Free Dinner

I work at a retreat once or twice a year. It's called Rachel's Vineyard. Look it up.

It's a retreat to help people grieve the loss of their unborn children - children that have been aborted. I've been involved for about 6 years now. It's pretty fulfilling, helping people grieve their loss, and see how they feel lighter and free-er after doing some deep emotional work for themselves. It's a good thing. It's not for everyone, but for those who feel the need, it's a really great program.

Anyways, there is a team building meeting today. And they are feeding us Asian Food... yummy!!!

And today is my last day of classes, then exams. I'm starting to settle into things at school - yep it took this long. LOL The counseling helped.

And I gave up on the idea that I was going to get ALL my reading done. LOL I'm only one person, and I have a busy life.

It's super windy today. And cold.

Random thoughts abound this morning. But I feel great. Even though Aunt Flo is visiting. I had no PMS, not emotional outbursts (or inbursts - lol) no anxiety attacks, so yay! hehe Thank God for that! I got a month off. hehe

Well, I gotta run. I'm meeting up with my group from class to finish our group project. We are looking at some different aspects of physical disabilities. Like if you are disabled and female, or disabled and gay, or disabled and aboriginal - stuff like that. I don't know if there is a way to upload it on here, but I can try later maybe.

Hope you all have a great day. Make sure you get your coffee! hehe

Friend?

I have a friend. She is a single mom too.

She became friends with my boyfriend on facebook. They had mild, funny "banter" on there, and that seemed fine.

Until...

She asked him to do an estimate on some work that was needed at her house. He has his own business doing home renovations and repair work.

When he said he could come over on the weekend to take a look at it, she said,

"Oh, I'm so happy, I could just kiss you!"

He said, "I think my girlfriend would have something to say about that."

She said, "That's ok, we just won't tell her."

Yep, really.

And I don't care if she was kidding.

My boyfriend stopped talking with her altogether, and told me what she said.

And I haven't really spoken to her either.

I've had other guys banter with me here and there. But I think there is a line that you just don't cross. I had to tell a guy once that I didn't want him commenting on anything anymore, and that I didn't want to speak or banter with him, because he had a thing with one of my best friends. Because I respect her, and I place a priority on my friendship with her.

And I am so happy to be with a man (Yes, a MAN, not a guy, or a dude, but a MAN) who places a priority on our relationship, and couldn't be bothered dealing with people who are disrespectful like that.

Even if she was just joking.

Because that is something *I* would never joke about. Ever. Ever...

He told me about it when it first happened, but I kinda forgot about it. We were speaking about it again, and well, it stuck with me this time. It's just not cool. It bothers me.

That's why I'm writing here. This is where I get things out there, a way to express it and brush it off. That's right, you've been brushed off, girl. I don't have time for that kind of bullshit. I'm nearly 42, and I am just not interested in making nice with flakes anymore.

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Time for Counsel?

I am talking too much. Its not not the talking that is bad, its the content.

I realized the other day that I really can't stop talking about the ex. I've been trying to set aside the anger, but you know what's under that, right? Fucking pain. I thought I was getting over it until last year when my son revealed that his dad had hit him in the leg. I just decided to allow myself to HATE that man. It felt great to finally unleash my venom for a while. It was good in some ways. You think you can threaten to stop paying me? Fuck you, now you're on maintenance enforcement and will go to fucking jail if you do that. You think you can hit our son and get away with it? Fuck you, sent you an official letter threatening to get authorities involved if you don't straighten up. I was just tired of the bullying, and I fought back a little. Enough is enough.

But then my honey helped me realize that i was devoting way too much energy into hating this dickhead. So I've been trying to still stand my ground, peacefully, and redirect the energy towards more positive things, like my most important relationships with my boyfriend, my kids, and focus on school and such.

I made friends with a lady in one of my classes, and we were chatting and suddenly, I realized that I was once again monopolizing the conversation with crap about the ex. I said to her, I think I better look into WHY I still feel driven to talk about this so much. Obviously I'm not "over" this like I think I should be. Argh"

Then I went to church today, and got aggravated there too. I didn't go to "my" church. But still. I found myself reeling and writing a rant about it, and later in the day, I had an anxiety attack, wth heart palpatations, crying, and nausea. It's not just the church stuff tho, it's an accumulation of crap. It just makes me so angry, but again, under the anger is pain. Lots of it.

