Dread and Doom

Ok, it's not ALL dread and doom. It's just my anxiety acting up. And I'm out of wine, so, I guess I'll have to just deal.

The ex informed me that somehow he inadvertently overpaid me child support and now I owe him like 1500.00. It's not like him to overpay, so he's probably right. This apparently happened back in May. I don't recall it at all. But I also know that I was pretty out of it mentally and emotionally, because alot was going on for me - finishing my practicum and the abuse thing with my son. So yeah. Money came in, money went out. I dunno.

But at the moment, I am flat broke until I get my paycheque on friday. And the thought of having to miss out on child support for a whole month reeks. Plus I'm starting back to college, and I still haven't hammered out how I'm going to pay for it yet.

So yeah, anxiety is high at the moment. Uggggggggg

But hey, we gotta count our blessings, right? I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, and really we are doing great aside from those worries. And they will right themselves out, and we won't starve. And most of all, I know I am loved - by my kids and by my wonderful man, Keith. He just amazes me, really. :)

It's just... my boyfriend's birthday is coming up... and my son's... and I promised the kids I'd take them to the states for a day or 2 for back to school shopping. So, since I won't break my promises, I will do it on credit if I need to. *sigh* Just gotta be a bit more frugal for a bit I guess.

But honestly, if someone were to bring me some wine, I really would not mind. Really...

When school starts, and all my ducks are in a row, then I'll be able to relax...

Lousy Father

Whatever you do - DON'T MAKE IT A CAREER CHOICE! Just sayin'......

The cause of my Depression...

I figured out my depression problem - I think!

Aunt Flo is in town!

That really explains alot... shoulda known!''

Another reason to look forward to menopause.... LOL

And so, I have moved onto German Beer, and I'm giving myself a pedicure. :D

Wine

Long Flat Red Moscato. Sweeeeeet - literally.

I poured myself a glass, and my daughter said, "Something to ease the pain?" She was trying to be funny. But she was right, not that I admitted it. LOL

I've been having periods of depression over the last couple of weeks. I think it might be the fact that school starts up for me again in just a few weeks, and I'm not looking forward to the stress of that.

I've been stressed by the ex too. The stupid band camp fiasco. Then, I called him today to ask about switching weekends with him. The kids have a chance to work with me, to make $420, on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It's a great opportunity for them! He said he would think about it. He says he only has a couple of weeks left and then our son turns 18 and can do what he wants after that. I said, they are both old enough NOW to decide that actually, and they still choose to see you, so...

I'm not taking time away from him, I'm exchanging time. For the KIDS sake. He doesn't like to do anything that I ask or suggest. It's a control freak thing. This is nothing new.

I suppose I could exercise my "parent care and control" for the sake of the kids. And I may. We are EACH going to make $420 this weekend. Why would he want to stand in the way of that? And here I thought that "money talks" with him. Oh that's right, only if HE is making it, or if it was HIS idea, then it's a GOOD idea. Riiight...

Hey we got a great cage for the bird. We pick up the new bird tonight. Woo hooo!

But yeah, the wine... it takes the edge off. I have my degree in counseling, I know all about self-medicating. I know. But other than the ex (who still F-ing triggers me) and the upcoming school thing, I can't think of WHY I feel so depressed. I'm not sad, just lethargic, no energy, no motivation. Meh. Things are great with the boyfriend, with the kids, with work. All good.

Anyways, gotta run and grab some groceries, and then gotta pick up the bird later. So I can't have any more wine till later. LOL But I feel slightly better. It's no wonder people become alcoholics. Cuz it works to a degree... *sigh*

To My Audience

Hey wow, I just discovered that you can actually see how many hits you've gotten on your page and what countries those hits have come from. COOL! :) Here are the current stats to date:

AudienceRefresh Now Day Week Month All time 2009 May – 2011 August

Pageviews by Countries Canada 386 United States 109 United Kingdom 33 Russia 22 United Arab Emirates 20 Netherlands 16 Brazil 15 Japan 11 Germany 10 Romania 10

Thanks everyone! Please feel free to comment, I'd love to hear from you! :D

Cheers from Canada!

