Abuse

I had thought that even though things have never been good with the Ex, I should still try to be nice. I was going to opt out of the maintenance enforcement program, since he is fairly regular with payments. But he also threatenes to reneg when I spend money in a way that he doesn't approve of (he never approves). Anyways, last night I found out that he is hitting our son. Punched him in the leg, gave him a Charlie Horse. FUCK.

I'm not doing that abusive asshole ANY favors. I am going to look into having him charged for this. No more hoping that the abuse is over, it will NEVER be over without him going into some intensive therapy. He obviously does NOT have the wherewithal to choose to stop.

Plus I have to see him today, in court. The fun never ends... And the kids are supposed to see him this weekend. I am worried that he will allow whatever happens in court to bother him enough to be a jerk this weekend.

Dear Ex Husband

Dear Ex Husband...

*Content removed in the interest of accommodating my ex-husband's hurt feelings over finding my blog.

Snow again

In like a lion, and out like a lamb.. right?

It's very lion-esque out there tonight. I had an evening class tonight, and when I was done, all hell was breaking loose with the weather. I tried to drive home, which is a half hour down country hiways, but the weather is too severe. It rained, then that turned to snow. Winds up to 80km/hr. So everything is covered in ice and snow, especially the roads. And it's snowing like crazy, and the wind is blowing it around so hard. It's insane.

At one point, I was looking at the side of the hiway to see where the edge was so I didn't go in the ditch. I was going less than 5km/hr. Insane. I saw SO many cars in the ditch. I was glad to get back to S-town. Yes indeed.

So, not wanting to bother anyone, and liking to have my own space, I tried to get a hotel room. They are all FULL. So.. I imposed. I stopped in at the girls dorm at school and asked if there was somewhere I could bunk for the night.

SO here I am.

I have a class at 9am (yes on a saturday) so now I"m nice and close. I won't miss the class because of the weather.

And hopefully, by 4pm, when the class is over, the storm will also be over, and the plows and sand/salt trucks will have been out and I can drive safely home. That will be nice.

My poor dog... lol Ah well, she is warm and safe. lol

G'night y'all!

Dear Ex-Husband

Hey there, fans of mine (I know there's at least a couple! haha). There are things that come up and I have no place to put them. I can't say it on facebook where other people can see... that is, my children, predominantly, but I have been quite selective about keeping them OFF of here so that I have a place to talk about single mom stuff... So I was driving home from a class tonight, thinking about all the things I'd like to say to my ex husband, the father of my children that he either can't or won't hear, and if I were to say them to him, it would just create more animosity I think. I've pretty much given up on the idea of that... so I've decided to vent them here.

Dear Ex Husband,

*Content removed in the interest of keeping the peace.

____________________________________________________

And this has been another episode of "Adventures of a Single Mom" LOL

Standing in Faith

I've noticed that a few people have unfriended me on facebook. These particular people happen to be students at the Bible College I attend. It doesn't bother me that they did, but I do wonder why.

Perhaps they were just cleaning out the clutter and I was just an aquaintance and therefore, expendable. Nothing wrong with that. But I know that I am one of those unconventional christians. You will hear a curse word escape from my lips under certain circumstances, I have friends who come from backgrounds that are "other" than Christian or Mennonite. We chat about lots of topics, many of which would be considered taboo in the Christian society that I abide in on a regular basis at school and at church. (Did I mention that I'm also divorced, and have one child out of wedlock? lol)

I would never claim to have everything all worked out when it comes to relationships with people or my relationship with God, but y'know, I feel quite grounded, tyvm. I have the ability to converse and relate to many different kinds of people, from many different walks of life. A mental illness, being a person of homosexual orientation, being divorced (however many times), whatever the culture, race, religion - I don't care about all that. Are you a person, whom I believe is created in the image of the God I serve - YES. Therefore, I shall treat you with the dignity that I feel every image bearer deserves, regardless.

So yes, you will see me out dancing at clubs with my friends. You will see me have a glass of wine with dinner. I will make crass jokes now and then, and I will kiss my boyfriend (even though I don't have a legal document stating I'm divorced). Crossing all your T's and dotting all your I's won't guarantee you a spot at the Lord's table. He's gonna ask you, "Where were you when I was struggling with my sexual identity?" and you will say "Lord, when were YOU of all people, struggling with your sexual identity?" And He will reply, "Surely I say to you, when that gay man needed a friend to talk to, that was ME. For that which you have done to the least of these, surely you have done it to Me." Do you think the Lord is gonna tolerate your excuses about how the bible says that homosexuality is an abombination? Surely a lack of love is a much greater abombination. (You could replace sexual identity with any of the other above mentioned things...)