The ex is gonna try to make us sell the house. He wants money, but moreso, he wants to disrupt our lives, and make it hard for me. He doesn't give a rats ass about the kids... or me. How could I have stayed with a man like that for 15 years? He was getting meaner and meaner. I'm still perplexed at how smeone who knows me so well, could hate me so much. I hate the guy too, but not all the time. For my own sake I try to see the good so I can let it go. I think if he died, or if I never had to see him again, at all, ever, or ever hear from him or about him, maybe I could move on. But every thing he does, and the way he does it, communicates in this sinister way how much he fucking hates me. I'm a strong person, but I'm not a stone! It hurts... alot.

So, today I pulled out all the stops. I contacted 3 individuals. The first one was one of my professors at bible college. He was also the school counselor. I got to know him well and I trust him. Then there is a social worker whose office is nearby. My son and I saw her a few years back when the marriage was falling apart. She really helped me see a few things, helped me put together some of the puzzle pieces that I hadn't been able to see. Then there is someone new. One of my current professors recommended her to me in email tonight, so I just emailed her too.

I just spent a lot of time crying today, and feeling like crap because of feeling emotionally unstable. But I took a lorazapam and watched a movie, so I'm calm once again and can think clearly. For the moment. But I know that I need to dig a little deeper than that so I can get some of that crap off of my shoulders for good, and build myself back up again.

Even my honey says that while I'm the youngest looking 41 year old he knows, I tend to look my age when I'm stressed. He's right.... He's great to talk to, has good insight, but I think I need other perspectives to help me get there.

I need to drop off some of my baggage, and perhaps shed some tears. It's something I haven't done in a LONG time. It's time...

Another Reverend Lovejoy

I went to a church today.

I don't go to church services much these days. When I do, it's not at the place I used to consider my "church family". I've worked out most of my differences with most of the people there. I'm glad about that. I really liked those people, and I miss them. But not enough to subject myself to certain intolerances and discriminations by certain people within that body of believers. No thanks. I've never been one to "throw the baby out with the bathwater", so to speak, but in this case, one can only take so much before you throw everything out the window, including the towel.

So after months and months, maybe it's been a year, I don't know, but I went today. I've been to this church a couple of times before and I really liked it. But today, it just irritated me. I won't say the name of the church, because they are new, and "finding themselves", so they don't have a pastor, and they have a different guest speaker every week. So I think it's hit and miss sometimes. I'd say today was a "miss", at least for me.

It was your typical older man, suit and tie, with a conservative mindset to match. He had is radio voice on, and his calculated mannerisms. And of course, his sermon is one that is heard across churches throughout this contenent. Patriarachal guilt mostly, about how we must remember to put God first, and church first, and bible college first. But no, we ignorant and silly people continue to seek education with the focus of making money, and our focus is on our jobs, and our possessions and our outfits (said the man in his spiffy suit). We hope for this and we hope for that, but we forget about our great hope in heaven. And he pulled out story after story to drive the same point home over and over again. It was so redundant, I started to mentally check out.

Just another typical sermon, by a typical, white, middle class conservative male. Nothing new or interesting here.

(Cue the adult voice from any Charlie Brown cartoon)

But I became especially irritated when he mentioned the young person who died by suicide from Providence College last year. He mentioned speaking to the parents of this young person, and how even though they had wave after wave of blackness overwhelming them after they lost their child, they still had that ultimate hope. Ok, if that IS true for them, then I am glad, because I can't think of anything worse than losing a child, and especially losing one that way so I'm glad they found something to hold onto. However, what irritated me was that this kids death was minimized by the speaker. If we're gonna talk about hope, why can't we look at why that person lost their hope? Or even generally, what causes someone to lose all of their hope? There is a gap in the church's knowledge of WHY this happens. We can't always fill that gap with pat answers like "maybe he didn't trust God enough" or some other such corn starch filler. We may not know why people choose suicide sometimes, but I can guarantee you, there is ALWAYS a reason. Maybe he had a mood disorder, maybe he lost a friend, maybe he was failing school, maybe he was molested, or maybe he was verbally and emotionally beaten into the ground for years and just couldn't take it anymore. NONE of that was addressed or even acknowledged. Not only that, but even the grief of the parents was minimized to the pat answer of their "hope in the Lord". Not only was it minimized, but it was exploited by the speaker, to provide drama to a very mundane sermon. Shame on you!

There's nothing wrong with holding onto hope in the Lord. Sometimes, it can feel like that's all you have, and that's when it really counts in your life. I've definately been there. But "Reverend Lovejoy" didn't inspire any of that (or anything else) in me. I wonder if anyone else felt that way?

