are taught NOT to rely on ourselves because we are selfish, self sentered and all that. Ok, I get that that IS part of the package, but it's only part! The other side is that we are made in God's image, called by him, equipped by him. His love and investment in US is what makes the difference, regardless of which direction we go in life. He is still there, at the path's end of each choice. What part of I'll never leave you for forsake you aren't alot of us getting?

So I think that if we keep setting aside our ambitions and life goals in favor of waiting upon the Lord, we are insulting him. He made us, he gave us gifts and abilities, and a desire to follow up on those things. IF you trust God, If you are letting his love cast out your fear, then you shouldn't have any problem trusting yourself and your ability to make mostly good decisions for your life.

And honesty... please CAN we be honest? I saw a t-shirt once that said: "If you always tell the truth, you never have to remember anything" It's SO much easier to just be honest. It takes less energy, and you you don't have to keep track of which version of the truth you said to someone. LOL If you are honest with others about your life, you may open something up for someone else, and it will help them! I should add a disclaimer here that you don't have to share all of your "laundry" with every person you know... but you don't need to lie either. I'd rather say "it's none of your business" or "I choose not to share info about that outside of my family" than to make up some BS story to cover and make the listener happy or impressed. Truth is alot of people will be miffed if you point out that they are being too nosy, but maybe they need to hear it.

The point is that you can be honest, AND you don't have to be TOO honest with certain people. hehe