Family Christmas

Yep, so we've made it through another Christmas.

As a single childless person, it seemed to be a big job to finagle a way to get to the family Christmas. All the married with children coworkers get priority for holiday time and it can be expensive to get there, nevermind the gifts.

Then you meet "the one" (she said, sardonically) and now you have to juggle your holiday time between two families. Do we go go to my mother's or his on C day?

Then the kids come and it seems even more important for them to spend time with extended family over the holidays.

Then you get divorced. That changes a lot. You no longer spend time with his family, some you're glad about, lol... But some not because you miss them. So you juggle the children to ensure that both parents get to see the children equally. Then you try to fill the empty days with no kids. Parties? Home renos? Stay in bed with a bottle of wine and movies?

Then life moves forward. You meet someone new, with children, extended family, etc. So take the above and multiply it by 2 or more. How can you schedule everyone and everything so everyone gets to do everything? And on time? The answer is simple. You don't. You just do your best. Sometimes people are missing from events. Sometimes you're late. Sometimes you didn't get to make that dish you promised a month ago to bring. Or you did make it but in the chaos, you forgot it by the door, or you had a migraine and you're just barely making it to the event at all.

What I propose in the midst of all this is to chill. If everyone knows that the snacks are being served at 3, then serve them at 3. Even if people are late. The late people will likely appreciate that you didn't wait because they are late for a reason, reasons that are probably due to falling behind because of the juggling and the stress. The last thing they need is to feel guilty because THEY made YOU wait. They aren't expecting you to wait. They know the time. They know they are late. Don't text them a million times asking where they are. You'll just make it worse. They are doing their best to fit you into their very busy holiday schedule. You're lucky they are coming at all. Lol

Try to schedule a day or two over the holidays where you don't do anything. How can it be a holiday if you never relax? Take time for that. :)

I could write more but I must get back to my boxing day of relaxing. :)

I miss my kids. They are with dad today.

But I am with my Honey and three of his kids. He really adds so much value to our lives. <3

A Life Uncommon

This is dedicated to all of my single mom friends out there, known and unknown.  

There are many things that oppress us, as women, as mothers, as ex wives and ex girlfriends... 

Regardless of what you are facing, keep in mind what your ultimate goal is.  

At the end of the day, do you have a good relationship with your kids?  Can you look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day?  Are there people who love you?  Are there people in your life who LET you love them?  Are you living an authentic life, being true to yourself?  

If you answered yes to the above questions, then you are truly blessed.  

These are things that all the money in the world cannot buy.  Don't let anyone hold anything over your head, because at the end of the day, when this life is over, he may be laid to rest in a golden coffin, and you, in a pine box.  But only God knows the heart, and money cannot buy a good heart.  

Hang in there, my girls.  Listen to this song, and be encouraged.

Love, Bambi.

...And Marries Another - Book Review

This is a book I chose to read for the Marriage and Family class I took in Bible College.  I am on the fence, not so much undecided, but more like I could go either way with either getting married again one day, or cohabitating with someone I love.  Either one would need to involve some preliminary discussions, regardless.

That being said, the number one reason I read THIS book in particular, was because after my ex moved out, I was told by the pastor of my church that he and his wife were there for me, and I could call anytime.  So this one time I called, and after venting about a current thing that happened, he interrupted me to announce that if I decided to move on with my life with someone new, he would not be able to perform a wedding for me.  He did not back this up biblically with me, nor did he explain why he had these certain convictions.  It was like a door slamming in my face.  A few years later, he admitted that he DID marry other previously divorced people, and the only reason he told ME that was because he thought I had some problems relating to people, and he was trying to open a discussion with me that day about all of my problems with that.  I told him that he should have just said that, rather than speaking in riddles and that maybe HE was the one who had problems relating to people.  I finally told him last spring after four years of discussions with him) that he is off the hook, I am not going to even try to reconcile with him anymore, because he has demonstrated to me that he really is not my friend.

But it was because of this area, that I wanted to study this book, just for my own little piece of biblical justification against a closed minded pastor who speaks in riddles.

…And Marries Another

Divorce and Remarriage in the Teachings of the New Testament

Divorce.  It’s not a topic that people want to look at or think about when they are contemplating finding a mate, settling down and starting a family.  Yet, one ought to take into consideration that divorce happens, and it happens quite a lot.  So, it’s probably not a bad idea to make plans for how you’re going to build up your marriage to the best of your ability in order to prevent such a tragedy from happening.  But – what if it happens anyway?  What if your best laid plans are shattered to pieces and the marriage fails?  What then?  Are you destined to be alone from now on?  Are you forbidden to actively participate in ministry because of this terrible sin?  Certainly there are churches out there that promote this line of thinking.  But what does the Bible really say about all of that?  Where DOES one go from here, after the house of cards has fallen down?  Craig Keener, a well respected bible scholar, tackles these questions in his book …And Marries Another.

