Addiction and Grace - Book Review

This is an assignment that I did in March of 2009 giving a personal reflection on how addiction has affected me in my life.

Addiction and Grace

Gerald G. May M.D., a reasonably careful scientist (vi), has a very insightful opinion of addiction.  Though he admits that he is “not a trained theologian nor scriptural scholar” (vi), it seems as though he is very qualified to speak on this issue.  He uses his own personal struggles, as well as particular examples of other people he has worked with in their struggles with addiction.  The main idea that he addresses in the book is that, as human beings, we all have addictions, whether big or small, and we all stand in need of God's grace because of it.  The intended audience of the book is not just for those with prominent addictions, or those who love such afflicted individuals, but to the average person.  This information could also prove helpful to those in a position of ministering to addicted persons.  This book seems believable for two reasons: 1. the author speaks from his heart of passion on the issue and isn't afraid of sharing his own struggles in this area, and 2. he backs up his passion with scripture, psychology, and brain science. 

I appreciate the way the author shares his heart on these issues. He begins with a personal story of losing his dad at age nine.  This caused him to turn away from God, and “protect” his heart from further trauma.  When we turn from God, we will sin.  “Pain causes us to turn away from love.  This causes us to turn to repression and addiction” (2).  We have inner desires for love, protection, and understanding to name a few.  When these needs go unmet, our desires will continue to search for something to comfort and quiet the unsettled feeling inside.  We may reach for something, or withdraw from something.  “Repression stifles desire, addiction attaches desire” (3).  Either way, we are acting apart from God, and stand in need of His grace.  “Our addictions can lead us to a deep appreciation of grace.  They can bring us to our knees” (4).  The truth is that our addictions will not satisfy those desires within.  These needs can only be met by God.  It is our deficiencies that lead us closer to understanding our need of Him to make us complete.  “To be alive is to be addicted, and to be alive and addicted is to stand in need of grace” (11).  This is May's overall presupposition, and a fairly accurate one at that. 

I found the author to be quite confident in his thoughts and opinions.  I don't know if religious authorities would appreciate his outlook.  However, I believe this would only add to his credibility.  He doesn't appear to be legalistic in any way, yet he backs up his thoughts and opinions with scripture.  Not only that, but he backs it up with science.  He is successful in making science and scripture back one another up on this topic. 

The Christian Church would do well to review the content of this study.  There are many who are afflicted with addiction in church, and some are even addicted to church.  Most people don't recognize and thus acknowledge the fact that spiritual practices can in and of themselves become addictions because they are so socially acceptable.  “Addiction to a religious system, like addiction to anything else, brings slavery, not freedom” (97).  “All these things [spiritual practices] are vehicles for God's love, but addiction to them makes them obstacles to the freedom of our own hearts” (97, italics mine).  If the Christian Community wishes to follow Jesus in reaching out to the addicted, it's important to recognize one's own addictiveness, and thus gain a personal understanding of the pitfalls and struggle associated with it.  It is likely difficult for anyone to open themselves up to dealing with the underlying cause of their addiction with anyone who professes an appearance of having it all together, and having all the answers.  “Doctrines of belief, rules of life, standards of conduct, and reliance on Scripture are all essential aspects of a spiritual life” (97).   However, “because we are addicted, our motivations are always mixed and our hearts are never completely pure” (108).  Once this can be authentically acknowledged by the people-helper, they are then more prepared and equipped to come alongside those who have more difficult addictions, and respond more appropriately, and with more understanding.

This book impacted me in many ways.  I'm quite familiar with alcohol addiction in particular.  It helps me to view addiction in the way May describes it.  Several of my family members were raised in residential schools.  In that segment of the family, there is a lot of alcoholism.  My mother's brother was a wino, a tin cup full of wine at all times, a mouth full of rotten teeth, but a happy disposition.  My maternal grandfather was one of those who become ugly and violent when he drank.  His twin brother died after drinking antifreeze that had been stored in a beer bottle.  It's sad to think of how much pain these people must have been in to allow themselves to become something so radically diametric to what God had created them to be.  My mom didn't seem to inherit that particular addiction, but she did marry an alcoholic – my dad.  There's not a lot to say about that, other than it (the addiction) is partially responsible for his absence in my life in general.  I suppose absence is somewhat better than the trauma of living with an alcoholic, yet it is still damaging.  In looking at his history, it's easy to see why he would turn to something to alleviate the pain.  His dad was a pedophile.  Very few in that segment of my family have not been affected by that, but there are even fewer who have the courage to remember and/or admit it.  Most of them are addicted to their JW cult. 

It was previously easy to be judgmental and critical of these and other members of my family, and even more so to outsiders.  However, I have come to appreciate the kind of pain that leads one to choose such addictions.  I would say that many in my family are indeed enslaved; paternal relatives to their JW cult, dad is a slave to the bottle, mom is a slave to her Body Dysmorphic Disorder, my ex-husband is a slave to his job and stress.  It seems very sad to me to think that they are so enslaved.  And this enslavement, in turn, creates painful situations for those close to them, which has the potential to cause another environment that is ripe for an addiction to start. 

