Someone Like You

I've been hearing this song by Adele on the radio ALOT. I think a song like this resonates with many people. Most of us have gone through breakups, some really really painful things.

"You know how the time flies. Yesterday, it was the time of our lives."

"Nothing compares, no worries or cares, regrets and mistakes are memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"

I think this addresses that there were good things that were present in the relationship. And it's sad that those things weren't enough and are now gone. We have 2 kids and those are things that keep us tied together, for the REST of our lives. But they are good things. That makes it bittersweet. And what makes it hard is that I can't talk about these things with him. The relationship is so broken and dead. And that is where I hear Adele expressing... "Nevermind..." It's like a letting go, it's an acceptance that it can't be better than it is. It is "Nevermind, I give up on you. I give up on the hope that it could be different."

Acceptance - a person may come to that a few times, perhaps on deeper levels. But working on learning to accept is essential to one's freedom from the pain of this kind of brokenness. After acceptance, you can move forward into new things, maybe even a new relationship...

And when I think of "finding someone like you..." I know I don't want someone like my ex. But I do want someone that is like who I thought he was initially. And well, I've been in a relationship with this wonderful man for almost 10 months now, and he is truly meeting and exceeding what I had hoped and longed for. Not only does he demonstrate his love for me on a regular basis, but he LETS me love him. (My ex had this wall, it was difficult to penetrate that with any kind of love). He lets me love him, and responds to the love I give. "Sometimes it lasts in love..."

So, I've been working on letting go of my anger and hate more these days. I think a person needs a season of being real about the anger and hate, but then there comes a time to dig a hole, and lay it to rest.

And the Plus? I totally learned to play the piano part on this song in like 10 minutes! haha Love it! :D

Another One Bits the Dust...

I recieved some bad news recently. Someone I know came to me recently to share that her marriage has died.

A death like that is, in many ways, similar to the death of a loved one. And it IS a death. It's the demise of so many things, not just a relationship, but also of the goals, and hopes and dreams for the future that she once shared with him.

All it takes is a choice, or a series of choices, to kill off that trust.

Now, like so many of us, she has been thrown into unknown territory. She did all the right things, she was faithful, dedicated, loving and yet still her marriage relationship is dead. Can it be revived... that is not for me to say or know. Sometimes that can happen. Often it does not.

The one thing I know is that I don't need to know a whole lot about someone's life to know certain things. If someone leaves their spouse, there will be a very viable reason WHY. People don't up and leave their marriage for no good reason. It's rare. What you can see about someone's relationship is often only part of the story. There's alot that people don't share with the greater population. Especially in church.

My friend's husband broke the trust of his wife, and now everything she has known and trusted is gone. And there are the ripples of how those choices effect so many other people.

I've often thought about how when your spouse dies, people bring you casseroles and give you sympathy cards. But when your marriage dies, really, none of that happens. But I think it should.

I am learning that the Aboriginal perspective of things, is to model the behaviour they want to see in others. Perhaps I ought to follow in their footsteps and model casserole giving for separated people. Mmm-hmmm yes indeed.

So far, her church has been supportive of her. I am glad. She needs support more than ever now. I wish I could say that happened for me. What I can say is that there were certain INDIVIDUALS who reached out, and I appreciated that SO much. It really made a difference. And the ones who responded to my initiation of reconcilliation, that really made a difference too.

But those who continued to sit in judgement, and who attempted to orchestrate things FOR me, instead of talking to me and asking what my needs were, those people have discontinued to be my friends. Some by their choice, others were my choice. They mostly just tried to cover their own asses to ensure their supposed purity or piety. My forhead has left way too much blood on the brick wall. No more head-banging for me. I do pray that she won't encounter this kind of prejudice and judgement and I did.

But most of all, I am so glad that she came to see me. I love you, girlie! (You know who you are!) I am here for you! And I am still here for others who need a friendly face, and a heart that knows and understands what it feels like to go through such a painful life change. Statistics tell me, there will be more. And even though I wasn't allowed to do ministry at my former church for separated and divorced people, I am no longer limited by the boundaries and barriers of the church. This actually frees me up to do what God has called me to do. To walk with people through their valleys.