There is an article about this tragedy

(about the boy who died by suicide, not the sermon).

You can view it here:

http://www.christianweek.org/features.php?id=62

I just wish there were more people offering sermons that actually mean something. I'm so tired of arrogant fluff. I have heard a few good sermons, but they are few and far between. *sigh*

Stress Reduction

I nearly gave away the family dog today. Seriously...

Picture #1 - This is Daisy sleeping beside my leg with her legs in the air. LOL

Picture #2 - This is me with a migraine headache, and Daisy is keeping me company.

Picture #3 - This is Daisy begging for help to get onto my daughter's bed.

First reason:

When I was a kid growing up, we lived in a lot of filth. Mom was (is) a hoarder. Add to that all of the various pets we've had over the years, and it was really awful. I love my mom and she has tons of great qualities. She cares about people, and she is very generous to name a couple. But this is an area where she struggles. Always has and probably always will. I understand it to be a type of illness, rather than a personality trait. Sufficed to say that, while living in that situation, there was lots of stuff, and lots of animal "waste" about the house. This kind of thing makes my brain short circuit, perhaps more than the average person, because it's SO triggering when I have an animal who makes the occasional mess. So this dog, she has been making messes in my room. And I completely renovated my room, new paint, new laminate flooring in place of the carpet. She seems to be drawn to carpet, but even if she does mess on my floor, I can at least clean it sufficiently. *sigh* .

Second reason:

The dog belongs to my 13 year old daughter. She has not been helping with the dog in quite some time. It's apparently "gross" to clean up after her. She is happy to allow me (the one who is triggered my animal waste, so I clean it up fast) to clean it for her. I am happy to take care of the dog on the weekends when she is at her dad's, but I feel that she needs to be on top of letting her out, and all the rest.

Third reason:

My personal stress levels are quite high, but they are manageable most of the time. I shoulder much - no ALL of the responsibility for things here. Even if I am not doing the dishes, I still delegate that work to the kids. So, if I ask a kid to do their chore, and they resist, that stresses me. So much so that if I am already stressed, I won't bother even asking because I don't want to deal with the argument that ensues. Add to that paying bills on time, attending University, house and yard care, feeding kids, clothing them, making sure they are doing ok in school and otherwise. Then there is still the pending divorce which isn't finished yet... it all adds up.

Something's gotta give.

So I had a talk with both of my kids and my niece. They never realize how much stress I have because I'm good at managing it. But it doesn't take much to push those levels into the red.

So, we're keeping the dog (for now) on a trial basis. I am keeping the number of the lady I found to give her a new home in case I change my mind.

My son wants money to drive here and there and I said no. If he wants money, I would definately love to give him money, if he becomes more helpful in reducing my stress. Taking the garbage out would be one of those things, for example. He has the choice: be more helpful and I'll throw a little cash his way. Do nothing and I give nothing. He can either work for me, or get a job, but I am not going to just supply him with cash willy nilly.

I find it stressful to take a stand. But sometimes knowing that doing nothing is going to be more stressful is enough motivation to take that stand. LOL

Hopefully this will help. And in the meantime, life marches on. :D

Revenge

Becoming a Social Worker

I really am excited about becoming a social worker. It's the perfect fit for me. It's basically a degree that allows me to be paid for the way I naturally am with people.

I was reading a case study today for one of my classes. The way the worker handled things is pretty much how I would have done it. She chose to become relateable, to find common ground with the client in order to gain trust.

Isn't that what every person needs? I know that it really helped me to connect with a social worker around the time that I decided to leave my husband. I was so stuck in "Christianity" that I couldn't see my way out of a very emotionally abusive marriage. Christianity, as I understood it then, severely limited what I thought I could and could not do. I just wanted to be good. (Doesn't that sound little-girlish?) I thought if I could be good enough, things would work out for me. But it just wasn't happening. And in speaking with the Social Worker, she really helped me at a critical time, to finally make that decision. That isn't to say that I didn't also have other supports. I have a very good friendship with a couple who counseled me through some very deep dark things. But this blog is about Social Work, and becoming a Social Worker.

A social worker is a person who is trained to help all of the available systems and supports in the clients life to work together in harmony, towards a healthier goal to increase the quality of their life. My SW identified my strengths right away, and pointed them out to me. And she was great with my son, who was struggling quite a bit at the time. Every social work class that I'm taking continues to affirm that this is what I'm meant to do. I am enjoying this educational part of my life journey very much.