Supportive Resources

Ok, so in this post, I am adding the things that were helpful in my journey towards leaving my abusive husband and after having left him, also losing the support of my church family.

1. The biggest help was Theophostic Ministy.  I am trained in this, and my counselor was trained in it also.  I dealt with a lot of hurt and pain from my past that kept me in fear and bondage to the ways my husband was relating to me.  Once I was able to allow Jesus to help me look at the stuff from my past that was hindering me, and allowing people to treat me poorly, it was easier to deal more appropriately with the more current stuff that was happening with me and my husband.  This website will direct you to a list of people who can help you in this way.  It really helped me.  

2. A Social Worker.  You can ask your family doctor about where to find a social worker to talk to.  They are trained to help families, and can give good counsel, as well as provide options for you, as well as supportive resources in your area.  Because of the gal who helped me, I am now training to become a social worker.  :)

3.  Put a local crisis number in your cell phone for easy access.  Depending on how controlling your hubby is, you may need to put it under another name.

4.  Have a place or two where you know you can go if you need to be safe.  I had some friends who offered to be those places for me.  At the time, I also had a key to my church, and this one night when my husband flew into a rage, I left the house, and locked myself in the church after midnight for a couple of hours and called a crisis line and just talked to someone for a while.

5.  Divorce Care.  This really helped me a LOT.  It's a Christian based program to help individuals understand and cope with the fallout of separation and divorce.  If you're only getting separated, don't be afraid to utilize this helpful program!  It still applies!  :)   They also have a really great devotional book that takes you through a whole year!  You can get it in paperback, or online HERE.


6.  Got kids?  Here are some supports for them!
     
 I took my daughter to the DC4K classes while I attended the adult Divorce Care classes, and man, that really helped alot, for both of us.  :)  It comes with a booklet, and they have snacks and games, but also sharing and stuff.  Admittedly, the vids they use are quite corney, so the kids may do some eye rolling, but, it does educate them about divorce, and reassures them about God loving them, and their parents love them, and it's not their fault and all that.  DC4K

7.  Books, I love books!  Education has been such a helpful thing in my journey through divorce.  Here are a few that have helped me understand how I can be divorced AND a Christian at the same time.  LOL  (Really, it can be done!)

While this book mainly focuses on abuse that happened in childhood, there was definitely a lot that applied to the current situation with my husband in understanding what abuse is, and what the perpetrators of abuse are like, and why, and how it affects a person and why, and how to set boundaries with that.

  This book was really helpful because I found the "biblical" evidence I needed to feel like leaving my husband was ok.  Up till then, it was hard to reconcile the idea of it in my mind...

  I haven't read the whole book, but what I did read really revolutionized some of my thinking.  When I first learned about it in bible college, in a counseling class there, I burst out crying because it was biblical stuff that I NEEDED to know 8 years previously!  Had I learned these things from the pulpit, perhaps I would have left the marriage sooner, rather than trying to carry my cross, martyring myself over and over in a bad situation!

Here is the book review:
IF CHRIST HAD PRACTICED THE KIND OF LOVE WE ADVOCATE NOWADAYS, HE WOULD HAVE LIVED TO A RIPE OLD AGE. We've come to view love as being nice. Forgiving and forgetting. Yielding to the desires of others. Yet the kind of love modeled by Jesus Christ has nothing to do with manners or unconditional acceptance. Rather, it is shrewd. Disruptive. Courageous. And, as a result, socially unacceptable. In Bold Love, Dr. Dan Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman III draw out the aggressive, unrelenting, passionate power of genuine love. Far from helping you "get along" with others, Bold Love introduces the outlandish possibility of making a significant, life-changing impact on family, friends, coworkers-even your enemies. "Bold love is anything by passive," writes Dr. Allender. "It is unpredictable, cunning, and creative. It is a violation of the natural order of things. In many cases it will unnerve, offend, disturb, or even hurt those who are being loved. But in the end it will also compel them to deal with the internal disease that is robbing them (and others) of true beauty." So if it feels like you've turned the other cheek so many times your head is spinning, it's probably time to take a second look at your practice of love. Because there's nothing redemptive about a love that just accepts people for who they are.


