This is an assignment that I did in March of 2009 giving a personal reflection on how addiction has affected me in my life.
Addiction and Grace
Gerald G. May M.D., a reasonably careful scientist (vi), has a very
insightful opinion of addiction. Though
he admits that he is “not a trained theologian nor scriptural scholar” (vi), it
seems as though he is very qualified to speak on this issue. He uses his own personal struggles, as well
as particular examples of other people he has worked with in their struggles
with addiction. The main idea that he
addresses in the book is that, as human beings, we all have addictions, whether
big or small, and we all stand in need of God's grace because of it. The intended audience of the book is not just
for those with prominent addictions, or those who love such afflicted
individuals, but to the average person.
This information could also prove helpful to those in a position of
ministering to addicted persons. This
book seems believable for two reasons: 1. the author speaks from his heart of
passion on the issue and isn't afraid of sharing his own struggles in this
area, and 2. he backs up his passion with scripture, psychology, and brain
science.
I appreciate the way the author shares his heart
on these issues. He begins with a personal story of losing his dad at age
nine. This caused him to turn away from
God, and “protect” his heart from further trauma. When we turn from God, we will sin. “Pain causes us to turn away from love. This causes us to turn to repression and
addiction” (2). We have inner desires
for love, protection, and understanding to name a few. When these needs go unmet, our desires will
continue to search for something to comfort and quiet the unsettled feeling
inside. We may reach for
something, or withdraw from something.
“Repression stifles desire, addiction attaches desire” (3). Either way, we are acting apart from God, and
stand in need of His grace. “Our
addictions can lead us to a deep appreciation of grace. They can bring us to our knees” (4). The truth is that our addictions will not
satisfy those desires within. These
needs can only be met by God. It is our
deficiencies that lead us closer to understanding our need of Him to make us
complete. “To be alive is to be
addicted, and to be alive and addicted is to stand in need of grace” (11). This is May's overall presupposition, and a
fairly accurate one at that.
I found the author to be quite confident in his
thoughts and opinions. I don't know if
religious authorities would appreciate his outlook. However, I believe this would only add to his
credibility. He doesn't appear to be
legalistic in any way, yet he backs up his thoughts and opinions with
scripture. Not only that, but he backs
it up with science. He is successful in
making science and scripture back one another up on this topic.
The Christian Church would do well to review the
content of this study. There are many
who are afflicted with addiction in church, and some are even addicted to
church. Most people don't recognize and
thus acknowledge the fact that spiritual practices can in and of themselves
become addictions because they are so socially acceptable. “Addiction to a religious system, like
addiction to anything else, brings slavery, not freedom” (97). “All these things [spiritual practices]
are vehicles for God's love, but addiction to them makes them obstacles to the
freedom of our own hearts” (97, italics mine).
If the Christian Community wishes to follow Jesus in reaching out to the
addicted, it's important to recognize one's own addictiveness, and thus gain a
personal understanding of the pitfalls and struggle associated with it. It is likely difficult for anyone to open
themselves up to dealing with the underlying cause of their addiction with anyone
who professes an appearance of having it all together, and having all the
answers. “Doctrines of belief, rules of
life, standards of conduct, and reliance on Scripture are all essential aspects
of a spiritual life” (97). However,
“because we are addicted, our motivations are always mixed and our hearts are
never completely pure” (108). Once this
can be authentically acknowledged by the people-helper, they are then more
prepared and equipped to come alongside those who have more difficult addictions,
and respond more appropriately, and with more understanding.
This book impacted me in many ways. I'm quite familiar with alcohol addiction in
particular. It helps me to view
addiction in the way May describes it.
Several of my family members were raised in residential schools. In that segment of the family, there is a lot
of alcoholism. My mother's brother was a
wino, a tin cup full of wine at all times, a mouth full of rotten teeth, but a
happy disposition. My maternal
grandfather was one of those who become ugly and violent when he drank. His twin brother died after drinking
antifreeze that had been stored in a beer bottle. It's sad to think of how much pain these
people must have been in to allow themselves to become something so radically
diametric to what God had created them to be.
My mom didn't seem to inherit that particular addiction, but she did
marry an alcoholic – my dad. There's not
a lot to say about that, other than it (the addiction) is partially responsible
for his absence in my life in general. I
suppose absence is somewhat better than the trauma of living with an alcoholic,
yet it is still damaging. In looking at
his history, it's easy to see why he would turn to something to alleviate the
pain. His dad was a pedophile. Very few in that segment of my family have not
been affected by that, but there are even fewer who have the courage to
remember and/or admit it. Most of them
are addicted to their JW cult.
It was previously easy to be judgmental and
critical of these and other members of my family, and even more so to
outsiders. However, I have come to
appreciate the kind of pain that leads one to choose such addictions. I would say that many in my family are indeed
enslaved; paternal relatives to their JW cult, dad is a slave to the bottle,
mom is a slave to her Body Dysmorphic Disorder, my ex-husband is a slave to his
job and stress. It seems very sad to me
to think that they are so enslaved. And
this enslavement, in turn, creates painful situations for those close to them,
which has the potential to cause another environment that is ripe for an
addiction to start.
The reason it is so sad, is because the
addictions that people become enslaved to wall off the God given giftedness,
talents, and loving heart that is inside each one of us. Take my maternal grandfather, for
example. By the time I came along, he
had already made the decision to quit drinking.
