My advice to you, don't use your kids to exact revenge on your ex. Just don't do it.
This is happening currently to someone I know. It makes me want to puke.
When I was a kid, growing up in a broken home, my parents used to me to get to the other. We (my sisters, brother and I) were pawns in their games. Mom's games were less damaging than dad's, but still, games are games and they are harmful to children. Not only that, but games destroy relationships with your kids.
Mom did things like always asking what dad had, if he got anything new, if he was seeing anyone. She just had to know everything. When he got a new girlfriend, mom asked us if she was prettier than her, and stuff like that. But the saving grace is she would always qualify dad's questionable actions by telling us that dad loves us. It didn't feel like it though. It just felt like he was angry.
When my ex moved out, I understood my mom's mentality a bit more. He didn't want to pay child support, even accused me of stealing from him (I took the child support amount out of our joint account. I could have taken double that, but I didn't). Anyways, he kept telling me how broke he was (with his 6 figure income), but then I kept hearing about his new leather furniture, and his microwave, and such. I remember thinking, if he's so broke, how can he buy furniture? But, I never once asked the kids to tell me anything. I allowed them the freedom to talk about whatever they wanted, and when they told me about his new leather furniture, I just said, "Wow that's nice! Is it comfy to sit on?" I always wanted them to feel like talking to mom was a safe thing to do, and that it wouldn't result in me going off about how there was this financial dichotomy going on in the background. They don't need to know that. I made that choice because divorce is damaging enough, without adults adding their petty insecurity crap onto their little shoulders. I know this intimately, being a child of divorce, so I don't do it to my kids.
Dad did more damaging things. He told stories about my mom to create doubt in my mind about what kind of person my mom is. He blamed her for everything, and took responsibility for nothing. He kidnapped my brother, and then kidnapped one of my sisters, and had her hair all cut off. He never paid child support. He threatened to kill my dog. There's just so much that he did to undermine our relationship with mom, that me and my sisters ended up rejecting him altogether.
I think Dad was trying to get back at mom for leaving him. He wanted ultimate authority and control, and she took control back over her life the day she left him. I think that pissed him off, and he still to this day, blames her (and now his second ex wife) for all of his troubles. In his attempts to poison his kids against their mothers, most of the kids have nothing to do with him now. THIS is what "revenge" will get you, a lonely life existence. Estrangement from your kids. Revenge backfires on you.
So, I know that ultimately, this current situation with these people I know will resolve itself. It's like a bad movie being played out, where you know the end of the story already. And you know that a few, simple moves could totally change the direction of things but that person is too proud to let go of their power. Power that is slowly slipping out of their hands anyways, so they grab onto whatever they can, and blame and estrange their children in the process, attempting to make the other parent "pay" by limiting access to the kids. Kids aren't stupid. That parent will pay the ultimate price, just like my dad is now. The other parent can suck it up, be the bigger person, and in the end, the children will gravitate towards the parent who is stable, loving, not vindictive or full of revenge.
Again, I'm telling you, the best revenge is to live well. BE the stable parent. Children gravitate towards that. And you will lay the groundwork for a lifetime of trust and appreciate with them. THAT is your goal. You don't need to exact revenge. Don't worry, your ex will likely hang him or herself with their own bullshit if they are one of those batshit crazy douchebags.
Trust me on this. I've been there as a kid, and now that I'm the adult, I get to chose how things go within the four walls of our now peaceful home.
This blog is about being honest and real about life and the circumstances it brings. What is shared here is not always pretty, but it is genuine. I may use some curse words and I may speak “Christian” just to warn y'all. Life sure isn't perfect. It's pretty damn messy. Yet, in the midst of that mess, there is life, hopes, dreams, love, friends and COFFEE! So, grab a cup of java and settle in, we are gonna hang out together for a bit.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Heavens Tamergatroid! A story about one ex's revenge, and how to exact real revenge on your ex. LOL
I have a little story to tell you. I tell it because most single moms will appreciate it, and send their prayers and positive thoughts to this woman I am about to tell you about.