Now that's what I'm talking about!!!  :D  


So, it's really ok to allow someone, like, say, your husband, to experience and endure the consequences of being a shitty individual to you.  Really it's ok.  Remember he CHOSE to be shitty.  :)


  I did a book report on this book for the "Marriage and Family" class I took in Bible college.  I was the only divorced person in the class, as you can imagine.  LOL  It was very good.  This author is one of the top 5 biblical scholar authors that were recommended to us when doing a research assignment at Bible college.  It was quite enlightening.  :)

  This helps you understand WHY you might be addicted to trying to make that marriage work.  We can all get addicted to things, and I certainly was addicted in that way, and this book helped me to see it.  :)

There are so many good books out there.  But this will get you started with something.  It's not easy to be a Christian and then try to get yourself out of a bad marriage.  It's really hard, I know.  But there are lots of us out there!  And if you have any questions about anything, please feel free to ask.  I have a BA in counseling from a bible college, and I am also studying to be a social worker.  I am 42, I have 2 teenagers, and I'm no longer a doormat, because I am no longer afraid.  If I don't know the answer, I know where to find it.  Ok.

Hang in there!  And I leave you with one last book... which I feel is kinda poignant...

   Bitch:  In Praise of Difficult Women.  Cuz, it's really ok to be labelled as "difficult".  (See Dan Allender's "Bold Love" book.  LOL)

Stress Reduction

I nearly gave away the family dog today. Seriously...

Picture #1 - This is Daisy sleeping beside my leg with her legs in the air. LOL

Picture #2 - This is me with a migraine headache, and Daisy is keeping me company.

Picture #3 - This is Daisy begging for help to get onto my daughter's bed.

First reason:

When I was a kid growing up, we lived in a lot of filth. Mom was (is) a hoarder. Add to that all of the various pets we've had over the years, and it was really awful. I love my mom and she has tons of great qualities. She cares about people, and she is very generous to name a couple. But this is an area where she struggles. Always has and probably always will. I understand it to be a type of illness, rather than a personality trait. Sufficed to say that, while living in that situation, there was lots of stuff, and lots of animal "waste" about the house. This kind of thing makes my brain short circuit, perhaps more than the average person, because it's SO triggering when I have an animal who makes the occasional mess. So this dog, she has been making messes in my room. And I completely renovated my room, new paint, new laminate flooring in place of the carpet. She seems to be drawn to carpet, but even if she does mess on my floor, I can at least clean it sufficiently. *sigh* .

Second reason:

The dog belongs to my 13 year old daughter. She has not been helping with the dog in quite some time. It's apparently "gross" to clean up after her. She is happy to allow me (the one who is triggered my animal waste, so I clean it up fast) to clean it for her. I am happy to take care of the dog on the weekends when she is at her dad's, but I feel that she needs to be on top of letting her out, and all the rest.

Third reason:

My personal stress levels are quite high, but they are manageable most of the time. I shoulder much - no ALL of the responsibility for things here. Even if I am not doing the dishes, I still delegate that work to the kids. So, if I ask a kid to do their chore, and they resist, that stresses me. So much so that if I am already stressed, I won't bother even asking because I don't want to deal with the argument that ensues. Add to that paying bills on time, attending University, house and yard care, feeding kids, clothing them, making sure they are doing ok in school and otherwise. Then there is still the pending divorce which isn't finished yet... it all adds up.

Something's gotta give.

So I had a talk with both of my kids and my niece. They never realize how much stress I have because I'm good at managing it. But it doesn't take much to push those levels into the red.

So, we're keeping the dog (for now) on a trial basis. I am keeping the number of the lady I found to give her a new home in case I change my mind.

My son wants money to drive here and there and I said no. If he wants money, I would definately love to give him money, if he becomes more helpful in reducing my stress. Taking the garbage out would be one of those things, for example. He has the choice: be more helpful and I'll throw a little cash his way. Do nothing and I give nothing. He can either work for me, or get a job, but I am not going to just supply him with cash willy nilly.

I find it stressful to take a stand. But sometimes knowing that doing nothing is going to be more stressful is enough motivation to take that stand. LOL

Hopefully this will help. And in the meantime, life marches on. :D

Crying Over Yesterday - Tips for Euthenizing a Pet

Video Blog - at Hecla Island

Well, for whatever reason, the internet is working better late at night at this hotel. This video was much more creativity to it, and isn't SO sad like the last one!

I just want to say thanks for listening to me blather on, because you have basically become my surrogate "boyfriend", since I used to talk to him all the time, well, until he stopped talking to me, forcing me to eventually (after 4 months) break up with him. So thanks! lol If you have questions, please feel free to ask, I will do my best to answer. Although, currently, I have no followers... but I am new at this. I may never have followers, but that's ok, at least I am able to accomplish what I have set out to do and that is go 60 DAYS of no contact with him.

Will keep y'all informed of what transpires. I mean, he could call... right?... Course... that isn't the kind of thinking that is going to help me grow beyond this, is it? Nope... *sigh*

Video Blog - Sad About the Breakup

Please note that I have minimal experience vlogging, so this will probably be kinda boring. But I'm doing this mostly for me, to get me through this rough patch after breaking up with my boyfriend. I really am a lot more fun than this normally... lol