The reason it is so sad, is because the addictions that people become enslaved to wall off the God given giftedness, talents, and loving heart that is inside each one of us.  Take my maternal grandfather, for example.  By the time I came along, he had already made the decision to quit drinking.  I only knew him as this lovely, doting grandfather, who was kind and a little shy.  But my grandmother, my mom and her siblings knew him to be a monster.  Before my time, he drank frequently, and took to beating my grandmother repeatedly, and even chasing my mother with a knife.  I believe he went to residential school, and I wonder what kind of experiences he had as a child that gave him the propensity to drink so often.  Perhaps if he had been able to stay away from the booze, he would have been the kind person back then that I knew him to be.  Maybe he would have been a loving and protective husband and father.  Perhaps my uncle and aunt wouldn't have taken to the drink themselves as a result of the trauma they experienced because of him.  Maybe my mom wouldn't have felt the familiar yet subconscious inclination to choose an alcoholic for a husband.  Perhaps there would have been a legacy of health and kindness, instead of abuse and addiction.

Another area where addiction has affected me is in relating to my former husband.  I had felt for many years that he was a workaholic, and the book pretty much confirms that this is true.  But what I also learned is how a person can be addicted to stress.  I could never make sense of his stress levels, and why he couldn't relax or sleep at night.  For the longest time, he blamed me, and I believed him.  I tried a lot of different ways of helping him.  But when or if I was able to eliminate one stress trigger for a time, his stress level didn't change because he found other things to be stressed about.  Now I see that because of the way the brain responds to stress chemicals, it would be nearly impossible for him to chill out, or relax.  His brain cells would be crying out for their fix. 

May explains very accurately how all these stress addiction dynamics play out.  I remember experiencing a lot of loneliness in the marriage because he was always running around finding things to do instead of spending time with me.  “Thus the person who is trying to settle down may find himself becoming increasingly anxious, looking around for something to do, and not experiencing the rest and relaxation he had hoped for.”  “A severely stress-addicted person can thus be in a completely no win situation, becoming increasingly fatigued but at the same time increasingly uncomfortable with any situation that might offer rest” (88).  I didn't fully understand how he could choose leaving us rather than deal with some of these issues.  Reading this book has certainly helped me understand how the addicted person can be in such denial.  “If a hint of the truth of the addiction should find it's way into awareness, either through an unguarded moment of self reflection or because another person points it out, other mechanisms come into play.  The addicted person will change the subject, reject it out of hand, or conveniently forget to pursue it” (44-45). 

I really related to the stories of Jim and Jean.  Jim reminds me of my former husband, and Jean reminds me of what I once was.  “Jim, a man of moderation in all things except his work.  Addicted to his own sense of responsibility and need to perform, he worries constantly about money and security.”   “Jean is addicted to her relationship with her husband, who berates and belittles her at every opportunity.  Friends who have witnessed this tell her to stand up to him, but the very thought of threatening the relationship fills her with panic” (21).  Yes, I was addicted to the relationship with my husband.  I know exactly why: my parents are divorced, and I swore to myself that I would never allow that to happen to me.  When things didn't pan out, I worked harder.  I can see how I became obsessed with finding the solution.  It's not unlike the gambler, who just “knows” that if she keeps putting the coins into the slot, eventually it will pay off.  I never really saw that about myself before.  After all, working on saving a marriage is quite a “noble” task to undertake.  Then, to take it further, I got saved.  Now I was sure this was to be the elusive answer to all of the problems.  God would surely come to my aid if I just kept the faith, and prayed enough.  Even when I was jumping through all the spiritual hoops I could find, I didn't see how addicted I was to finding the answer. 

So now I see, at least in part, my own addictive nature.  I believe it's worth seeing, and not being in denial about it, even though it is a little disturbing.  I am also aware of the possibility that there are other addictions that I have that I am not ready to see.  I'm pretty sure that God has a good reason for helping me be aware of such dynamics in my own life.  This isn't just a study of how to identify addictions in others.  “Even when we know that our hunger is for God alone, we will still be looking for loopholes... we naturally look for the least painful ways of living” (93).  Ouch!  Is there any hope then for someone like me?  “Is it possible that the heart can begin an act of consecration while the mind is still wondering what it's all about?” (161).  I think so. 

I've been learning how to hang in there with myself and with God, “learning (my) mind tricks by experiencing how they defeat (me)” (166).  And I just quit.  I quit everything that wasn't working.  The marriage ended, and I don't go to church so much.  Now that there is an empty space where those addictions used to be, I am finding that my relationships are getting better.  I feel closer with my kids this year than I ever have.  I have allowed a new person to share his heart with mine as I slowly move forward into this new life ahead of me.  I have several new friends, and I have time and energy to attend college full time.  It was really hard to see how much “space” those addictions filled up until they were gone.  I've even started talking to God again.  We used to talk all the time, and when I quit everything, I think I quit Him too in a sense.  I knew He understood more about what I was going through than I did, and that was enough for me during that time period.  His grace is much deeper than the pit I was trying to climb out of, and it extends for longer periods of time, certainly longer than I can last! 

These days, I don't try so hard.  I choose to be content with who I am, and be honest to God about my life, including addictions.  “I also try to turn to God while I am engaging in addictive behaviors...  I cannot honestly pray to be freed from the behavior; I really do not want to give it up.  At the very least, however, I can wordlessly turn to God as if to say, 'See?  This is who I am'” (168).  I am still acceptable to God as I am, but it's probably easier for Him to speak to me when my addictions aren't in the way.