Wounded Heart - Book Review

This is a book review that I wrote back in February of 2009.  :)

Wounded Hearts

Abuse is one of those topics that has a wide range of variables.  We've all seen the movies, the documentaries, the news photos that portray abuse.  Society has made great strides in creating awareness, which has probably helped many people.  Movies like The Burning Bed and A Cry For Help: The Tracy Thurman Story have helped facilitate reform in how abuse cases are handled.  However, it seems nearly impossible to find like media on abuse topics that don't include physical/sexual abuse.  Perhaps it is because, although devastating in many ways, more subtle forms of abuse just don't make the headlines, and therefore, are not considered movie-worthy.

Emotional/mental abuse and manipulation may not always be accompanied by physical and/or sexual abuse, but you can be sure that physical and sexual abuse is ALWAYS accompanied by emotional and mental abuse.  In “The Burning Bed”, Francine's mother tells her, “Lots of women, have to put up with their men, especially if there's children.  But mostly the men don't mean it.  If you make a hard bed, then you have to lay in it.  It's his baby too.  I know he's jealous but that's only natural.  It's your duty to stand by him.  Francine, he loves you.  It's really not so bad, is it?”  This is an example of a nonoffending parent that Allender mentions in his book “The Wounded Heart.”  (Allender 234)  An educated guess might say that Francine grew up either receiving or witnessing some kind of abuse in her childhood, her mother enabling the abuser to continue the abuse.  Now here is her daughter in the midst of suffering severe abuse, and her mother is again, enabling the abuser, minimizing his actions, making Francine responsible for the abuser's behavior.  “Many women who have been abused end up in tragic relationships in which they are revictimized” (Allender 80).  Personal experience affirms that this is quite true. 

When a person is being victimized, it can be very difficult to know where to turn for help.  Francine found it difficult to find any kind of help.  She first tried to get help from Mickey's parents, but they were also a typical nonoffending party to the abuse, like her mother.  The law has changed since this all took place, but at the time, she had no recourse.  The law, social services, she tried everything, but no one could, or would, help her.  It was similar in the movie, “A Cry For Help.”  The sweet thing was that in this case, Tracy (the battered wife) was later able to take on the police dept. in a court of law for their negligence; and she won.  When it is so difficult to get help, even though you are covered in cuts and bruises, what recourse is there for those who are suffering from emotional/mental abuse?  It's difficult to prosecute someone for bruising your heart, belittling your creativity, and battering your personhood.  “Sexually [and I would add emotionally] abusive words produce the same damage as sexually [and physically] abusive contact.  Yet the potential for minimization or feeling weird for being damaged makes the potential for change even more difficult for those more subtly abused than for those more severely abused” (Allender 49, italics mine).  No one can really measure the toll that emotional abuse takes on the soul.  Only the Lord truly knows the extent of the damage. 

I found it quite amazing that Francine continued to exhibit her bravery and her desire for a life that was better than it was with Mickey.  Perhaps I am amazed because I am still minimizing my own experience.  My desire for not just a better life, but a desire to live rather than be the walking dead, created, or rather, exposed the mess that my life really was.  “Many abuse victims begin the process of repentance, without even realizing it, when they acknowledge hurt and sadness in current relationships” (Allender 205).  Acknowledging that things aren't the way they are supposed to be, and that I've already done everything I can think of and there's nothing additional to utilize is very frustrating.  Allender encapsulates these feelings when he writes: “At first, failure to achieve our desired end will elicit careful scrutiny (What can I do better?) and resumed commitment (How can I try harder?).  Success may be achieved – straight A's, an athletic scholarship, perfect Sunday school attendance – but the real goal – a happy family, an end to abuse, or relief from the pain – is always out of reach.  The natural result will be a severe (and likely contemptuous) question as to what is wrong with us.  “Why cant I run faster, or sing better, or be more perfect?”  The self-doubt opens the door to despair” (Allender 110).  And lo, what an awful despair that is!  However, the benefit of that has been that when you are as low as you can possibly be, and there's nothing left to try, you realize that you can only go up from there, or die.  “If the victim wants to live free of the pain, then she must choose not to be alive” (Allender 109).  There were lots of little “deaths” along the way for me, but my big “death experience” happened in 2007, where I was a zombie for three months.  In the third month it dawned on me, that this was certainly not the way I wanted to live my life anymore.  I needed to get better so I could make some hard choices about the direction of my life.  No one was going to do it for me (or with me), I had to make the choice to move forward, whether moving forward was pretty or not. 