The first thing he is quick to point out is why he embarked on this journey of researching the topic.  “Many loving and compassionate people have been wounded by spouses they trusted, only to be wounded again by fellow-Christians who did not know what to do with them” (vii).  This exact thing has been a very difficult issue for me to get over in my personal situation.  I can see that part of the reason why some of my fellow-Christians continue to behave in ways that annoy or just plain hurt me – it’s because they haven’t been taught (by experience or otherwise) what divorce is really about.  All they know are a few “prooftexts” which appear to approve of their stance about divorce.  But this leaves a divorcing person even more wounded than before.  Keener sees the necessity of digging deeper into the biblical texts, the majority of them in their most original form, and interpreting it according to the context and culture in which these wisdom sayings were being proliferated to. 

I’ve been doing some thinking about attending a different church and/or denomination.  I’ve not done this yet, because I want to reconcile with my church family.  There are still a few difficulties there and that makes it hard to attend.  Keener cites several examples of how divorced people have “wisely” sought fellowship in other denominations.  It might be wise to consider other options in hopes of finding a safer place to worship.  I am not sure, but felt it was worth mentioning.

Keener mentions the Matthew 5 passages about divorce and remarriage.  He says “these teachings are not primarily rules to be enforced by the church.  They function especially as an end-time summons to repentance and as a call to live a lifestyle that opposes anger, lust, divorce, falsehood and so on” (24).  He also cites that “this passage clearly permits the innocent party in a divorce to remarry” (33).  Keener does touch on “psychological abuse” briefly, but I would have liked to know more biblical background for that reason for divorce.  I feel because of what I’d term as emotional and verbal abuse, that I am an “innocent party” in that had that not been going on, I would have NEVER chosen this path for my life.  So I chose to read Keeners book with that definition in mind when I read “innocent party”. 

It’s not so much that I need to find scripture to agree with me, though it is nice when it happens.  But I wanted to have a more in depth look at what the bible says about these passages.  I have felt the need to be armed with the Word in these areas for when Christians want to have a “conversation” with me about it.  I want to be ready to give an answer.  And I am open to remarriage at some point, but I know that I still have some ground to cover before that happens for me.  Part of that is having a good working knowledge of biblical texts regarding this topic to help me lay a good foundation for my future, based on God’s truth and my interaction with Him in regards to that, rather than allowing other people and denominations put me into bondage while devaluing me with their misinterpretations of these texts.   

Life Collage

One form of "Art Therapy" is to make a collage. I have a friend who, when she was staying in a psych ward for a time, had made several different-themed collages to represent the different things about herself. There were dark parts, and happy parts. Contemplative parts. Wishes for the future parts.

At that time, oh, about 2002-ish? I was a new Christian, I had started going to counseling, and I had started studying Theophostic Ministry (http://www.theophostic.com/). After a conference I went to with other friends who were studying it, I felt very inspired. I had so much going on in my life, troubled marriage, son being bullied at school, unpacking memories of being abused as a kid, my own parent's divorce and how that had also impacted me. I was so unhappy, yet I was also very happy because I had found Jesus, and I knew that even though everything else seemed to be going to shit, at least I knew HE loved me. I had many dreams and aspirations that I just couldn't seem to attain. I was spinning my wheels, yet I still had much hope. I needed a tangible way to express it all.

So I bought a 4ft by 8ft piece of plywood. And I made a collage on it. LOL

I started telling my story with pictures and words cut out of magazines, and "Our Daily Bread". I began on the left, where there was anger, denial, pain, sorrow. I had a bridge from the word "pain" to the word "hope" which moved into finding God, and getting counseling, and making new friends. I had an area about being married "Will my marriage last?" was one of the quotes. That all moved into finding answers from God to many of my painful memories that I worked through in counseling. These answers set me free inside, brought me inner peace, even though my home life was less than peaceful, and didn't feel very safe. On the far right, this was for ideas of where I wanted to go in life. I had the words "freedom" and "peace" and "love" sprinkled among pictures of happy couples, and women singing, and moms cuddling with their children. I had lots of scriptures that spoke into all of these various thoughts. The one that stands out for me the most is: Joel 2:25 - "I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten." It did kinda feel like bit by bit, parts of my life, my self, had been eaten away. But here was a promise from God, that He would see to it that I was restored.

I didn't know how he would restore me. I often prayed for a "new husband". I didn't know if God would do a new thing in my current husband, or send a completely new person into my life. He gave me that answer after my ex moved out. Isaiah 43:18: "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." It certainly did feel like my life was one big wasteland. And it was hard to imagine how it would be restored.

