Wounded Hearts
Abuse is one of those topics that has a wide range of
variables. We've all seen the movies,
the documentaries, the news photos that portray abuse. Society has made great strides in creating
awareness, which has probably helped many people. Movies like The Burning Bed and A
Cry For Help: The Tracy Thurman Story have helped facilitate reform in how
abuse cases are handled. However, it
seems nearly impossible to find like media on abuse topics that don't include
physical/sexual abuse. Perhaps it is
because, although devastating in many ways, more subtle forms of abuse just
don't make the headlines, and therefore, are not considered movie-worthy.
Emotional/mental abuse and manipulation may not always be
accompanied by physical and/or sexual abuse, but you can be sure that physical
and sexual abuse is ALWAYS accompanied by emotional and mental abuse. In “The Burning Bed”, Francine's mother tells
her, “Lots of women, have to put up with their men, especially if there's
children. But mostly the men don't mean
it. If you make a hard bed, then you
have to lay in it. It's his baby
too. I know he's jealous but that's only
natural. It's your duty to stand by
him. Francine, he loves you. It's really not so bad, is it?” This is an example of a nonoffending parent
that Allender mentions in his book “The Wounded Heart.” (Allender 234) An educated guess might say that Francine
grew up either receiving or witnessing some kind of abuse in her childhood, her
mother enabling the abuser to continue the abuse. Now here is her daughter in the midst of
suffering severe abuse, and her mother is again, enabling the abuser,
minimizing his actions, making Francine responsible for the abuser's behavior. “Many women who have
been abused end up in tragic relationships in which they are revictimized”
(Allender 80). Personal experience
affirms that this is quite true.
When a person is being victimized, it can be
very difficult to know where to turn for help.
Francine found it difficult to find any kind of help. She first tried to get help from Mickey's
parents, but they were also a typical nonoffending party to the abuse, like her
mother. The law has changed since this
all took place, but at the time, she had no recourse. The law, social services, she tried
everything, but no one could, or would, help her. It was similar in the movie, “A Cry For
Help.” The sweet thing was that in this
case, Tracy (the battered wife) was later able to take on the police dept. in a
court of law for their negligence; and she won.
When it is so difficult to get help, even though you are covered in cuts
and bruises, what recourse is there for those who are suffering from
emotional/mental abuse? It's difficult
to prosecute someone for bruising your heart, belittling your creativity, and
battering your personhood. “Sexually [and
I would add emotionally] abusive words produce the same damage as sexually
[and physically] abusive contact.
Yet the potential for minimization or feeling weird for being damaged
makes the potential for change even more difficult for those more subtly abused
than for those more severely abused” (Allender 49, italics mine). No one can really measure the toll that
emotional abuse takes on the soul. Only
the Lord truly knows the extent of the damage.
I found it quite amazing that Francine continued
to exhibit her bravery and her desire for a life that was better than it was
with Mickey. Perhaps I am amazed because
I am still minimizing my own experience.
My desire for not just a better life, but a desire to live rather than be
the walking dead, created, or rather, exposed the mess that my life
really was. “Many abuse victims begin
the process of repentance, without even realizing it, when they acknowledge
hurt and sadness in current relationships” (Allender 205). Acknowledging that things aren't the way they
are supposed to be, and that I've already done everything I can think of and
there's nothing additional to utilize is very frustrating. Allender encapsulates these feelings when he
writes: “At first, failure to achieve our desired end will elicit careful scrutiny
(What can I do better?) and resumed commitment (How can I try harder?). Success may be achieved – straight A's, an
athletic scholarship, perfect Sunday school attendance – but the real goal – a
happy family, an end to abuse, or relief from the pain – is always out of
reach. The natural result will be a
severe (and likely contemptuous) question as to what is wrong with us. “Why cant I run faster, or sing better, or be
more perfect?” The self-doubt opens the
door to despair” (Allender 110). And lo,
what an awful despair that is! However,
the benefit of that has been that when you are as low as you can possibly be,
and there's nothing left to try, you realize that you can only go up from
there, or die. “If the victim wants to
live free of the pain, then she must choose not to be alive” (Allender
109). There were lots of little “deaths”
along the way for me, but my big “death experience” happened in 2007, where I
was a zombie for three months. In the
third month it dawned on me, that this was certainly not the way I wanted to
live my life anymore. I needed to get
better so I could make some hard choices about the direction of my life. No one was going to do it for me (or with
me), I had to make the choice to move forward, whether moving forward was
pretty or not.
