Life

Life is so fragile. We take it for granted everyday.

People are fragile too - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally... please handle with care...

Someone I know lost their daughter yesterday. Here is the blog about her: http://rachelamariah.blogspot.com/

I think there are so many people who are afraid to feel. Feeling means that not only do you get to feel the good stuff, but you also have to feel the bad. If I've learned anything in the past 10 years, it's to not run from suffering. Well, I still do sometimes, but less than I used to.

Keith was bugging me about being so jumpy during movies. LOL The truth is that there was a time when I NEVER jumped. I only got more jumpy AFTER I worked through the memories of abuse from my childhood. That abuse was so severe and traumatic, and the threats so strong to never tell, that I was shut down in many ways inside. Delving into those memories, horrific as they were, unlocked so many of these areas, allowing me to feel all of that pain again. But seeing and feeling the truth of what happened there also unlocked my ability to feel things in the present too! And that intense pain was allowed to seep out so that the infected wound could heal for real. I think that getting startled is a natural reflex that I now have back again. Even if I get lovingly teased about it, I'm glad it's there, because that's just one of many things that I can now feel - including to love and feel loved on a much deeper level.

It's because of this appreciation of being able to feel that I admire the choice made by the couple in the above mentioned post. They learned early on that their daughter had medical problems, at the 20 week ultrasound. They were strongly advised to abort her. Even knowing that this would be a very painful journey, They wanted her, and they wouldn't allow any person to make the decision about their child's life path. They left that up to God and walked that path step by step, never knowing if that day would be their last with her. She surprisingly survived the birth, and lived for nearly 15 months. I don't think that they would exchange that time with her, and those experiences with her in order to alleviate the pain they are feeling today.

I've learned that deeply loving always comes with deep pain. I don't want to give up experiencing love, and so I accept and embrace the risk of feeling the pain too. Pain won't kill you (even if it feels like it might). It's just a part of the human experience. You can try and avoid it, but then you'll have to be alone, and that's painful too.

Dear Ex Husband

*Content removed because my ex had a hissy fit.  Oh, and my ultimate goal is keeping the peace.  lol

Dear Ex-Husband

Dear Ex-Husband,

*Content removed of my own free will, and not ordered by a judge, cuz the judge said that NO JUDGE would order me to do such a thing, because I never mentioned my ex-husbands name or my children's names on my blog.

Abuse

I had thought that even though things have never been good with the Ex, I should still try to be nice. I was going to opt out of the maintenance enforcement program, since he is fairly regular with payments. But he also threatenes to reneg when I spend money in a way that he doesn't approve of (he never approves). Anyways, last night I found out that he is hitting our son. Punched him in the leg, gave him a Charlie Horse. FUCK.

I'm not doing that abusive asshole ANY favors. I am going to look into having him charged for this. No more hoping that the abuse is over, it will NEVER be over without him going into some intensive therapy. He obviously does NOT have the wherewithal to choose to stop.

Plus I have to see him today, in court. The fun never ends... And the kids are supposed to see him this weekend. I am worried that he will allow whatever happens in court to bother him enough to be a jerk this weekend.

Dear Ex Husband

Dear Ex Husband...

*Content removed in the interest of accommodating my ex-husband's hurt feelings over finding my blog.

Snow again

In like a lion, and out like a lamb.. right?

It's very lion-esque out there tonight. I had an evening class tonight, and when I was done, all hell was breaking loose with the weather. I tried to drive home, which is a half hour down country hiways, but the weather is too severe. It rained, then that turned to snow. Winds up to 80km/hr. So everything is covered in ice and snow, especially the roads. And it's snowing like crazy, and the wind is blowing it around so hard. It's insane.

At one point, I was looking at the side of the hiway to see where the edge was so I didn't go in the ditch. I was going less than 5km/hr. Insane. I saw SO many cars in the ditch. I was glad to get back to S-town. Yes indeed.

So, not wanting to bother anyone, and liking to have my own space, I tried to get a hotel room. They are all FULL. So.. I imposed. I stopped in at the girls dorm at school and asked if there was somewhere I could bunk for the night.

SO here I am.

I have a class at 9am (yes on a saturday) so now I"m nice and close. I won't miss the class because of the weather.

And hopefully, by 4pm, when the class is over, the storm will also be over, and the plows and sand/salt trucks will have been out and I can drive safely home. That will be nice.

My poor dog... lol Ah well, she is warm and safe. lol

G'night y'all!

Dear Ex-Husband

Hey there, fans of mine (I know there's at least a couple! haha). There are things that come up and I have no place to put them. I can't say it on facebook where other people can see... that is, my children, predominantly, but I have been quite selective about keeping them OFF of here so that I have a place to talk about single mom stuff... So I was driving home from a class tonight, thinking about all the things I'd like to say to my ex husband, the father of my children that he either can't or won't hear, and if I were to say them to him, it would just create more animosity I think. I've pretty much given up on the idea of that... so I've decided to vent them here.

Dear Ex Husband,

*Content removed in the interest of keeping the peace.

____________________________________________________

And this has been another episode of "Adventures of a Single Mom" LOL