I recieved some bad news recently. Someone I know came to me recently to share that her marriage has died.
A death like that is, in many ways, similar to the death of a loved one. And it IS a death. It's the demise of so many things, not just a relationship, but also of the goals, and hopes and dreams for the future that she once shared with him.
All it takes is a choice, or a series of choices, to kill off that trust.
Now, like so many of us, she has been thrown into unknown territory. She did all the right things, she was faithful, dedicated, loving and yet still her marriage relationship is dead. Can it be revived... that is not for me to say or know. Sometimes that can happen. Often it does not.
The one thing I know is that I don't need to know a whole lot about someone's life to know certain things. If someone leaves their spouse, there will be a very viable reason WHY. People don't up and leave their marriage for no good reason. It's rare. What you can see about someone's relationship is often only part of the story. There's alot that people don't share with the greater population. Especially in church.
My friend's husband broke the trust of his wife, and now everything she has known and trusted is gone. And there are the ripples of how those choices effect so many other people.
I've often thought about how when your spouse dies, people bring you casseroles and give you sympathy cards. But when your marriage dies, really, none of that happens. But I think it should.
I am learning that the Aboriginal perspective of things, is to model the behaviour they want to see in others. Perhaps I ought to follow in their footsteps and model casserole giving for separated people. Mmm-hmmm yes indeed.
So far, her church has been supportive of her. I am glad. She needs support more than ever now. I wish I could say that happened for me. What I can say is that there were certain INDIVIDUALS who reached out, and I appreciated that SO much. It really made a difference. And the ones who responded to my initiation of reconcilliation, that really made a difference too.
But those who continued to sit in judgement, and who attempted to orchestrate things FOR me, instead of talking to me and asking what my needs were, those people have discontinued to be my friends. Some by their choice, others were my choice. They mostly just tried to cover their own asses to ensure their supposed purity or piety. My forhead has left way too much blood on the brick wall. No more head-banging for me. I do pray that she won't encounter this kind of prejudice and judgement and I did.
But most of all, I am so glad that she came to see me. I love you, girlie! (You know who you are!) I am here for you! And I am still here for others who need a friendly face, and a heart that knows and understands what it feels like to go through such a painful life change. Statistics tell me, there will be more. And even though I wasn't allowed to do ministry at my former church for separated and divorced people, I am no longer limited by the boundaries and barriers of the church. This actually frees me up to do what God has called me to do. To walk with people through their valleys.
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