I realized the other day that I really can't stop talking about the ex. I've been trying to set aside the anger, but you know what's under that, right? Fucking pain. I thought I was getting over it until last year when my son revealed that his dad had hit him in the leg. I just decided to allow myself to HATE that man. It felt great to finally unleash my venom for a while. It was good in some ways. You think you can threaten to stop paying me? Fuck you, now you're on maintenance enforcement and will go to fucking jail if you do that. You think you can hit our son and get away with it? Fuck you, sent you an official letter threatening to get authorities involved if you don't straighten up. I was just tired of the bullying, and I fought back a little. Enough is enough.
But then my honey helped me realize that i was devoting way too much energy into hating this dickhead. So I've been trying to still stand my ground, peacefully, and redirect the energy towards more positive things, like my most important relationships with my boyfriend, my kids, and focus on school and such.
I made friends with a lady in one of my classes, and we were chatting and suddenly, I realized that I was once again monopolizing the conversation with crap about the ex. I said to her, I think I better look into WHY I still feel driven to talk about this so much. Obviously I'm not "over" this like I think I should be. Argh"
Then I went to church today, and got aggravated there too. I didn't go to "my" church. But still. I found myself reeling and writing a rant about it, and later in the day, I had an anxiety attack, wth heart palpatations, crying, and nausea. It's not just the church stuff tho, it's an accumulation of crap. It just makes me so angry, but again, under the anger is pain. Lots of it.
The ex is gonna try to make us sell the house. He wants money, but moreso, he wants to disrupt our lives, and make it hard for me. He doesn't give a rats ass about the kids... or me. How could I have stayed with a man like that for 15 years? He was getting meaner and meaner. I'm still perplexed at how smeone who knows me so well, could hate me so much. I hate the guy too, but not all the time. For my own sake I try to see the good so I can let it go. I think if he died, or if I never had to see him again, at all, ever, or ever hear from him or about him, maybe I could move on. But every thing he does, and the way he does it, communicates in this sinister way how much he fucking hates me. I'm a strong person, but I'm not a stone! It hurts... alot.
So, today I pulled out all the stops. I contacted 3 individuals. The first one was one of my professors at bible college. He was also the school counselor. I got to know him well and I trust him. Then there is a social worker whose office is nearby. My son and I saw her a few years back when the marriage was falling apart. She really helped me see a few things, helped me put together some of the puzzle pieces that I hadn't been able to see. Then there is someone new. One of my current professors recommended her to me in email tonight, so I just emailed her too.
I just spent a lot of time crying today, and feeling like crap because of feeling emotionally unstable. But I took a lorazapam and watched a movie, so I'm calm once again and can think clearly. For the moment. But I know that I need to dig a little deeper than that so I can get some of that crap off of my shoulders for good, and build myself back up again.
Even my honey says that while I'm the youngest looking 41 year old he knows, I tend to look my age when I'm stressed. He's right.... He's great to talk to, has good insight, but I think I need other perspectives to help me get there.
I need to drop off some of my baggage, and perhaps shed some tears. It's something I haven't done in a LONG time. It's time...
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