Today, I am deconstructing the idea
of making marriage vows... :)
With the way things are going in
this day and age, marriage is on the decline (unless you live in the
municipality of Hanover, which according to a CBC documentary on marriage has
the highest rate of marriage in Canada - 70%).
Divorce rates are high, common law unions are actually quite common, and
it seems unusual these days for kids to grow up in 2 parent homes.
As a child of divorce, I spent tons
of energy trying to make the marriage I was in, work. It still didn't work. I thought that making public vows would give
me stability and safety. It didn't. I thought it would save my children from the
fate I had to grow up in. It didn't. So, of what worth were those vows
anyways? When I became a Christian
during the marriage, those vows seemed even MORE solid and binding. Looking back, becoming a Christian was sort of
a detriment because those doctrines obscured the reality of my marital
situation, and gave me unrealistic hope.
(That's only part of the picture though, having Jesus in my life truly
was a sustaining force that kept me out of the psych ward at times, lol).
I did a bit of a search online this
morning. "Marriage vow". I got lots of scripture quotes about
remaining faithful to your spouse, about wives submitting to their husbands,
and how you're not supposed to divorce.
There is nothing about making an actual VOW in a marriage. (I have bible college professors as facebook
friends, so they may be able to show me otherwise). If I just search VOW I get lots of stuff in
the Old Testament about trading goods, and making vows to the Lord, and how if
a woman makes a vow, but her husband or father nullifies it, then it's no
longer binding.
The one thing that was stressed in
a great way at Church and at Bible College, was Mathew 5:33-37 which basically
says do NOT swear an oath of any kind, just let your yes be your yes and your
no be a no. Think about it, if you are
always honest, and you keep your word, that's worth a lot! But if you add the pomp and circumstance of
an oath, and a ceremony, and whatever else, you kinda nullify your word. If your word is good, why do you need to add
all of that fluff? Why do you need to
add anything that would further convince someone of your word?
I was driving home the other day
and I suddenly made this connection between making a vow (or swearing an oath)
and marriage vows. Now, I'm not going to
say that getting married is bad. But
what I want to put out there is that perhaps all these "terrible"
common law unions aren't so terrible.
Maybe it's not a sin to cohabitate.
Maybe you can look at each other and say, "I choose to be with you,
because I feel that you are worthy of being chosen." Maybe that is enough. Maybe God is cool with that. The truth isn't going to get truthier if you
make a pile of vows on top of that.
That being said, I do like a good
wedding. Both sides of the family are
there, you get to party, eat good food, sometimes there is an open bar, and
there is dancing. And I think that
finding someone that is worthy of sharing your life with, and they feel that
you are worthy of them, well that IS something to celebrate! And it's also cool to see that some people
still have hope, and aren't completely jaded by societal trends, or their own
past experiences. There is something
inherently sweet and it pulls at the heartstrings when you watch someone
declare their love and fidelity before the masses. And the bride gets to wear a sinfully
expensive and amazing dress. I mean,
there aren't many girls who don't want to be treated like a princess for a
day. Of course, you could support a few
families in a 3rd world country with what people spend on a dress these
days. And wearing that dress doesn't
make you a better person, or a more suitable mate in the life you're embarking
on together. Neither does the swearing
of vows.
I know that this may challenge some
people's theology. I'm not here to say
that marriage should be done away with.
That sort of thing IS special, and is really important to some people
for a variety of reasons. There are lots
of decent people who have a variety of reasons for NOT marrying, yet are just
as, or more, loving and faithful than their married peers. My grandmother, who was Minister, once told
me that living with someone was the same as being married in the eyes of God. Not everyone feels the NEED to be right in
the eyes of God, but if you're someone who does, then this may help you. Or, if you're a Christian who is struggling
with the idea of your friends or family who are "living in sin", this
may help you also. I think one could
find much biblical evidence for NOT making marital vows. Yes, be faithful to your mate, but you don't
have to make a vow about it.
The bottom line here is, it's not
the fact that you made some vows that will sustain your relationship, it's what
kind of people you both are, and how much of yourself you decide to invest in
your relationship that will determine the longevity of it.
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