Blu

This is Blu, our little budgie boy. We love him. <3

Really? - Douchie Women

I knew a guy who's wife had a gambling problem. He didn't know about it, not for a long while. She offered to keep track of the bills, and he was like, great, right on. It wasn't until much later, that he realized she has also spent all of his life savings, that she had maxed out several credit cards, and was several months in arrears on their bills.

Really?

talk about cutting your family off at the knees.

She never had money for anything, but she would beat the crap out of him in order to get 10 or 20 bucks to buy cigarettes.

Really?

He resorted to hiding cash in deoderant containers, and other such sneaky hiding places... and then he'd hide it either in plain sight, or squirrel it away in the suspended ceiling in the basement. When she got desperate, she would rip the house apart looking for money he had hidden. Rip it apart.

Really?

Get help you douchie woman.

______________________________________________________

I know a guy who is a really good father. But his douchie ex allows her equally douchie husband take priority in her kids lives. So the kids had to spent Father's day with their step dad, not their dad.

Really?

She lied to him, saying they were going to HER dad's for Father's day.

Really...

________________________________________________________

I know a guy who lived with a woman for a time (not sure how long). He stored all his tools in the garage there. But then things didn't work out. He moved out. ANd when he went back for his tools, they were GONE. All of them. She said she didn't know what happened to them. Someone probably stole them. But, she would not file this loss with her house insurance so that he could get some more tools. Tools which were once used to supplement his income.

Really? My thinking is that she wouldn't file the report because she SOLD the tools. But how are ya gonna prove that?

____________________________________________________________

People are just mean sometimes, and they don't play fair. It's just not right. May I never be one of those...

Really? - Douchie Men

I have a friend who separated from her husband last winter. He has moved out now... been a couple of months. when I say moved out, he hauled the family camper to the yard of a friend, and is living there. This man has about a 6 figure income. Their marital home is an acreage not far from me. There is ALOT of grass to cut there.

So he took the ride on lawnmower.

Really?

My friend is under 5 feet tall. She has 4 young kids. And he left her the pushmower. Really?

Then when she hired my son to cut the grass, her ex demanded to know who did that and how much did she pay him. Really?

He says he has no money to give her spousal, but then he bought a motorboat.... Really?

Where are people's priorities?

_____________________________________________________________

I have another friend... Married almost 20 years (I think). She lived in Brandon. He lost his job (not his fault). So SHE did the groundwork, found him a job on the east coast, because that's where he's from. They moved out there. During the transition an incident happened that I cannot speak of. She should have left then, but didn't. He's been an alcoholic for years, and he promised (again) to stop. He didn't. In fact it got worse, which is partly why the incident happened. She's been the glue keeping her family together for years and years. The alcoholism and his choices have resulted in many incidents of abuse, different kinds of abuse. Some he remembers, some he doesn't. Most he doesn't.

She finally had enough and left him. Came back to Manitoba. Her oldest daughter lives here and attends university here. Her middle, 16ish, lives on the east coast with the ex. And the boy, 10 came to Brandon. But my friend cannot live here now, where her supportive friends and family are. The ex insists that the kids have to be close to him. He also won't give her ANY money to support her while she finds work.

Really?

So, she is in Ottawa now, practically penniless, and a bit of a nervous wreck at times, though she's holding it together so far, despite being in 2 car accidents in the last 2 weeks.

SHE didn't choose for those bad things to happen to her because of her ex. She didn't choose for her children to be living apart like that. It's just a rotten deal. And HE blames HER... oh and then tells the children that he doesn't know why she left him, he loves her and wants her back. So the kids are mad at her too.

Really?

And she will NOT bad mouth their dad to them... which I give her credit for. They will love and respect her more for it - later. That happened to me too. But right now, her plate is pretty full, and it's just not fucking fair.

It would be easy to say that MEN are such jerks... but men do not corner the market on douchiness... There are just some really jerky people out there. No wonder some people's faith in Humanity gets destroyed!

________________________________________________________________

Perhaps I will write some stories of douchie women... guys have shared their stories with me too... but I gotta run... I got the kids to help me clean the garage, and promised them I'd take them out for supper.