I only knew him as this lovely, doting grandfather, who was kind and a
little shy. But my grandmother, my mom
and her siblings knew him to be a monster. Before my time, he drank frequently, and took
to beating my grandmother repeatedly, and even chasing my mother with a
knife. I believe he went to residential
school, and I wonder what kind of experiences he had as a child that gave him
the propensity to drink so often.
Perhaps if he had been able to stay away from the booze, he would have
been the kind person back then that I knew him to be. Maybe he would have been a loving and
protective husband and father. Perhaps
my uncle and aunt wouldn't have taken to the drink themselves as a result of
the trauma they experienced because of him.
Maybe my mom wouldn't have felt the familiar yet subconscious
inclination to choose an alcoholic for a husband. Perhaps there would have been a legacy of
health and kindness, instead of abuse and addiction.
Another area where addiction has affected me is
in relating to my former husband. I had
felt for many years that he was a workaholic, and the book pretty much confirms
that this is true. But what I also
learned is how a person can be addicted to stress. I could never make sense of his stress
levels, and why he couldn't relax or sleep at night. For the longest time, he blamed me, and I believed
him. I tried a lot of different ways of
helping him. But when or if I was able
to eliminate one stress trigger for a time, his stress level didn't change
because he found other things to be stressed about. Now I see that because of the way the brain
responds to stress chemicals, it would be nearly impossible for him to chill
out, or relax. His brain cells would be
crying out for their fix.
May explains very accurately how all these
stress addiction dynamics play out. I
remember experiencing a lot of loneliness in the marriage because he was always
running around finding things to do instead of spending time with me. “Thus the person who is trying to settle down
may find himself becoming increasingly anxious, looking around for something to
do, and not experiencing the rest and relaxation he had hoped for.” “A severely stress-addicted person can thus
be in a completely no win situation, becoming increasingly fatigued but at the
same time increasingly uncomfortable with any situation that might offer rest”
(88). I didn't fully understand how he
could choose leaving us rather than deal with some of these issues. Reading this book has certainly helped me
understand how the addicted person can be in such denial. “If a hint of the truth of the addiction
should find it's way into awareness, either through an unguarded moment of self
reflection or because another person points it out, other mechanisms come into
play. The addicted person will change
the subject, reject it out of hand, or conveniently forget to pursue it”
(44-45).
I really related to the stories of Jim and Jean. Jim reminds me of my former husband, and Jean
reminds me of what I once was. “Jim, a man of
moderation in all things except his work.
Addicted to his own sense of responsibility and need to perform, he
worries constantly about money and security.”
“Jean is addicted to her relationship with her husband, who berates and
belittles her at every opportunity.
Friends who have witnessed this tell her to stand up to him, but the
very thought of threatening the relationship fills her with panic” (21). Yes, I was addicted to the relationship with
my husband. I know exactly why: my
parents are divorced, and I swore to myself that I would never allow that to
happen to me. When things didn't pan
out, I worked harder. I can see how I
became obsessed with finding the solution.
It's not unlike the gambler, who just “knows” that if she keeps putting
the coins into the slot, eventually it will pay off. I never really saw that about myself
before. After all, working on saving a
marriage is quite a “noble” task to undertake.
Then, to take it further, I got saved.
Now I was sure this was to be the elusive answer to all of the
problems. God would surely come
to my aid if I just kept the faith, and prayed enough. Even when I was jumping through all the
spiritual hoops I could find, I didn't see how addicted I was to finding the
answer.
So now I see, at least in part, my own addictive
nature. I believe it's worth seeing, and
not being in denial about it, even though it is a little disturbing. I am also aware of the possibility that there
are other addictions that I have that I am not ready to see. I'm pretty sure that God has a good reason
for helping me be aware of such dynamics in my own life. This isn't just a study of how to identify
addictions in others. “Even when we know
that our hunger is for God alone, we will still be looking for loopholes... we
naturally look for the least painful ways of living” (93). Ouch!
Is there any hope then for someone like me? “Is it possible that the heart can begin an act
of consecration while the mind is still wondering what it's all about?”
(161). I think so.
I've been learning how to hang in there with
myself and with God, “learning (my) mind tricks by experiencing how they defeat
(me)” (166). And I just quit. I quit everything that wasn't working. The marriage ended, and I don't go to church
so much. Now that there is an empty
space where those addictions used to be, I am finding that my relationships are
getting better. I feel closer with my
kids this year than I ever have. I have
allowed a new person to share his heart with mine as I slowly move forward into
this new life ahead of me. I have
several new friends, and I have time and energy to attend college full
time. It was really hard to see how much
“space” those addictions filled up until they were gone. I've even started talking to God again. We used to talk all the time, and when I quit
everything, I think I quit Him too in a sense.
I knew He understood more about what I was going through than I did, and
that was enough for me during that time period.
His grace is much deeper than the pit I was trying to climb out of, and
it extends for longer periods of time, certainly longer than I can last!
These days, I don't try so hard. I choose to be content with who I am, and be
honest to God about my life, including addictions. “I also try to turn to God while I am
engaging in addictive behaviors... I
cannot honestly pray to be freed from the behavior; I really do not want to
give it up. At the very least, however,
I can wordlessly turn to God as if to say, 'See? This is who I am'” (168). I am still acceptable to God as I am, but
it's probably easier for Him to speak to me when my addictions aren't in the
way.