Looking back

I happened upon this scripture in my old journals today...

"If God has called you out of your former life, do not take your children back there."

Genesis 24:5-8

Today this is just another gentle reminder to leave the past in the past. Odd since I was reading journals from 2002 and 2003. LOL

Timbuk 3 said it best: "The futures so bright, I gotta wear shades"

Looking behind ya is only beneficial as a reminder of how far you have come. :)

Life Guru's

I was on another blog, and I had to comment on this post:

I think of the self-help industry much how I think of the media industry. Mildly informative if you can pluck out the gems but mostly dangerous. Many of these so-called gurus need to make a living so pluck away at the fear and greed strings on the emotional guitars of their willing adherents.

Many of these people have never lost a home, lost a business, lost a wife, lost a family, and suffered real hardship but then claim the label of “coach” or “guru” and have at it. Then ten years later we hear about the sex scandals, the financial scandals, the cover-ups, the killings, the real “secrets” in The Secret.

I wish people would be honest. Instead of saying “this is how to be perfect” I wish these people would start from the premise, “hey, I’m striving also. I’m trying to figure it out. Here’s what’s worked for me. Here’s what hasn’t worked for me. And, by the way, here’s the screwed up crap I’m dealing with today. I hope I survive also.”

Just be honest. Is it really that hard in every industry to be honest? Particularly an industry that , first and foremost, about honesty? (Just like the finance industry should be but isn’t).

It's true... many "gurus" don't have an outwardly messy life. And well, when my marriage fell apart, that became SO clear. To them, I was the problem. I never claimed to be perfect, I was open, accountable, went to counseling, served at church consistently and faithfully. I was investing my time, mind and heart into this christian "family" I had found. But when life got messy, they were not there. And I was to blame (in their eyes).

I can be angry about that, but y'know, it taught me how to separate people from God. They may have a similar likeness, but they aren't the same. Relying on my church "family" isn't the same as relying on God. There is so much fear programmed into us through so many avenues, even through church (or maybe ESPECIALLY church). This fear drives many of our actions, or inactions. We are afraid to reach out because it might make us look bad. We are afraid to make a move because it might be wrong, and we need a blaring green light in our face in order to do anything. We are taught NOT to rely on ourselves because we are selfish, self sentered and all that. Ok, I get that that IS part of the package, but it's only part! The other side is that we are made in God's image, called by him, equipped by him. His love and investment in US is what makes the difference, regardless of which direction we go in life. He is still there, at the path's end of each choice. What part of I'll never leave you for forsake you aren't alot of us getting?

So I think that if we keep setting aside our ambitions and life goals in favor of waiting upon the Lord, we are insulting him. He made us, he gave us gifts and abilities, and a desire to follow up on those things. IF you trust God, If you are letting his love cast out your fear, then you shouldn't have any problem trusting yourself and your ability to make mostly good decisions for your life.

And honesty... please CAN we be honest? I saw a t-shirt once that said: "If you always tell the truth, you never have to remember anything" It's SO much easier to just be honest. It takes less energy, and you you don't have to keep track of which version of the truth you said to someone. LOL If you are honest with others about your life, you may open something up for someone else, and it will help them! I should add a disclaimer here that you don't have to share all of your "laundry" with every person you know... but you don't need to lie either. I'd rather say "it's none of your business" or "I choose not to share info about that outside of my family" than to make up some BS story to cover and make the listener happy or impressed. Truth is alot of people will be miffed if you point out that they are being too nosy, but maybe they need to hear it.

The point is that you can be honest, AND you don't have to be TOO honest with certain people. hehe

Dear Ex-Husband

Dear Ex Husband,

*Content removed of my own free will.  No one is MAKING me remove it.  :)

Love is a many splendored thing...

It is funny to think that I started this blog to deal with a painful breakup.  LOL  That is like SO many light years away to me now.  Now I am in love...  I don't always tend to go ON about it... but tonight I am filled with that overwhelming feeling, you know, the one that can't truly be described but can only be felt.  It's not only felt in the heart, but in every fiber.  

