Soap Box Rantings on a Sunday Morning

I am feeling a bit of inner struggle this morning. It has to do with going to church. It's not that I don't like church anymore, I do. But I guess I'm just currently feeling like it's meaningless.

It's weird how something I found so profoundly meaningful has now become so drab. And it's not because it IS drab, but it's more because of the experiences I've had there in the last few years since I separated from my husband. Yet, even though those experiences are mostly water under the bridge now, I still find it a struggle to have motivation to attend church. I didn't attend for two years because of the things that were said to me in my most vulnerable and painful moments, when I really needed my church family. But I have since spoken to each of the offending parties, and most of what has transpired in the past has been looked at and talked about to my satisfaction and to theirs I think, and it's been forgiven. Thus, I began to feel emotionally safe enough to begin attending regularly again.

There are still a couple of ongoing situations that are small, yet significant, that still cause me to have my guard up. I was invited to speak about divorce at church since I have first hand, pertinent information that could be useful and helpful for less experienced individuals. Understanding is the first step, and I am in a position to help others understand. Not JUST because I am going through it, but I feel that I have earned the right to speak to a christian audience because A. I've been a Christian for almost 11 years, and B. I am attending a Bible College, one that is sanctioned and supported by this particular church. Others who have attended this particular Bible College are joyfully asked to share their newfound knowledge with our church family in the form of sermons. These particular individuals are also male.

So yes I was invited to speak, and I felt that was particularly significant in light of these factors. I asked that I be contacted once my exams were completed last year as I felt too busy. I was assured that this would happen. It did not. I waited 6 months for that to happen, and it did not. Finally, during Adult Sunday school, the said parties involved in this were in my sharing group. The topic was "offense". After being encouraged to share something I had felt particularly offended about, I shared that I was offended that I had been invited to speak about divorce, but that I had not been followed up on. The individual apologised for the oversight, asked for forgiveness, then proceeded to tell me that he didn't remember ever inviting me to speak. He also said that he felt that I was still too angry to speak about it. Then he said that perhaps once I was actually divorced, THEN I'd have more ability to speak on it. Apparently, since I am still in the process of GETTING divorced, that I'm still not quite qualified. I should also add that I found Divorce Care on my own. (www.divorcecare.com) DC is a ministry to help Christians who are journeying through divorce. I took their 13 week classes twice. I had even felt that it might be pertinent to find a way to bring it to our church too. (That's another point to be expounded upon later). Still, I am not qualified? Really? Ok then, if that's true, I can live with that - BUT - why then are there no OTHER individuals who ARE fully divorced and have moved forward in their lives speaking about this? They are just as qualified as me, and I guess to some they are MORE qualified than me since they have that piece of paper.

So I guess I feel ambivalent about church these days, and this is a big part of that.

Another thing is that my kids aren't interested in church at all. And frankly I don't blame them. I think my church does their best, and they aren't bad people or anything, but my kids are bored to death with church and Sunday School. I really don't want them having such a negative experience of church. I'm not saying it has to always be entertaining and perfect, but it should at least be RELEVANT to them at least some of the time. And they are just way to smart to be brainwashed into overlooking hypocrisy. I'm not speaking specifically about MY church here, but there are aspects in all of christianity and in some of their personal relationships where this said hypocrisy is RAMPANT - and they see right through it. This causes them to distance themselves even more to the idea that Jesus died for them and the depth of what that means. And frankly, I don't blame them. I think they desire something meanngful, relevant, authentic and genuine. Going through the motions of dotting every "I" and crossing every "T" isn't enough. Praying at every meal and doing devotions every morning to ensure you're doing all the right "things" isn't enough. There needs to be a relevant reason WHY. And I'm glad that they think that way, because when they find that reason for themselves where Jesus is concerned, it will be a real, authentic and meaningful experience for them, and not just another hamster wheel.

But in the meantime, we are where we are. There'a a part of me that wants to stay with this church because of the good things that happened for me in the past. But then there's a part of me that sometimes feels that maybe it's time to move on. I'm glad that I've done alot of reconciling there with people, but it is difficult for me to continue to feel put down because I am going through a divorce and because I'm Female. You know, if I REALLY felt that God wanted it that way I think I could live with that. But attending Bible College has really helped me see more clearly my worth and value as an individual in the Kingdom of God AS a WOMAN. I don't think it has to be ME preaching from the pulpit, but I'd just like to see an equal OPPORTUNITY for women in general to participate in ministry according to their GIFTEDNESS, not their gender. Men will probably continue to dominate the numbers because women often keep busy caring for children and such, which I agree with totally, but my point is that the OPPORTUNITY should be there. I don't know, I guess I sometimes feel like I've outgrown this church family. I wonder about the possibility of finding a place where my kids find something interesting and relevant to them. I feel secure in my faith, perhaps it's time to invest in finding an authentically relevant place where they can discover Jesus for themselves. Perhaps...

I understand that gender is irrelevant when it comes to loving God and Him loving you back.
I understand that brokenness is irrelevant too, that is to say it's irrelevant to God's ability and capacity to love you where you are at in your life journey.
I understand that if we were required to meet the said criteria (which is different for every church and it even differs within each church) before being allowed to perform acts of ministry in any capacity, there would be none that could qualify.
I understand that God's love is not dependant upon whether you went to church this morning or not.
I understand that being authentically and genuinely YOU is more pleasing to God than fitting into any mold made by someone else.
I understand that treating others with kindness and understanding (WWJD?) goes much farther than showing them the 7 steps to this and the 10 ways to do that.
I understand that my children have their own journey when it comes to knowing and understanding God. I don't need to push them, or orchestrate anything. To do so is insulting to both them AND God because I am essentially getting in the way and thwarting the process. I am just here to provide love and support and perhaps some wisdom along the way.

So I don't look at what's happening here and think that I'm "backsliding", though I'm sure there are some, or many, that think that I am. But I know I've definately stepped back to contemplate the meaning of it all, and how that can apply, or how it no longer applies to my life. When your house of cards comes tumbling down, it causes you to step back and observe the damage. What went wrong, and why. Questioning things is a sacred process. I believe it's a divine process. I wasn't designed to follow the lemmings over the cliff. I was designed to be able to reason, discern, observe, make choices and all of that. God created me that way. It's a good thing to question why things are the way they are and to make changes in one's life that seem appropriate. It's the foundation of the Mennonite Faith, the foundation of the Lutheran faith - they questioned the status quo and made choices accordingly. They were being authentic and genuine, they were observing injustice and hypocrisy and wanting something better, something that was more meaningful and relevant. So you may think I'm a backslider, but really, I'm following in the footsteps of some very brave forefathers in the faith.

So, cut me some slack. Cuz if you don't, then I guess you'll be cut out of my life. I don't have time or energy to spend on justifying myself to the naysayers and judgemental people who have obviously not invested any of their time or heart into any aspects of my life. (If you have made the effort, believe me, you are NOT on this list of people! Yes I am taking notes - LOL)

Is it really essential for people to be in 100% agreement with each other in order to have a meaningful friendship or relationship on any level? I think not. I can handle it if you don't agree with some of the things that I believe. Can you?