Revenge part 2

My advice to you, don't use your kids to exact revenge on your ex.  Just don't do it.

This is happening currently to someone I know.  It makes me want to puke.

When I was a kid, growing up in a broken home, my parents used to me to get to the other.  We (my sisters, brother and I) were pawns in their games.  Mom's games were less damaging than dad's, but still, games are games and they are harmful to children.  Not only that, but games destroy relationships with your kids.

Mom did things like always asking what dad had, if he got anything new, if he was seeing anyone.  She just had to know everything.  When he got a new girlfriend, mom asked us if she was prettier than her, and stuff like that.  But the saving grace is she would always qualify dad's questionable actions by telling us that dad loves us.  It didn't feel like it though.  It just felt like he was angry.

When my ex moved out, I understood my mom's mentality a bit more.  He didn't want to pay child support, even accused me of stealing from him (I took the child support amount out of our joint account.  I could have taken double that, but I didn't).  Anyways, he kept telling me how broke he was (with his 6 figure income), but then I kept hearing about his new leather furniture, and his microwave, and such.  I remember thinking, if he's so broke, how can he buy furniture?  But, I never once asked the kids to tell me anything.  I allowed them the freedom to talk about whatever they wanted, and when they told me about his new leather furniture, I just said, "Wow that's nice!  Is it comfy to sit on?"  I always wanted them to feel like talking to mom was a safe thing to do, and that it wouldn't result in me going off about how there was this financial dichotomy going on in the background.  They don't need to know that.  I made that choice because divorce is damaging enough, without adults adding their petty insecurity crap onto their little shoulders.  I know this intimately, being a child of divorce, so I don't do it to my kids.

Dad did more damaging things.  He told stories about my mom to create doubt in my mind about what kind of person my mom is.  He blamed her for everything, and took responsibility for nothing.  He kidnapped my brother, and then kidnapped one of my sisters, and had her hair all cut off.  He never paid child support.  He threatened to kill my dog.  There's just so much that he did to undermine our relationship with mom, that me and my sisters ended up rejecting him altogether.

I think Dad was trying to get back at mom for leaving him.  He wanted ultimate authority and control, and she took control back over her life the day she left him.  I think that pissed him off, and he still to this day, blames her (and now his second ex wife) for all of his troubles.  In his attempts to poison his kids against their mothers, most of the kids have nothing to do with him now.  THIS is what "revenge" will get you, a lonely life existence.  Estrangement from your kids.  Revenge backfires on you.

So, I know that ultimately, this current situation with these people I know will resolve itself.  It's like a bad movie being played out, where you know the end of the story already.  And you know that a few, simple moves could totally change the direction of things but that person is too proud to let go of their power.  Power that is slowly slipping out of their hands anyways, so they grab onto whatever they can, and blame and estrange their children in the process, attempting to make the other parent "pay" by limiting access to the kids.  Kids aren't stupid.  That parent will pay the ultimate price, just like my dad is now.  The other parent can suck it up, be the bigger person, and in the end, the children will gravitate towards the parent who is stable, loving, not vindictive or full of revenge.

Again, I'm telling you, the best revenge is to live well.  BE the stable parent.  Children gravitate towards that.  And you will lay the groundwork for a lifetime of trust and appreciate with them.  THAT is your goal.  You don't need to exact revenge.  Don't worry, your ex will likely hang him or herself with their own bullshit if they are one of those batshit crazy douchebags.

Trust me on this.  I've been there as a kid, and now that I'm the adult, I get to chose how things go within the four walls of our now peaceful home.