My lovely boyfriend and I decided to go check out some local garage and yard sales today. We saw a sign on the main street boulevard, directing us to a yard sale out in the country, not far away. As we drove out there, we couldn't see any signs. We did see a couple of balloons at the end of a driveway, and a woman in her car there, adding more, but for all I know, that could be a birthday party, or baby shower. That's what people do around these parts.
So we drove on to the next town, and saw no other signs, so we turned back. As we came up to that same driveway, we saw that same woman in her car by the balloons, so we pulled in just to check if she might know where this elusive yard sale might be. She said, "Yes, it's here, my husband keeps taking down the signs. Come on in, have a look around." So we did. She knew me by name, and I recall seeing her often over the years at the schools that my children have attended. I didn't remember her name, we were never "friends" but I had seen her around.
So, she left for a few minutes, and came back, so she could ensure that the balloons were still at the end of her driveway. She looks quite stressed out, to be honest, and then I decided to buy her car top carrier for my SUV for $15.00. She asked how things were with my husband, and my boyfriend looked at me and laughed, saying something like, "Not too good I hope, haha." I laughed too, informing her that I've been separated now for over 5 years, and this here is my wonderful boyfriend. She shared that she's been separated for two years now, and they are selling the house, and he took all the stuff that had any value, and she's trying to sell off some of the little crappy stuff he didn't take that she doesn't need. But he was sabotaging her by stealing her signage and her balloons over and over.
Crazy eh?
She also mentioned that he drives a gold van.
So, before we left, I exchanged phone numbers with her.
When we got back to town, the signage for her yard sale was gone. We looked at a few other yard sales, then headed home. As I turned onto my street, we saw a gold van pull in behind us. We both saw it and thought, whoa, that's creepy. LOL
Then I turned into the driveway, and the gold van turned into my next door neighbour's driveway. My first thought was, "Pheww, it's only a friend of *Sally's. No worries." Until I saw him pull a bunch of balloons out of the van. WTF? I crept around the corner, and saw that he had a bunch of balloons and several yard sale signs leaning up against *Sally's garage, and he was taking it all into HER garage! WTF?
So I called the woman, and informed her of all of this. She said, "Oh that might be because Sally's mom is a local real estate agent, and he's probably storing all of our stuff in Sally's garage.
So, I called Sally, and informed her of these goings on. She knew that the man was storing things there, but not about this stupid shit he was doing to his wife. She said she was going to call her dad about it.
I followed up with the woman later in the day. Her husband kept stealing balloons and signage all day. But she was determined. She took a wheelbarrow, painted YARD SALE on it, and chained it to the end of the driveway, to a tree. Meanwhile, she called the police, who came by the house where she was having her sale, and while they were there talking to her, the husband was at the end of the drive way, working away on getting rid of that wheel barrow! So the police went and spoke with him.
Crazy, crazy shit, I tell ya!
But here is the moral of the story that I got from it. Whatever your ex did to you, or is doing to you, it does NOT give you the right to do stupid shit back. It doesn't make anything "Even". It makes you look like a stupid, idiot moron! And it can get you in trouble with the law.
If you really want to get even, to exact your revenge, I have the best solution for you. LIVE WELL. Nothing will piss your ex off more than to see and know that you don't give a shit what they are doing because you are too busy - having a great time in your new life with lovely people that think you're awesome - to notice what the hell HE (or SHE) is up to.
If your ex has turned into a bat shit crazy douchebag, the last thing your kids need is for you to do the same. If your ex wants to hang himself (or herself) with his own bullshit, there's nothing you can really do about that. If they ruin relationships with the children you had together, that's not your fault. You can't control that. What you CAN do is be sane and peaceful, so the kids have at least ONE parent they can lean on while they weather this storm. Your kids need at least one stable parent. Be THAT parent. Again, that's the best revenge towards your ex, you don't even have to TRY to win the kids over, kids are intelligent, and they can think and reason for themselves, and they know the different between bat shit crazy, and stable/sane/peaceful.