To those of you who are Christians, and you wonder about me and why, as a Christian, I do the things I do. Here's why. Because Jesus did the same thing. That's not the sole reason, but it's an important one. If anything, being more out there in the world has given me a greater love for it. There are too many Christians that have a distain for the world, because they are scared - scared of being tainted by it. Um, hello, "For God so loved the World..." John 3:16. As a result, many people whose lives I've touched have gotten a taste of Jesus. It happened when a friend and her husband were splitting up. She had the POD out front and I was there to help her load it up. Her hubby came by, and we chatted, the 3 of us. They decided to stay together and work some things out. That's Jesus. I have some single mom friends who have had to go through some serious crap, and I am one of the friends they can go to in confidentiality, to share those burdens. That's Jesus. One of my friends felt safe to share with me that she has a mood disorder. I work at MDAM, so she knows I get it. That's like Jesus, He gets it! I could list SO many more things.

But you know what? It's pretty cool but being "out there" in the world, having friendships with all kinds of different people, it really hasn't thwarted my faith in God at all. In fact, it's strengthened. And I am not afraid of losing my Christianity by being out there either. "Let them be won over without words." I don't preach. I live. I walk. I listen. I'm open. Divine moments happen. It proves to me more and more that this is where I'm meant to be.

So, if you or your faith is bothered by anything you may see me doing or saying (here on facebook or anywhere else), one thing you could do is ask me about it. Or you could unfriend me. lol If your faith is really that weak that you must distance yourself from the abombination that is me, so be it. Enjoy your whitewashed tomb.

I mean no offense to anyone by any of this. It's just some random thoughts about the subject. I mean really, what are you ruled by, fear? Or faith?

My New Man

Yes, I have a new man. I know I mentioned that I missed the last man whom I allowed into my good graces. I said he was sexy. Erg... I guess he is in some ways, but truthfully, there's nothing sexy about being disrespected.

The man I am currently seeing is so wonderful that he's really more than surpassed anything that I have previously experienced. There's so much that I could say, but I'd hate to bore you with my drivel, hehe. Really, everything that I think and feel for this man is unexplainable. Sufficed to say that he respects me and defends me like none other, and he a is very passionate, strong and intelligent individual. We "get" each other. It's profound...

But if you really wanna hear his heart for me, check out this amazing song that he wrote for me (see below). Any woman recieving a song like this would swoon. When I heard it, it was early in the romantic segment of our relationship (we've been friends for a while). It stopped me in my tracks because I realized that he was in love with me already at that point. It touched my heart, yet scared the crap out of me. But you know, I don't run away from things that scare me anymore, I face them. I wasn't scared of this man, I was scared to fall in love.




Allowing him to love me, and allowing myself to fall in love with him has been a wonderful thing thus far. We have so many things in common, and as we get to know each other more and more, we are able to relax more. It's hard when you've been through a divorce (or 2 in his case) to relax into a relationship. But I think it has alot to do with the ability to be open and honest with each other, so that you can build up trust with each other.

That song is great, isn't it?

Soap Box Rantings on a Sunday Morning

I am feeling a bit of inner struggle this morning. It has to do with going to church. It's not that I don't like church anymore, I do. But I guess I'm just currently feeling like it's meaningless.

It's weird how something I found so profoundly meaningful has now become so drab. And it's not because it IS drab, but it's more because of the experiences I've had there in the last few years since I separated from my husband. Yet, even though those experiences are mostly water under the bridge now, I still find it a struggle to have motivation to attend church. I didn't attend for two years because of the things that were said to me in my most vulnerable and painful moments, when I really needed my church family. But I have since spoken to each of the offending parties, and most of what has transpired in the past has been looked at and talked about to my satisfaction and to theirs I think, and it's been forgiven. Thus, I began to feel emotionally safe enough to begin attending regularly again.

There are still a couple of ongoing situations that are small, yet significant, that still cause me to have my guard up. I was invited to speak about divorce at church since I have first hand, pertinent information that could be useful and helpful for less experienced individuals. Understanding is the first step, and I am in a position to help others understand. Not JUST because I am going through it, but I feel that I have earned the right to speak to a christian audience because A. I've been a Christian for almost 11 years, and B. I am attending a Bible College, one that is sanctioned and supported by this particular church. Others who have attended this particular Bible College are joyfully asked to share their newfound knowledge with our church family in the form of sermons. These particular individuals are also male.

So yes I was invited to speak, and I felt that was particularly significant in light of these factors. I asked that I be contacted once my exams were completed last year as I felt too busy. I was assured that this would happen. It did not. I waited 6 months for that to happen, and it did not. Finally, during Adult Sunday school, the said parties involved in this were in my sharing group. The topic was "offense". After being encouraged to share something I had felt particularly offended about, I shared that I was offended that I had been invited to speak about divorce, but that I had not been followed up on. The individual apologised for the oversight, asked for forgiveness, then proceeded to tell me that he didn't remember ever inviting me to speak. He also said that he felt that I was still too angry to speak about it. Then he said that perhaps once I was actually divorced, THEN I'd have more ability to speak on it. Apparently, since I am still in the process of GETTING divorced, that I'm still not quite qualified. I should also add that I found Divorce Care on my own. (www.divorcecare.com) DC is a ministry to help Christians who are journeying through divorce. I took their 13 week classes twice. I had even felt that it might be pertinent to find a way to bring it to our church too. (That's another point to be expounded upon later). Still, I am not qualified? Really? Ok then, if that's true, I can live with that - BUT - why then are there no OTHER individuals who ARE fully divorced and have moved forward in their lives speaking about this? They are just as qualified as me, and I guess to some they are MORE qualified than me since they have that piece of paper.