Creating and enforcing healthy boundaries is
essential for the abuse survivor.
However it can be difficult to do this when personal boundaries have not
been respected in the past. And the
people you are setting the boundary against often react badly when they lose
control of an area they previously had total control in. When an abusive person comes face to face
with the light of truth (that they are being abusive and it is no longer okay),
“evil must flee or be transformed” (Allender 221). When my former husband was faced with this
choice, he did not choose transformation.
But, Allender writes, “If a husband will not pursue counseling with his
wife, the wife can still benefit from a counselor who will help her explore
what it means to love a man who will not involve himself in the process of
change” (Allender 224). I did spend
quite a few years in this exact spot.
It's not easy to break away from an abusive relationship, as Francine
Hughes and Tracy Thurman can attest to, but it is sometimes essential to save
your own life, to find the abundance that God has waiting. “Regardless of whether or not the marital
relationship improves or disintegrates, the victim's passion for life will
increase. Her tears will be deeper and
her laughter will be richer. Ultimately,
living out honesty, repentance, and bold love will draw her good heart toward
the Author of life and His character qualities will become hers” (Allender
225). When you no longer have to hold
your breath when you hear his car in the driveway, or count the “cost” of
buying yourself an inexpensive bottle of perfume, you begin to finally find the
rest and peace you so longed to have in the marriage. Air smells sweeter, more laughter escapes
from your throat, and things start to really come alive once you've been released
from the protection-tomb of your own making.
I am grateful that I didn't have to burn my husband in his bed to
finally break away and find life again.
Bold love is a difficult thing to accomplish for
many people, myself included. Allender
has many freedom-producing points about boldly loving the capital-A abuser(s)
in your life. He points to 2
Thesselonians 3:14-15, which states, “If anyone does not obey our instruction
in this letter, take special note of him.
Do not associate with him, in order that he may feel ashamed. Yet do not regard
him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother.”
“This form of excommunication is actually a gift,” Allender explains, “a
respectful choice to honor the abuser with the consequences of his own
destructive choice, in the hope that loneliness and shame will draw his cold
heart back to the fire of relationship” (Allender 228). It took a long time for me to realize that it
was also biblically okay to separate from my husband, and that it was
actually loving him to do so. “A refusal
to normalize a wicked relationship is a gift of excommunication that waits for
the sinner's return but does not offer deep relationship until he acknowledges
and deals with his sin. The offer of
restored relationship ... in honest, open-hearted kindness, is living out the
gospel, even if the offer is spurned and condemned” (Allender 229). “The Lord tells us to “forgive, if he
repents,” making restoration of relationship conditional on the response of the
offender” (Allender 230 – see also Luke 17:3).
These passages from Allender are very affirming, yet painful.
Though it may seem less painful to live life in
a deadened state, being fully alive in life has brought more blessing than
pain. Pain tells us when there is
something wrong so we can pay attention to it and remedy the problem. We need pain.
When pain is ignored, it spreads, like leprosy. But, if the painful truth can be faced,
processed and dealt with, it can prevent the pain from infecting others. Those who ignore pain are also deadened to
the pain of their children and the pain of their spouse. Facing the pain in my life has set me
free. “The freedom, to make difficult
and unpopular choices is exhilarating.
Such freedom enables the heart to live a bold, value-controlled verses a
frightened, people-dependent life. The
capacity to act on conviction instead of fear enlivens the soul and allows it
to soar above the petty attacks and jealousies of a fallen world” (Allender
181).
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed”
(John 8:36).