Whatever you do, find other outlets (like a blog - lol) where you can let the hot lava venom flow out of you, and away from your children, and NOT at their other parent (don't give him anything he can use against you!). If you give that ex spouse of yours ANY attention, any indication that they are affecting you at all, they will feel like they win. They will feel victorious. So, by staying peaceful, and stable, and living well, loving the people who deserve it, and not giving a fuck what your ex is up to, that will pretty much drive a knife into his gut if he's a batshit crazy douchbag. And if he's not batshit crazy, well then at least you're not being that either, and you are enjoying life, and hopefully he is too. (Isn't that what you want for your children - for them to have a good relationship with their other parent who is hopefully stable and peaceful too?)
Live WELL.
Peace out! :)
My lovely boyfriend and I decided to go check out some local garage and yard sales today. We saw a sign on the main street boulevard, directing us to a yard sale out in the country, not far away. As we drove out there, we couldn't see any signs. We did see a couple of balloons at the end of a driveway, and a woman in her car there, adding more, but for all I know, that could be a birthday party, or baby shower. That's what people do around these parts.
So we drove on to the next town, and saw no other signs, so we turned back. As we came up to that same driveway, we saw that same woman in her car by the balloons, so we pulled in just to check if she might know where this elusive yard sale might be. She said, "Yes, it's here, my husband keeps taking down the signs. Come on in, have a look around." So we did. She knew me by name, and I recall seeing her often over the years at the schools that my children have attended. I didn't remember her name, we were never "friends" but I had seen her around.
So, she left for a few minutes, and came back, so she could ensure that the balloons were still at the end of her driveway. She looks quite stressed out, to be honest, and then I decided to buy her car top carrier for my SUV for $15.00. She asked how things were with my husband, and my boyfriend looked at me and laughed, saying something like, "Not too good I hope, haha." I laughed too, informing her that I've been separated now for over 5 years, and this here is my wonderful boyfriend. She shared that she's been separated for two years now, and they are selling the house, and he took all the stuff that had any value, and she's trying to sell off some of the little crappy stuff he didn't take that she doesn't need. But he was sabotaging her by stealing her signage and her balloons over and over.
Crazy eh?
She also mentioned that he drives a gold van.
So, before we left, I exchanged phone numbers with her.
When we got back to town, the signage for her yard sale was gone. We looked at a few other yard sales, then headed home. As I turned onto my street, we saw a gold van pull in behind us. We both saw it and thought, whoa, that's creepy. LOL
Then I turned into the driveway, and the gold van turned into my next door neighbour's driveway. My first thought was, "Pheww, it's only a friend of *Sally's. No worries." Until I saw him pull a bunch of balloons out of the van. WTF? I crept around the corner, and saw that he had a bunch of balloons and several yard sale signs leaning up against *Sally's garage, and he was taking it all into HER garage! WTF?
So I called the woman, and informed her of all of this. She said, "Oh that might be because Sally's mom is a local real estate agent, and he's probably storing all of our stuff in Sally's garage.
So, I called Sally, and informed her of these goings on. She knew that the man was storing things there, but not about this stupid shit he was doing to his wife. She said she was going to call her dad about it.
I followed up with the woman later in the day. Her husband kept stealing balloons and signage all day. But she was determined. She took a wheelbarrow, painted YARD SALE on it, and chained it to the end of the driveway, to a tree. Meanwhile, she called the police, who came by the house where she was having her sale, and while they were there talking to her, the husband was at the end of the drive way, working away on getting rid of that wheel barrow! So the police went and spoke with him.
Crazy, crazy shit, I tell ya!
But here is the moral of the story that I got from it. Whatever your ex did to you, or is doing to you, it does NOT give you the right to do stupid shit back. It doesn't make anything "Even". It makes you look like a stupid, idiot moron! And it can get you in trouble with the law.