So I guess I feel ambivalent about church these days, and this is a big part of that.

Another thing is that my kids aren't interested in church at all. And frankly I don't blame them. I think my church does their best, and they aren't bad people or anything, but my kids are bored to death with church and Sunday School. I really don't want them having such a negative experience of church. I'm not saying it has to always be entertaining and perfect, but it should at least be RELEVANT to them at least some of the time. And they are just way to smart to be brainwashed into overlooking hypocrisy. I'm not speaking specifically about MY church here, but there are aspects in all of christianity and in some of their personal relationships where this said hypocrisy is RAMPANT - and they see right through it. This causes them to distance themselves even more to the idea that Jesus died for them and the depth of what that means. And frankly, I don't blame them. I think they desire something meanngful, relevant, authentic and genuine. Going through the motions of dotting every "I" and crossing every "T" isn't enough. Praying at every meal and doing devotions every morning to ensure you're doing all the right "things" isn't enough. There needs to be a relevant reason WHY. And I'm glad that they think that way, because when they find that reason for themselves where Jesus is concerned, it will be a real, authentic and meaningful experience for them, and not just another hamster wheel.

But in the meantime, we are where we are. There'a a part of me that wants to stay with this church because of the good things that happened for me in the past. But then there's a part of me that sometimes feels that maybe it's time to move on. I'm glad that I've done alot of reconciling there with people, but it is difficult for me to continue to feel put down because I am going through a divorce and because I'm Female. You know, if I REALLY felt that God wanted it that way I think I could live with that. But attending Bible College has really helped me see more clearly my worth and value as an individual in the Kingdom of God AS a WOMAN. I don't think it has to be ME preaching from the pulpit, but I'd just like to see an equal OPPORTUNITY for women in general to participate in ministry according to their GIFTEDNESS, not their gender. Men will probably continue to dominate the numbers because women often keep busy caring for children and such, which I agree with totally, but my point is that the OPPORTUNITY should be there. I don't know, I guess I sometimes feel like I've outgrown this church family. I wonder about the possibility of finding a place where my kids find something interesting and relevant to them. I feel secure in my faith, perhaps it's time to invest in finding an authentically relevant place where they can discover Jesus for themselves. Perhaps...

I understand that gender is irrelevant when it comes to loving God and Him loving you back.
I understand that brokenness is irrelevant too, that is to say it's irrelevant to God's ability and capacity to love you where you are at in your life journey.
I understand that if we were required to meet the said criteria (which is different for every church and it even differs within each church) before being allowed to perform acts of ministry in any capacity, there would be none that could qualify.
I understand that God's love is not dependant upon whether you went to church this morning or not.
I understand that being authentically and genuinely YOU is more pleasing to God than fitting into any mold made by someone else.
I understand that treating others with kindness and understanding (WWJD?) goes much farther than showing them the 7 steps to this and the 10 ways to do that.
I understand that my children have their own journey when it comes to knowing and understanding God. I don't need to push them, or orchestrate anything. To do so is insulting to both them AND God because I am essentially getting in the way and thwarting the process. I am just here to provide love and support and perhaps some wisdom along the way.

So I don't look at what's happening here and think that I'm "backsliding", though I'm sure there are some, or many, that think that I am. But I know I've definately stepped back to contemplate the meaning of it all, and how that can apply, or how it no longer applies to my life. When your house of cards comes tumbling down, it causes you to step back and observe the damage. What went wrong, and why. Questioning things is a sacred process. I believe it's a divine process. I wasn't designed to follow the lemmings over the cliff. I was designed to be able to reason, discern, observe, make choices and all of that. God created me that way. It's a good thing to question why things are the way they are and to make changes in one's life that seem appropriate. It's the foundation of the Mennonite Faith, the foundation of the Lutheran faith - they questioned the status quo and made choices accordingly. They were being authentic and genuine, they were observing injustice and hypocrisy and wanting something better, something that was more meaningful and relevant. So you may think I'm a backslider, but really, I'm following in the footsteps of some very brave forefathers in the faith.

So, cut me some slack. Cuz if you don't, then I guess you'll be cut out of my life. I don't have time or energy to spend on justifying myself to the naysayers and judgemental people who have obviously not invested any of their time or heart into any aspects of my life. (If you have made the effort, believe me, you are NOT on this list of people! Yes I am taking notes - LOL)

Is it really essential for people to be in 100% agreement with each other in order to have a meaningful friendship or relationship on any level? I think not. I can handle it if you don't agree with some of the things that I believe. Can you?