Creating and enforcing healthy boundaries is essential for the abuse survivor.  However it can be difficult to do this when personal boundaries have not been respected in the past.  And the people you are setting the boundary against often react badly when they lose control of an area they previously had total control in.  When an abusive person comes face to face with the light of truth (that they are being abusive and it is no longer okay), “evil must flee or be transformed” (Allender 221).  When my former husband was faced with this choice, he did not choose transformation.  But, Allender writes, “If a husband will not pursue counseling with his wife, the wife can still benefit from a counselor who will help her explore what it means to love a man who will not involve himself in the process of change” (Allender 224).  I did spend quite a few years in this exact spot.  It's not easy to break away from an abusive relationship, as Francine Hughes and Tracy Thurman can attest to, but it is sometimes essential to save your own life, to find the abundance that God has waiting.  “Regardless of whether or not the marital relationship improves or disintegrates, the victim's passion for life will increase.  Her tears will be deeper and her laughter will be richer.  Ultimately, living out honesty, repentance, and bold love will draw her good heart toward the Author of life and His character qualities will become hers” (Allender 225).  When you no longer have to hold your breath when you hear his car in the driveway, or count the “cost” of buying yourself an inexpensive bottle of perfume, you begin to finally find the rest and peace you so longed to have in the marriage.  Air smells sweeter, more laughter escapes from your throat, and things start to really come alive once you've been released from the protection-tomb of your own making.  I am grateful that I didn't have to burn my husband in his bed to finally break away and find life again. 

Bold love is a difficult thing to accomplish for many people, myself included.  Allender has many freedom-producing points about boldly loving the capital-A abuser(s) in your life.  He points to 2 Thesselonians 3:14-15, which states, “If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter, take special note of him.  Do not associate with him, in order that he may feel ashamed.  Yet do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother.”  “This form of excommunication is actually a gift,” Allender explains, “a respectful choice to honor the abuser with the consequences of his own destructive choice, in the hope that loneliness and shame will draw his cold heart back to the fire of relationship” (Allender 228).  It took a long time for me to realize that it was also biblically okay to separate from my husband, and that it was actually loving him to do so.  “A refusal to normalize a wicked relationship is a gift of excommunication that waits for the sinner's return but does not offer deep relationship until he acknowledges and deals with his sin.  The offer of restored relationship ... in honest, open-hearted kindness, is living out the gospel, even if the offer is spurned and condemned” (Allender 229).  “The Lord tells us to “forgive, if he repents,” making restoration of relationship conditional on the response of the offender” (Allender 230 – see also Luke 17:3).  These passages from Allender are very affirming, yet painful. 

Though it may seem less painful to live life in a deadened state, being fully alive in life has brought more blessing than pain.  Pain tells us when there is something wrong so we can pay attention to it and remedy the problem.  We need pain.  When pain is ignored, it spreads, like leprosy.  But, if the painful truth can be faced, processed and dealt with, it can prevent the pain from infecting others.  Those who ignore pain are also deadened to the pain of their children and the pain of their spouse.  Facing the pain in my life has set me free.  “The freedom, to make difficult and unpopular choices is exhilarating.  Such freedom enables the heart to live a bold, value-controlled verses a frightened, people-dependent life.  The capacity to act on conviction instead of fear enlivens the soul and allows it to soar above the petty attacks and jealousies of a fallen world” (Allender 181). 

“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36).

Supportive Resources

Ok, so in this post, I am adding the things that were helpful in my journey towards leaving my abusive husband and after having left him, also losing the support of my church family.

1. The biggest help was Theophostic Ministy.  I am trained in this, and my counselor was trained in it also.  I dealt with a lot of hurt and pain from my past that kept me in fear and bondage to the ways my husband was relating to me.  Once I was able to allow Jesus to help me look at the stuff from my past that was hindering me, and allowing people to treat me poorly, it was easier to deal more appropriately with the more current stuff that was happening with me and my husband.  This website will direct you to a list of people who can help you in this way.  It really helped me.  