If you really want to get even, to exact your revenge, I have the best solution for you. LIVE WELL. Nothing will piss your ex off more than to see and know that you don't give a shit what they are doing because you are too busy - having a great time in your new life with lovely people that think you're awesome - to notice what the hell HE (or SHE) is up to.
If your ex has turned into a bat shit crazy douchebag, the last thing your kids need is for you to do the same. If your ex wants to hang himself (or herself) with his own bullshit, there's nothing you can really do about that. If they ruin relationships with the children you had together, that's not your fault. You can't control that. What you CAN do is be sane and peaceful, so the kids have at least ONE parent they can lean on while they weather this storm. Your kids need at least one stable parent. Be THAT parent. Again, that's the best revenge towards your ex, you don't even have to TRY to win the kids over, kids are intelligent, and they can think and reason for themselves, and they know the different between bat shit crazy, and stable/sane/peaceful.
Whatever you do, find other outlets (like a blog - lol) where you can let the hot lava venom flow out of you, and away from your children, and NOT at their other parent (don't give him anything he can use against you!). If you give that ex spouse of yours ANY attention, any indication that they are affecting you at all, they will feel like they win. They will feel victorious. So, by staying peaceful, and stable, and living well, loving the people who deserve it, and not giving a fuck what your ex is up to, that will pretty much drive a knife into his gut if he's a batshit crazy douchbag. And if he's not batshit crazy, well then at least you're not being that either, and you are enjoying life, and hopefully he is too. (Isn't that what you want for your children - for them to have a good relationship with their other parent who is hopefully stable and peaceful too?)
Live WELL.
Peace out! :)
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Perspective
I remember in the aftermath of the marital separation, I briefly dated a guy that I knew in high school. He didn't go to MY school, but I had met him during that time. My ex would come over and pick up the kids for the weekend. They way he would look at me, with distaste, with venom in his brief gaze, left me feeling eerily dirty, disgusting, and ugly. Then about 20 or 30 minutes later, the guy I was seeing would show up, with a great big smile, drawing in his breath in what appeared to be amazement, and say, "Wow, you look SO beautiful!" and I'd feel like a million bucks!
That taught me a lot! For lots of reasons, it didn't work out with the guy, but I learned something very valuable in that moment. I learned that I was WAY too emotionally dependent upon how OTHER people see me. I couldn't believe the contrast of how different I felt, when NOTHING else had changed inbetween. I realized that I needed to value myself more than I did. I mean, I had already done a LOT of work in that area, thus separating myself from people (aka the hubby) who didn't value me, and indeed attempted to de-value me. And yet, here I was still depending on other's opinion of me.
Currently, I would say that I've come a long way, and I still have a way to go. It still sometimes matters what people think, but mostly I just choose to not give a fuck. I've got better things to do than waste my heart on that sort of thing. :)
Friends
I have friends. Lots of different kinds of friends.
I have long term friends, who have known me for over 20 years, and aren't insecure about me being in a relationship.
I have my "single" friends, those who are there for you when you're single, and like to go out dancing and socializing. They are good people, but when I'm in a relationship, these are people who get to sit in my back burner. Not because they aren't important people unto themselves, but because I'm only one person, and I just have to prioritize my life.
Its the same thing with me going to College and University. When I'm knee deep in studying, lots of things go by the wayside. What I do NOT want going by the wayside, is things like time with my kids, time with my lovely boyfriend, and just the daily obligations like housework and paying bills. If any of those go by the wayside, then I become a bad person, in my own mind.
So, I have this friend. Someone I would have once considered a really good and close friend. We helped each other through some stuff. It was good. She's a great person, has a lot going for her, is a beautiful person inside and out. And like most people, she has insecurities and sensitivities. These are likely due to wounds she received from people in her past, such as her family of origin, and the issues regarding her divorce a few years back. I really do understand that, and care about that.