So anyways, I'm back into Hulk Hogan's book "My Life Outside the Ring". There is much that he experienced in his marriage that I can resonate with. But around the time when he was at his lowest point, someone gave him the book "The Secret". Which is kinda funny, cuz I have given books away like that too. He writes about how he learned from that book, and a few other books after that, how your own thinking is what propels you in a certain direction. If you're wallowing around asking why is this happening to me... well, you're just gonna keep on going in that negative direction and keep on feeling sorry for yourself, and never move forward. He wrote about the laws of attraction, "If all you think about is how grateful you are to live this amazing life filled with wealth and happiness of every kind? Well, that life of wealth and happiness can be yours. It might take a long time to get there, but it's coming."

That's when it clicked for me, that the collage I made all those years ago, that was me. "It may take some time to get there, but it's coming." "See I'm doing a new thing, making a way in the wilderness" "Restoring what the locusts have eaten." It's like, today, I see that collage as having a huge impact on breaking the power of the negativity I was living in. Like a declaration of independence, a declaration of my life's direction, in spite of the locusts chewing away, the demons of the past and present, pulling me down, those unseen forces that hold onto you, the unseen walls that keep you trapped. If you imagine Hulk Hogan, punching a hole in a brick wall, that's what this collage kinda did, it punched a hole in the wall, and sent the scavengers scattering.

There were other things that punched holes in the walls, and a lot of them have tumbled down. But that quote from Hulk about the laws of attraction from "The Secret", that just opened up a whole bunch of thoughts and realizations about my life and the things that had an impact on it, even though I didn't know the magnitude of the impact at the time.

And now, I'm off to cuddle with my daughter and watch another Princess movie. She is sick, and we've already watched 4 movies in the last couple of days. It's a princess marathon, and she is my princess. My life is taking the form of the images I had glued onto the plywood of my future. I envisioned it, I prayed for it, it took a while, but it's here. :)

Dear Ex-Husband

Dear Ex Husband,

*Content removed of my own free will.  No one is MAKING me remove it.  :)

The Hearing Part B

Video Blog - Book Review Chapter Six - Breakup Book

May 25th, 2010

Divorce Court Hearing Today

There is a hearing today that I must attend.

Previous to this, I was cross examined by the Respondent's attorney, who was sarcastic and verbally abusive. I guess his job is to work for the Respondent (my ex-husband) and do his bidding.

The cool thing is that whilst I was being verbally bludgeoned, the said Respondent stared at the floor. He would not meet my gaze. This tells me that he is carrying some shame in some form, and well, that he is also a coward... therefore I WIN!

People who are abusive (in my case, he was verbally and emotionally abusive) tend to be cowards. They use abusive techniques to get what they want, which is complete control over a situation or person. They are so afraid that if they relinquish some of that control and relax that something bad will happen to them. But what ends up happening, is that they suffocate the relationship with that person. They end up losing control of the very thing they were trying so hard to control.

So, I shall go to court today, and I shall look FAB. I have a couple of new professional looking outfits that I purchased because I knew I would be attending court at least a few times to finalize my divorce already. I shall hold my head up high. I won't need to be cross examined, but I'll probably have to hear things about me that have been twisted and manipulated to shed a negative light on me. So be it.

I used to live with this bully. I survived that. I shall EASILY survive this as well. I refuse to be bullied anymore. I'm not "taking him to the cleaners" but I'm also not going to lay down and die and let him keep everything. I am just asking for what the law says I'm entitled to have. No more, no less.

I feel a bit nervous, but I also feel empowered. :)

I have a video blog in the works for the book review, and I may also do a video blog to update y'all on what happened today. Thanks for listening! :)

Video Blog - Book Review Chapter Three - Breakup Book

Video Blog - Book Review Chapter One - Breakup Book

I just realized that tomorrow is my wedding anniversary. My ex-husband and I were married May 17th, 1997. Wow... 13 years? sheesh... I felt wonky here and there today and I thought it was exbf stuff, and it probably is to a degree, but I think that anniversary dates can add old pain onto already existing, current pain...

I am so sleepy! I used to be such a night owl, and then I'd sleep in... but here I am, out of college for the summer, and I'm STILL waking up most days at 6:30 am!!! ugg.. As soon as this video is done being processed, I am hitting the sack, man. I got alot of gardening to do tomorrow! :D

Oh... speaking of gardening, my daughter wants to turn her old sandbox into a veggie garden! I picked up a new wheelbarrow today, so then I can have some soil delivered and can haul it around the yard to where it needs to go. It should be such fun. :D