He's worked so hard the last couple of weeks... and I've been super busy too, switching from the Christian college to the Provincial University and helping my Niece get settled in too.  So my kids went away to their dad's, my niece went out with friends, and my boyfriend and I got to have some much needed downtime.  The first night we just ate supper and basically crashed.  The next day we went to some garage sales, spent time with his parents, and sang songs around the campfire.  That's right, he's a musician with a great singing voice.. (I think I gave you a sample in an earlier post).  It's not like we do all this really profound stuff, but it's those stolen moments, when at a glance, we share a private thought that no one else in the room picks up on, and the tender touch of his hand on my face.  I think mostly it's that he is purposeful about pursuing this relationship with me, without suffocating me in the process.  It's that he's not all needy and insecure, he would be totally fine without me, he's not a swirling vortex of neediness.  And I think he would say basically the same about me.   

I dunno, it's just one of those days, again, when I feel this inner renewal bursting forth - I would do anything for this man.  I don't feel scared like I did at first... not scared of HIM but just scared of relationships not working out.  I know there's no reward without risk... that is very true.  And while it took a bit of time for me to come around in this relationship,  I have, or rather WE have, reaped the rewards of taking that risk with each other.  

Damn it's good to be in love...  :D 

To My Fans.. lol

Hey there...

You probably won't hear from me for a while.  I am back at school, this time at University to get my BSW. It will be fun to go there this year because the campus has a completely different feel.  Don't get me wrong, I really liked going to the Bible College, I learned alot there, and I liked the environment.  But I am also liking this environment as well.

I like that people are treated like adults there.  For example, there are no internet restrictions (that I'm aware of).  You are expected to grow up and do your homework, and if you spend all your time on facebook, then you get to just experience the consequences of that.  There was a no drinking policy at the bible college, but then at this university there were beer gardens.  So weird.  LOL  But good.  It's not that I'm advocating drunkenness, but if people are going to learn how to be adults, they should be able to have the opportunity to do so.  I felt that the bible college was a bit over the top with that sort of thing.

So, getting into University was a bit of a trial.  For one, I had been registered to go to a Christian "university/college" but then they offered all of the classes in the late afternoon and evening.  This would cause me to be away from my children for 3 evenings a week!  Unacceptable.  Ever since my kids were born, and especially since I became a single mom, I have had the conviction to BE THERE for my kids.  I don't mind doing homework in the evenings, but at least I'm AVAILABLE.  So in the 11th hour, I had to completely switch institutions.  It was a bit of a headache, but I'm IN!  hehe

And my niece is living with me and going to the same university, so that will be fun!  Someone to go with.  She applied late so I am helping her get into classes and to navigate around there.  But it's going great!  :)  I enjoy having her here so far (well, it's only been a week!  haha)

So yeah, this is a totally NEW experience, but so far, so good!  :)

And.. I had to go to a case conference with Mr. X yesterday too (which caused me to miss my FIRST class, but oh well).  But the good news is that support will continue as it has been.  He was trying to get out of it but he can't so he's not happy but oh well.  I guess if he wanted to keep his money he would have been better off taking the time to care about his family.  But no, he was too busy for that.  The funny thing is he complained that he has to work overtime to meet his obligations, and he says he wants to stop working overtime.  He has ALWAYS worked fucking overtime.  It was a problem in the  marriage.  He has something like OCD or something when it comes to working... I mean, working is good, but this was and is WAY over the top.  But again, that is HIS choice, and until he accepts that HE made choices that got him here, and it is not all ME doing something wrong to HIM... he will continue to be in bondage to all of this.  What was cool, was, the judge said that no sympathy in regards to overtime would be given until his work history could be reviewed as to what was his regular time vs overtime before separation and what is it after? That will show the truth.  :)

So anyways, life is good... our son, who just turned 18, will continue to be financially supported by his father while he finishes high school.  I will be able to continue to attend university and be financially supported.  I have 2 great kids and an awesome niece living with me and we are all doing well.  And best of all, I have a wonderful man in my life who is so very good to me.  We support each other in friendship and in love.  I really dig him.  :D  Ok I love the man!  hehe

I hope that y'all have a beauty day!