I, too, have my issues. They get in the way of relationships sometimes. So, I try to not let it get to me, when my friends issues get in the way, and I hope they do the same for me. It's called grace. Just giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, and not taking things personally, and just picking up where you left off and not worrying about whatever silly crap got in the way.
My friend and I hadn't seen each other in a good long while. She was going through some stuff, and even though I invited her out a couple of times, she refused. I didn't know what her issue was, and she didn't tell me, but I didn't sweat it.
Then a good long while went by again, and she asked me out to lunch. I accepted. But she cancelled on me because of a work related thing. I tried to reschedule for the following week, but she was going away on vacation, so she said she'd get back to me when she got back. She never did. Meanwhile, I was in a relationship again, plus going to University so I was really busy, and I assumed she was going to get back to me when she had time since she said she would. She didn't, but again, I didn't sweat it because I understand how busy life can get.
There was this one day that I was going to tag her in a photo she took of my kids and I, and I realized she was no longer one of my FB friends. I immediately sent her a message to her inbox, asking why we weren't facebook friends anymore. She never replied. So, I interpreted that as her having one of her "issues" again, and I just let it slide.
I tried asking a mutual friend about it, and when he asked her, she told him to tell me that I should talk to her directly. Um, I tried that and was ignored.
So, I get the message. Loud and clear. I don't know what the issue is, but I accept the outcome. I have better things to do with my time than to chase someone else's insecurities around. I don't hate her, but I just don't have time for that kind of drama.
Have a good life, former friend. Take care and be happy.
Bambi
Update: we went for lunch and cleared the air and all is good. :)
I have long term friends, who have known me for over 20 years, and aren't insecure about me being in a relationship.
I have my "single" friends, those who are there for you when you're single, and like to go out dancing and socializing. They are good people, but when I'm in a relationship, these are people who get to sit in my back burner. Not because they aren't important people unto themselves, but because I'm only one person, and I just have to prioritize my life.
Its the same thing with me going to College and University. When I'm knee deep in studying, lots of things go by the wayside. What I do NOT want going by the wayside, is things like time with my kids, time with my lovely boyfriend, and just the daily obligations like housework and paying bills. If any of those go by the wayside, then I become a bad person, in my own mind.
So, I have this friend. Someone I would have once considered a really good and close friend. We helped each other through some stuff. It was good. She's a great person, has a lot going for her, is a beautiful person inside and out. And like most people, she has insecurities and sensitivities. These are likely due to wounds she received from people in her past, such as her family of origin, and the issues regarding her divorce a few years back. I really do understand that, and care about that.
I, too, have my issues. They get in the way of relationships sometimes. So, I try to not let it get to me, when my friends issues get in the way, and I hope they do the same for me. It's called grace. Just giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, and not taking things personally, and just picking up where you left off and not worrying about whatever silly crap got in the way.
My friend and I hadn't seen each other in a good long while. She was going through some stuff, and even though I invited her out a couple of times, she refused. I didn't know what her issue was, and she didn't tell me, but I didn't sweat it.
Then a good long while went by again, and she asked me out to lunch. I accepted. But she cancelled on me because of a work related thing. I tried to reschedule for the following week, but she was going away on vacation, so she said she'd get back to me when she got back. She never did. Meanwhile, I was in a relationship again, plus going to University so I was really busy, and I assumed she was going to get back to me when she had time since she said she would. She didn't, but again, I didn't sweat it because I understand how busy life can get.
There was this one day that I was going to tag her in a photo she took of my kids and I, and I realized she was no longer one of my FB friends. I immediately sent her a message to her inbox, asking why we weren't facebook friends anymore. She never replied. So, I interpreted that as her having one of her "issues" again, and I just let it slide.
I tried asking a mutual friend about it, and when he asked her, she told him to tell me that I should talk to her directly. Um, I tried that and was ignored.
So, I get the message. Loud and clear. I don't know what the issue is, but I accept the outcome. I have better things to do with my time than to chase someone else's insecurities around. I don't hate her, but I just don't have time for that kind of drama.