2. A Social Worker.  You can ask your family doctor about where to find a social worker to talk to.  They are trained to help families, and can give good counsel, as well as provide options for you, as well as supportive resources in your area.  Because of the gal who helped me, I am now training to become a social worker.  :)

3.  Put a local crisis number in your cell phone for easy access.  Depending on how controlling your hubby is, you may need to put it under another name.

4.  Have a place or two where you know you can go if you need to be safe.  I had some friends who offered to be those places for me.  At the time, I also had a key to my church, and this one night when my husband flew into a rage, I left the house, and locked myself in the church after midnight for a couple of hours and called a crisis line and just talked to someone for a while.

5.  Divorce Care.  This really helped me a LOT.  It's a Christian based program to help individuals understand and cope with the fallout of separation and divorce.  If you're only getting separated, don't be afraid to utilize this helpful program!  It still applies!  :)   They also have a really great devotional book that takes you through a whole year!  You can get it in paperback, or online HERE.


6.  Got kids?  Here are some supports for them!
     
 I took my daughter to the DC4K classes while I attended the adult Divorce Care classes, and man, that really helped alot, for both of us.  :)  It comes with a booklet, and they have snacks and games, but also sharing and stuff.  Admittedly, the vids they use are quite corney, so the kids may do some eye rolling, but, it does educate them about divorce, and reassures them about God loving them, and their parents love them, and it's not their fault and all that.  DC4K

7.  Books, I love books!  Education has been such a helpful thing in my journey through divorce.  Here are a few that have helped me understand how I can be divorced AND a Christian at the same time.  LOL  (Really, it can be done!)

While this book mainly focuses on abuse that happened in childhood, there was definitely a lot that applied to the current situation with my husband in understanding what abuse is, and what the perpetrators of abuse are like, and why, and how it affects a person and why, and how to set boundaries with that.

  This book was really helpful because I found the "biblical" evidence I needed to feel like leaving my husband was ok.  Up till then, it was hard to reconcile the idea of it in my mind...

  I haven't read the whole book, but what I did read really revolutionized some of my thinking.  When I first learned about it in bible college, in a counseling class there, I burst out crying because it was biblical stuff that I NEEDED to know 8 years previously!  Had I learned these things from the pulpit, perhaps I would have left the marriage sooner, rather than trying to carry my cross, martyring myself over and over in a bad situation!

Here is the book review:
IF CHRIST HAD PRACTICED THE KIND OF LOVE WE ADVOCATE NOWADAYS, HE WOULD HAVE LIVED TO A RIPE OLD AGE. We've come to view love as being nice. Forgiving and forgetting. Yielding to the desires of others. Yet the kind of love modeled by Jesus Christ has nothing to do with manners or unconditional acceptance. Rather, it is shrewd. Disruptive. Courageous. And, as a result, socially unacceptable. In Bold Love, Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman III draw out the aggressive, unrelenting, passionate power of genuine love. Far from helping you "get along" with others, Bold Love introduces the outlandish possibility of making a significant, life-changing impact on family, friends, coworkers-even your enemies. "Bold love is anything by passive," writes Dr. Allender. "It is unpredictable, cunning, and creative. It is a violation of the natural order of things. In many cases it will unnerve, offend, disturb, or even hurt those who are being loved. But in the end it will also compel them to deal with the internal disease that is robbing them (and others) of true beauty." So if it feels like you've turned the other cheek so many times your head is spinning, it's probably time to take a second look at your practice of love. Because there's nothing redemptive about a love that just accepts people for who they are.