Hulk Hogan and other things

I finally got into the book that Keith lent me: "MY Life Outside the Ring". I can't remember the last time I tried to read a book for pleasure. I think I just get really burned out from reading for my college classes, and so I've been putting off reading this. I wish there was an inexpensive way to listen to someone read it to me. In fact, I wish all my textbooks for school could be read that way! LOL

I bet most of you didn't know that Hulk is a Christian... or that his real name is Terry. But I'm not reading the book because he is a Christian. I'm reading it because Keith spoke so highly of it, because he could relate to many of Hulk's life experiences. As I am getting into the book, I can see why.

Here is the link to his book: http://www.amazon.ca/Life-Outside-Ring-Hulk-Hogan/dp/0312588909/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1312726793&sr=8-8

I watched the movie "Beastly" with my daughter recently. In that movie, the beastly young man created a greenhouse out of old antique windows. I happen to collect old antique windows... and so Keith and I went on a few road trips to a garbage dump and a garage sale, and brought home lots of cool stuff, including several glass doors, and windows, which were either free from the dump, or $1.00 each from this farm we went to. Keith drew up a design to create it and I love how he can just whip out a beautiful congruent drawing like that, all proportionate and such. Amazing. It will be an 8-sided structure, each side consisting of either a door, or several windows pieced together. The roof will be peaked in the center, and we will probably put plexi-glass panels in it. It will be approximately 8 feet in diameter. I plan to paint it white. I think it will have the ppearance of lace (almost) with all the various types of windows.

Here is the link to the scene from the movie. Seriously, my heart leaped when I saw his greenhouse... *sigh* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2yLOv6NbDY

We (my daughter and I) recently decided that we should acquire birds. We started out looking at kijiji, and found Blu the Budgie for $20, and a nice cage for him, also for $20. We've had him for a few weeks now. We enjoy him SO much that I checked back with the previous owner to see if his best buddy was still available, and lo and behold, he is! It's the last bird she has left to sell! That was lucky! I've always thought that budgies pair off male-female... and for the most part they do. But the owners say that these two boys have always loved being together, so they called them their "gay couple". LOL I know that in nature, some animals do exhibit homosexual behaviours, so I guess it's possible. But whether that's the case or not, the fact is that Blu will have his bestie back, and they will both be happy birds. :D We also are planning to acquire a bigger cage as well!

Life

Life is so fragile. We take it for granted everyday.

People are fragile too - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally... please handle with care...

Someone I know lost their daughter yesterday. Here is the blog about her: http://rachelamariah.blogspot.com/

I think there are so many people who are afraid to feel. Feeling means that not only do you get to feel the good stuff, but you also have to feel the bad. If I've learned anything in the past 10 years, it's to not run from suffering. Well, I still do sometimes, but less than I used to.

Keith was bugging me about being so jumpy during movies. LOL The truth is that there was a time when I NEVER jumped. I only got more jumpy AFTER I worked through the memories of abuse from my childhood. That abuse was so severe and traumatic, and the threats so strong to never tell, that I was shut down in many ways inside. Delving into those memories, horrific as they were, unlocked so many of these areas, allowing me to feel all of that pain again. But seeing and feeling the truth of what happened there also unlocked my ability to feel things in the present too! And that intense pain was allowed to seep out so that the infected wound could heal for real. I think that getting startled is a natural reflex that I now have back again. Even if I get lovingly teased about it, I'm glad it's there, because that's just one of many things that I can now feel - including to love and feel loved on a much deeper level.

It's because of this appreciation of being able to feel that I admire the choice made by the couple in the above mentioned post. They learned early on that their daughter had medical problems, at the 20 week ultrasound. They were strongly advised to abort her. Even knowing that this would be a very painful journey, They wanted her, and they wouldn't allow any person to make the decision about their child's life path. They left that up to God and walked that path step by step, never knowing if that day would be their last with her. She surprisingly survived the birth, and lived for nearly 15 months. I don't think that they would exchange that time with her, and those experiences with her in order to alleviate the pain they are feeling today.

I've learned that deeply loving always comes with deep pain. I don't want to give up experiencing love, and so I accept and embrace the risk of feeling the pain too. Pain won't kill you (even if it feels like it might). It's just a part of the human experience. You can try and avoid it, but then you'll have to be alone, and that's painful too.

Dear Ex Husband

*Content removed because my ex had a hissy fit.  Oh, and my ultimate goal is keeping the peace.  lol