Have a good life, former friend. Take care and be happy.
Bambi
Update: we went for lunch and cleared the air and all is good. :)
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Dog and Cat
As we speak, he is using me like a jungle gym. I now know why there are SO many pictures of kittens on laptop keyboards online. hahaha
Anyways, our chihuahua and this kitten are not best of friends. They playfight like crazy.
Here is a video of some of their playtime. I may upload more vids later, but it takes a long time to upload, so I'll just try to get at least one on here. hehe
University
It didn't make any sense to me, because I had reviewed all the details with the administration to ensure that all of my ducks were in a row for this year.
And while there are many supports there, and lots of helpful people, it really pays to advocate for yourself. No one cares about YOUR interests more than YOU do.
So, I contacted that same gal at administration, and within a week, I got my acceptance package! :D
Apparently, THEY made a mistake. And they wouldn't have caught that mistake, had I not brought it to their attention. In fact, they double checked some others that had been rejected who fell into the same category as I did, to be sure they hadn't made the same mistake with them. But it turns out that I was the only one.
This year, 288 people applied to the faculty. Only 75 were accepted. THAT makes me feel pretty good!
Plus I'm ahead of the game because of the courses I took last year.
Monday, July 2, 2012
An end to the old guilt
I'm getting a headache... and I'm out of meds for it. I hope I don't fall deep into a full blown migraine...
But there is something that comes up pretty often for me, and has come up several times today. Well, mostly its just how awesome my boyfriend is, although he probably wouldn't classify it as being overly awesome, just being "normal".
There were a few times when I was being "lazy" (relaxing, lounging, enjoying downtime). When my honey walked into the room, I'd have a moment of panic. Not full blown panic, but just that anxious feeling of, "oh shit, I better get up and do something so he doesn't get mad at me." But then he walks over and gives me a kiss, or asks me if I want more coffee, or sits with me. When I put dishes in the dishwasher, he said, "Oh, I was gonna do that honey." When in the past I had grown used to feeling like the person I was with was thinking, "Finally, that lazy woman is doing something."
Right now, he is making supper. He enjoys cooking, and he doesn't make me feel shitty because he is "doing my job"...
Yesterday, I felt guilty because I was SO tired from the migraine, and the meds, I slept most of the day away. I said, sorry I'm so sleepy, but he stopped me, and told me not to worry, just rest if I need it. :) I never had the luxury of guilt free resting when I felt that way when I was married.
It's such a contrast.
I guess I still have some inner adjusting to do. You think you're over it, and then your life changes, and it reveals things that are still broken inside and in need of healing. It's probably the same for my honey too sometimes.
But it's just a really good feeling to be with someone like that. :)
But there is something that comes up pretty often for me, and has come up several times today. Well, mostly its just how awesome my boyfriend is, although he probably wouldn't classify it as being overly awesome, just being "normal".
There were a few times when I was being "lazy" (relaxing, lounging, enjoying downtime). When my honey walked into the room, I'd have a moment of panic. Not full blown panic, but just that anxious feeling of, "oh shit, I better get up and do something so he doesn't get mad at me." But then he walks over and gives me a kiss, or asks me if I want more coffee, or sits with me. When I put dishes in the dishwasher, he said, "Oh, I was gonna do that honey." When in the past I had grown used to feeling like the person I was with was thinking, "Finally, that lazy woman is doing something."
Right now, he is making supper. He enjoys cooking, and he doesn't make me feel shitty because he is "doing my job"...
Yesterday, I felt guilty because I was SO tired from the migraine, and the meds, I slept most of the day away. I said, sorry I'm so sleepy, but he stopped me, and told me not to worry, just rest if I need it. :) I never had the luxury of guilt free resting when I felt that way when I was married.
It's such a contrast.
I guess I still have some inner adjusting to do. You think you're over it, and then your life changes, and it reveals things that are still broken inside and in need of healing. It's probably the same for my honey too sometimes.
But it's just a really good feeling to be with someone like that. :)
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