Now that's what I'm talking about!!!  :D  


So, it's really ok to allow someone, like, say, your husband, to experience and endure the consequences of being a shitty individual to you.  Really it's ok.  Remember he CHOSE to be shitty.  :)


  I did a book report on this book for the "Marriage and Family" class I took in Bible college.  I was the only divorced person in the class, as you can imagine.  LOL  It was very good.  This author is one of the top 5 biblical scholar authors that were recommended to us when doing a research assignment at Bible college.  It was quite enlightening.  :)

  This helps you understand WHY you might be addicted to trying to make that marriage work.  We can all get addicted to things, and I certainly was addicted in that way, and this book helped me to see it.  :)

There are so many good books out there.  But this will get you started with something.  It's not easy to be a Christian and then try to get yourself out of a bad marriage.  It's really hard, I know.  But there are lots of us out there!  And if you have any questions about anything, please feel free to ask.  I have a BA in counseling from a bible college, and I am also studying to be a social worker.  I am 42, I have 2 teenagers, and I'm no longer a doormat, because I am no longer afraid.  If I don't know the answer, I know where to find it.  Ok.

Hang in there!  And I leave you with one last book... which I feel is kinda poignant...

   Bitch:  In Praise of Difficult Women.  Cuz, it's really ok to be labelled as "difficult".  (See Dan Allender's "Bold Love" book.  LOL)

Time for Counsel?

I am talking too much. Its not not the talking that is bad, its the content.

I realized the other day that I really can't stop talking about the ex. I've been trying to set aside the anger, but you know what's under that, right? Fucking pain. I thought I was getting over it until last year when my son revealed that his dad had hit him in the leg. I just decided to allow myself to HATE that man. It felt great to finally unleash my venom for a while. It was good in some ways. You think you can threaten to stop paying me? Fuck you, now you're on maintenance enforcement and will go to fucking jail if you do that. You think you can hit our son and get away with it? Fuck you, sent you an official letter threatening to get authorities involved if you don't straighten up. I was just tired of the bullying, and I fought back a little. Enough is enough.

But then my honey helped me realize that i was devoting way too much energy into hating this dickhead. So I've been trying to still stand my ground, peacefully, and redirect the energy towards more positive things, like my most important relationships with my boyfriend, my kids, and focus on school and such.

I made friends with a lady in one of my classes, and we were chatting and suddenly, I realized that I was once again monopolizing the conversation with crap about the ex. I said to her, I think I better look into WHY I still feel driven to talk about this so much. Obviously I'm not "over" this like I think I should be. Argh"

Then I went to church today, and got aggravated there too. I didn't go to "my" church. But still. I found myself reeling and writing a rant about it, and later in the day, I had an anxiety attack, wth heart palpatations, crying, and nausea. It's not just the church stuff tho, it's an accumulation of crap. It just makes me so angry, but again, under the anger is pain. Lots of it.

The ex is gonna try to make us sell the house. He wants money, but moreso, he wants to disrupt our lives, and make it hard for me. He doesn't give a rats ass about the kids... or me. How could I have stayed with a man like that for 15 years? He was getting meaner and meaner. I'm still perplexed at how smeone who knows me so well, could hate me so much. I hate the guy too, but not all the time. For my own sake I try to see the good so I can let it go. I think if he died, or if I never had to see him again, at all, ever, or ever hear from him or about him, maybe I could move on. But every thing he does, and the way he does it, communicates in this sinister way how much he fucking hates me. I'm a strong person, but I'm not a stone! It hurts... alot.

So, today I pulled out all the stops. I contacted 3 individuals. The first one was one of my professors at bible college. He was also the school counselor. I got to know him well and I trust him. Then there is a social worker whose office is nearby. My son and I saw her a few years back when the marriage was falling apart. She really helped me see a few things, helped me put together some of the puzzle pieces that I hadn't been able to see. Then there is someone new. One of my current professors recommended her to me in email tonight, so I just emailed her too.

I just spent a lot of time crying today, and feeling like crap because of feeling emotionally unstable. But I took a lorazapam and watched a movie, so I'm calm once again and can think clearly. For the moment. But I know that I need to dig a little deeper than that so I can get some of that crap off of my shoulders for good, and build myself back up again.

Even my honey says that while I'm the youngest looking 41 year old he knows, I tend to look my age when I'm stressed. He's right.... He's great to talk to, has good insight, but I think I need other perspectives to help me get there.

I need to drop off some of my baggage, and perhaps shed some tears. It's something I haven't done in a LONG time. It's time...

Video Blog - Book Review Chapter Eight - Breakup Book