Dear Ex-Husband

There you go... I have altered and/or removed the content of the "Dear Ex-Husband" blogs.  Go check...

It was not my intention that you would find the blogs - hence your name wasn't ON it anywhere.  It was not intended for the kids to see the content (and they haven't) - hence THEIR names won't be found here either.

The fact is that I've spent years of trying to make the best of our broken relationship.  For example, I've invited you to come in and have brunch with us on Christmas day and you have refused.  Hey, I get that it's not "comfy" for you, but if you only do "comfy" things, you miss out on lots of great opportunities.  We will always be a family because we have kids.  And I don't expect us to be best friends.  But I've always believed that if I tried hard enough, I could find a way to make things work with other people.  And for the most part that is true.  I do know how to do that, with pretty much everyone but you.  It just feels like you won't let me.  Think about it - Christmas morning - kids are excited about their gifts, you show up, come in, sit down, the kids blah blah about all their stuff.  We eat a light meal together.  Then you and the kids are full of food, perfect for your long trip out to the farm.  The kids see us being nice to each other, which conveys that we love THEM so much that we are willing to step out of our comfort zones in order to give them that experience.  But you said NO.

I sent you pics of our daughter's Halloween costume.  You never thanked me.  You didn't even comment.

Just a couple of examples.

So, after 4 years of trying to be friendly with you and to co parent with you, I got angry.  I felt hurt.  I gave up.  But, I know from being a child of divorce myself that I cannot express that with the kids.  I used this blog to lash out in a way that I felt wouldn't hurt anyone.

Getting along with all kinds of people is my specialty.  I can fit into almost any group of people.  I can do classy schmoozing, I can hang with the homeless, I have friends from Africa, and from First Nations communities up north.  I have mentally stable friends, and friends with Mood Disorders (OCD, DID, Schizophrenia, anxiety, depression, bi-polar, etc).  In my friend pool, I'm the one that people come to when they are experiencing a crisis, I'm the one they recommend to our other friends to talk to when they are feeling down.  People laugh at my jokes, and find me a valuable asset on their team.  I've had so many experiences in the last 5 years that tell me that I do have the ability to be flexible in the interest of the greater good.

But my experience with you has taught me that not everyone is flexible, and not everyone is interested in getting along with me.

So I went through a phase of finally allowing myself to be angry, and to hate you a little.  It was healthy, it helped me accept the way you feel about me,and the way you treat me.  You don't like me at all.  Ok.  You'll never try to be any kind of friend or friendly.  Ok.  I accept.

Since the end of summer, I have let all of that go.  Sure, sometimes things still get to me, but then I just tell myself "fuck it" and push it away because I've learned that spending time worrying about it doesn't change anything.  I don't try to smooth things with the kids regarding you.  If things come up, I listen, and maybe ask them how they feel about it, then suggest that they should tell YOU how they feel.  I think I wanted so badly for them to have a good relationship with you because I don't have one with my father, so I probably tried too hard to smooth things when there was friction.  But I'm not doing that now.  I'm not trying to be your friend in any capacity.  I've reduced contact with you to almost nil.  No contact, no conflict.

I realize now that I had misplaced optimism about all that.

So go on with your life, I'm going on with mine.  I wish you well.